Or is this a weird and a bit off thing to say to your daughter?

[quesadilla]

My parents are old and mum has dementia. I try to visit at least once a month with dd (2) and sometimes DH. This weekend is going to be the last chance DH has to see them before going to his country of birth for Xmas. (Dd and I are joining him out there for NY). I called my dad and said if it was ok we might come down. He hesitated and said: "er, that might be tricky because (my sister and my aunt) would be going there for dinner. Just as context, they live in a big house (four spare bedrooms) so space isn't an issue. Me and dd and DH pretty much have to stay as we don't have a car. Sister and aunt are just going for dinner, not staying over. But we stay regularly, it's never an issue. We always do all the housework and cooking when we go and usually go halves on groceries. have a good relationship with sister and aunt - no issues there that I'm aware of. My dad is gregarious and isn't the sort of person to be overwhelmed by having too many people in the house. Am I over-reacting or is it a bit off - when there are no logistical challenges for them - for him to imply that he would rather I not join members of my own family at his house for dinner?

My parents are old and mum has dementia.

Maybe its more to do with how your mum would cope. Can't you just ask him?

Maybe your Mum is really struggling now with too many people around and your Dad being protective? Alternatively he may be exhausted with coping and putting on a good front?

Perhaps he just doesn't want your mum overwhelmed with lots of visitors. Too much going on can be upsetting for people living with dementia.

perhaps they have made plans to talk about issues - your aunt is your mum's sister

caring for a person with dementia is very VERY hard, emotionally draining and sapping; your dad prob just cannot BEAR to think about organsing fresh linen for you, no matter how much you say airily oh WE'LL do the housework/shopping/blah blah

It sounds to me that it could well be more to do with your mum being overwhelmed rather than your dad.

Dearcathy: I have considered that but he's generally really up for having as many people in the house as possible: in large part because of my mum's condition. I hope I don't sound entitled - it's just that it's very out of character for him.

just re-read your post and it sounds like carer stress.Could you go down just you and dd before you join your dh abroad?

That would make me think there was something going on that Dad was trying to avoid telling me. Hopefully it's nothing, or something very minor - I am a "worrit" and would be all stressed until I found out, and chances are it wouldn't be anything anywhere near as bad as my imagination made it, but it would bug me and I would either just come right out and ask, or "ferret around" and see if I could find anything out.
There could be hundreds of reasons, but unless you ask, he might never tell you - maybe he doesn't want to worry you about something.

oh yes, your Mum might be needing less disruption, good point

any interruption to routine can be distressing

Speak to your sister and aunt?

Grim: no my aunt is my dad's (half) sister. And not particurly close to my mum.

If you are usally close dad is probably trying to protect everyone especially your Mum.

support for your Dad then.

Or are you worried that they are planning to Do You Out Of £££?

Grim that sounds harsh!

OP things change, dementia must be a very terribly draining condition to live with. Throw in guests and overnighters (although dearly loved and wanted) I'm betting DF is bloody knackered and defeated.

Twitchy tail: "he's just not that into you..."
This is my FATHER we are talking about... That's a weird and slightly creepy way to approach this conversation, don't you think? I do totally get why someone caring for a relative with dementia might feel overwhelmed. It's just that he's generally gagging for company of any sort. Normally he can't get enough of us. It was more the way heseemed to be positioning g it as if it would be awkward to have me and my sister and aunt together as if there had been some falling out. I just thought it was a strange way to couch it. But maybe I am underestimating his general stress levels.

I think Twitchy added that last option to make the point that there's bound to be some good reason, it's clearly not that he just randomly doesn't like you any more.

If your Aunt or Sister see your parents regularly could you maybe call one of them to see if all is well?

I don't mean go behind your Dads back, just because you are concerned as it is out of character what he said.

I know when my Dad wasn't well he and my Mum would put a face on for my sister and I, not because we aren't close or wouldn't help, just because they wanted to protect us even as adults. Could your Dad be doing that for some reason?

Maybe he is 'stressed' about his sister visiting and wants to get it all right, and you just called at the wrong moment. He might have just been a bit tired.

I would talk to everyone, aunt sister etc, and change plans if that would make him happier. It may be better if you go if you can do lots of washing up etc and looking after mum and make it easier for him to talk to his sister.

If he has liked you all his life, I am sure it is not because he has gone off you - it may be because he feels more able to say this to you!

Maybe he is trying to spread the guests out so that he does not get all the visitors in one go and then none for a while. If you say he is normally eager for company, then he might be worried that he will not have any 'breaks' from caring if he does not stagger his visitors.