to think this recently widowed neighbour is a teensy bit out of order?

[drivinmecrazy]

Our neighbor recently lost her DH after a long battle with Cancer. We are quite a close street so have all offered support for her since.
For example, another neighbor is a nurse. She had given neighbor her mobile for emergencies as she has on going health issues herself. Neighbor has previously phoned nurse neighbour at 12am asking for advice about constipation (among other minor ailments). Another time she asked me to take her to hairdressers which was fine, she then said she would phone me when she needed collecting and subsequently went off to have lunch with her friend.
Her DH was buried on Monday and they had a collection for the local hospice in lieu of flowers, had a collection box at the crematorium and at the wake afterwards.
Fast forward to today when neighbor has texted (nurse) neighbor asking if the street has had a separate collection for her DH. She seems to think we should have because we did many years ago when a very young neighbor had died very suddenly and left a young widow and children.
In the mean time we have lost a few neighbours (including my Dad) but have never had another collection like we did for the young family.
We are all now anticipating trouble ahead. She is currently staying with her daughter who lives 150 miles away. But when she comes home what are we letting ourselves in for? As much as we want to support her we all have our own lives and families, many of us have our own widowed mothers' whims to cater for

Wow! I think I would just stay clear of her when she gets back. I can't believe she asked asked about a collection! It is a shame that she has taken the pis out of what seems like a lovely community.

As my husband says: Never trouble trouble unless trouble troubles you...

In other words yabu unless your neighbour actually oversteps the mark.

She has just lost her husband...cut her some slack and show some understanding.

Don't steer clear of her when she gets back....just make sure she is ok and ask whether she needs a chat. People steered clear of me when I lost my mum, such a shitty thing to do IMO.

Obv don't make yourself available to be at her beck and call but be there if you can, even just a little bit.

But we can all foresee that she will over step the mark at some point in the near future. Her children have little contact normally, and she seems to have few friends so we will be the obvious ones to pick up the slack.
Don't want to sound unsympathetic at all, but we all have our own families and the idea of adopting another isn't particularly welcome.
Her daughter told me at the funeral she will ring me to let me know when she was bringing her Mum home so I could take over daughterly duties (think she was only half joking)

Say no? Ignor her calls? Be VERY clear about the terms of anything you do for her.

"yes I can take you TO the hairdressers but CAN'T collect you
Here's the local minicar number"

But you do sound unsympathetic. Just be there a little bit so she knows she is not totally alone but don't make yourself too available. Find a happy medium, it will make all the difference to her.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack I'm sorry you were treated in that way, and we will be there for her, but we are not her surrogate family.
I'm trying to find out about local groups she might like to join to help her feel less isolated, and we're certainly not unsympathetic.
I suppose I'm struggling a bit because we lost my FIL and my Dad within 3 months of each other, my Mum and MIL reacted differently. One moved to Spain and one joined the WI! They both seemed determined to stand on their own two feet, and have both carved out fantastic lives for themselves 4 years on.

I expect she is ultra sensitive at the mo. Can you text back and say that you gave to hospice only and that this seems to be the norm.

Just explain there no there isn't a separate collection going around the street but as you've all already said,you will all help her when you can.

Grief makes people behave in odd ways sometimes,not easy to deal with but really quite normal.

She's alone and also not in good health herself. You have all offered to help,it seems unkind to back out when it looks like she may actually take you all up on your offer. If she over steps the mark at any point then kindly but firmly explain you can't do xyz today etc.

It is in my opinion really poor show to offer help and back out when you realise the person is going to take you up on the offer.

I don't think you sound unsympathetic at all. I think you're right - you are not responsible for her welfare. If she's not able to cope independently, she and her family need to address that.

It's one thing being neighbourly - popping in for a chat etc, but she really can't rely on a neighbour to run errands for her or give lifts. These are things she needs to adjust to sorting out herself.

I second the above.
When a similar thing happened near my parents home the street were as helpful as they could be, the mans son stayed away and didn't visit much.
It became too much for everyone to cope with him in the end. So if he rang at 12.00 am that neighbour contacted his son and told him.
There were many incidents and these worsened as the man had Alzeimers.
Eventually the son stepped up to the mark, he had to.