To say if you don't want to bf then fine but don't lie that you can't

[Lily1986]

A friend is ff her baby son. She tried to bf but gave up after a few days. Privately she told me that she didn't like having to bf and wanted her dh to share the load. To everyone else she is saying that she didn't produce enough milk and is seeking sympathy from others that her body wasn't able to provide for her baby. Really laying it on thick.

I really don't have a problem with how anyone chooses to feed their baby.

AIBU to feel angry at this friend trying to make people feel sorry for her?

Breastfeeding Nazis - am reminded of: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law

Good for you, you must lead a very happy simple life if this makes you laugh

OP - I would suggest 'angry' is a bit strong (although i can see it might be borderline irritating if she's told you the real reason). Lots of people genuinely have trouble feeding and often don't get much support. Seems its personal choice in this case, which she's entitled to.

I know MWs etc. push BF but have to say i'm always intrigued by people who say they've been made to feel guilty about FF by 'BF Nazis'. I'm not saying that doesn't happen but given the latest stats are only 1% of babies are exclusively BF at 6 months, i'm wondering who and where all these judgy feeders are.

Where do all of you live? I've never, ever heard anyone judged for Ff round here.

I, however, am looked upon as a bit of a weirdo as I bf both my kids.

Oops, I think my memory was wrong there. Often HIV mums will mix feed for whatever reason.

UNICEF say : 'Some immunological studies are finding that there are factors in human milk, especially the milk of the HIV-infected mother, that will directly combat the cells that contribute to the transmission of the HIV infection. A study done in Durban, South Africa showed that exclusive breastfeeding during the first 3 months of life resulted in a lower risk of MTCT than mixed feeding (breastfeeding combined with other feeds, juices or water)'.

Somewhat at a tangent from the Op but hey, we're trying to be irrelevant aren't we?

I haven't said that there isn't more to motherhood than feeding choices and as for the age of my own children.

I really think you are putting words into my mouth.

And I'm not going to engage with someone who calls me a liar.

You sound so defensive Ladybeagle. I wonder why you have to defend your past choices so vigorously...

Because Edma, I won't be lectured too or told what to do. I'm happy with My choices.
And I pity any woman that chooses not to BF and are then been made to feel guilty by people like you.

Maybe the OP's friend feels like she'd be judged for not giving BF a proper try, especially if lots of her other friends are breastfeeding.

I couldn't get BF established with DS for a number of reasons I won't go into now. I felt bad about this, as I'd been keen to BF. Before he was weaned, I often used to launch into very detailed explanations of my BF problems if anyone commented on his bottles. These problems were all true, but I did worry about other people thinking that I was making things up and that I just couldn't be bothered with BF. In retrospect, I think it's unlikely that anyone else really cared all that much about how DS was fed.

? What did I say that could make anybody feel guilty?
You seem to have issues.

Nosey, yes of course I'm being judgemental, indeed I said so myself. The difference is that I'm not denying it, and not judging people for their choice of bf or ff. I have no problem with people judging, it's inevitable and indeed in some circumstances it's positive. I do have a problem with people pretending they're not, and refusing to acknowledge when their judging and their insistence on telling people about their judgements causes harm. Indeed, I judge the shit out of such people.

Last I heard, bf wasn't recommended for HIV positive mothers as it can be transmitted that way. This was the only UK guidance I could find, it's from 2004 though:

www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publicationsandstatistics/Publications/PublicationsPolicyAndGuidance/DH_4089892

But I don't think it's changed, as the NHS website still lists being HIV positive as a reason not to bf.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/Pages/why-breastfeed.aspx

Perhaps the Unicef research will change current thinking on the issue though, I don't know. Obviously medical science is always evolving. If it does, someone posted a horror story on here a while ago about their DH's new partner EBFing their baby and refusing to BF her for half an hour while she was screaming. We can use that instead.

Hands up who would actually judge - to her face, and say it loud "you are a rubbish mother for not wanting/trying to BF - a woman who wasn't BF her baby.

Go on. I want to see.

I have issues ?
Why, because I'm not going on a thread telling others what to do?
I think it's you that has the problem TBH, far too much interest in other people's lives and choices.
Concentrate on your own and everyone will be happy.

nosey they discourage mums with HIV in Africa from mix feeding because if the water is contaminated, it can cause gastric problems and irritate the stomach lining which increases the risk of HIV being passed to the baby. If they bf there as less chance of the stomach lining becoming inflamed. You will find that most of the studies are conducted in the poorer areas, as they are more likely to be HIV positive and have poor water supplies, unsanitary conditions etc

We do not encourage HIV infected mothers in this country to bf

For fucks sake!!!!!!!!!!!'!!!!!!!!!!!

Who gives a flying fuck how anyone else feeds their child?

Have you no lives? How dare you judge and tell women they could have breast fed if they persevered and why would you care...

Seriously it's a tiny tiny part of being a parent.

Wait till you have teens and older, then it's scary..

I've never been criticised to my face for ff. Most people don't openly criticise people to their faces, do they.

But in my world (educated MC) it is simply assumed that our peers bf. I've heard many of my peers espouse the benefits of bf, and I know that while my family and friends love me and wouldn't dream of criticising my choices, they all believe very strongly that breast is best.

These aren't rude, judgy people. They are kind, caring people who don't really know any ff mothers.

I was the first and only person in my family to ff. It was fine of course. I don't give it a second thought now. But at the time, it was so embarrassing and weird for me.

There doesn't need to be open criticism for there to be pressure.

I literally, and I mean literally, cannot fathom how grown women can give a fuck what other women do when feeding their children. If they are loved and cared for and their needs are met, is that not good? Surely you could divert your attention to things that actually matter, like social inequality and, you know, things that actually have an impact on lifeoutcomes. And if you think bf has a major impact on lifeoutcomes then perhaps you are incredibly privileged and need to get out more.

Then clearly Cagney, you have 'issues' .

I am sure Cagney has issues, who doesn't, but she obviously knows what's important and what is most defiantly not.

How anyone else feeds Their baby isn't one of them?

Exactly, Cagney.

OMG Cagney, that remark was addressed to Edma.
I'm so, so sorry
Put's wine away and goes to bed.

beagle I thought you were taking the piss out of some other posters who seem to think you must have 'issues' if you don't stand in judgement of those who ff

Also goes to bed

Yabu! I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but what sort of friend are you that posts on an open forum about about the way someone chooses to feed her child and the way she communicates it to other people? There are bigger fish to fry in this world. I think you should be a 'friend' to your friend and stop judging her. She's probably petrified of the reactions she'll get from others. In the grand scheme of things, this is not important!