for being angry and upset that my husband went to a 'gentlemans' club

[nimahnog]

I'm new here so apologies if I'm not in the right section with my question. I'd really like some feedback from independent people because I feel so bad at the moment.

On Friday I told my husband I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage about 6 months ago so I am happy but also worried, which he knows. On Saturday he had a stag night so I stayed home looking after my stepson.

Sunday he told me about the night and casually mentioned that they'd been to a gentlemans club to treat the stag. I was not impressed but didn't say a lot. Much later that day I wanted to check the weather and my phone was in a different room so thought I'd use his instead.

He hadn't logged out of his facebook account so I was able to see recent messages he'd sent. Basically him and his mates have a secret facebook group in which they were talking about the night and the strip club in very crude terms. I was so hurt by what I read.

I just feel betrayed, I didn't recognise the person writing that stuff. I've never felt like this before, I keep swinging between anger and pain. I just feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

He thinks I'm over reacting.......thoughts?

IMO YANBU. I would absolutely wonder about his attitute to women. I would feel exactly the same as you. Im really sorry this is happening to you, hwich has spoiled your moment re your pregnancy. He's got a right nerve going to a strip club leaving you looking after your step son!

Im sure you will get loads of the usual 'Oh its nothing stop worrying etc etc' but trust me, my DH would be scared to come home! Before I get flamed for 'controlling my DH' I just want to say, we respect each other and I wouldnt expect to be able to go to a club where men are waving their cocks etc in my face (or other women's) and for my DH not to be upset because I know he would.

Of course he will think you are over reacting - the sex trade has spent a fortune normalising this kind of thing. Sadly, it has worked.

You seem to be on the same page as me MrsClown. I did ask him how he'd feel if I'd done the equivalent on a hen night and he said he'd be ok because he trusts me 100% and knows I wouldn't do anything!

Frankly I'm having my first ever 'do I actually know the person I'm married to' moments.

Apparently I'm the most precious thing in the world to him and he'd never do anything to hurt me. So why do I feel like shit and why is paying other women to get naked and shake their bits in his face not going to hurt me.

As you can tell I'm not dealing with this well........

I wouldn't be annoyed if he went to a stripclub as part of a stag night out or even the Facebook page to an extent, but I would not be happy if my DH had been making crude comments and laughing at the strippers expense.
He may just be being one of the lads, which is of course unacceptable.
I would have a word with him and tell him how upset you are.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you're the most precious thing in the world to him, then why disrespect you like that and get his jollies elsewhere? He should be fulfilled in every aspect of his life just by being with you.

Are his friends married, or are they all single?

I've had several words with him and told him how upset I am but he just goes into his self righteous 'your'e overreacting' speech. It was a stag night and we got a bit carried away!

His mates are all single, failed marriages and relationships behind them.

The thing is what do I do from here? He wants to know what I want him to do. And I don't even know how he can begin to make this better.

Apparently he'd never cheat on me and this is totally different. Of course, him paying to look at other women naked has totally crushed my self esteem but that's ok.

YANBU

It's a "treat" is it to use women like any inanimate object that can be bought?

Perhaps he can make it better by educating himself on the realities of working in such places, and by examining why he thinks women are less than human.

Anyone who told me I was overreacting because he'd been not only paying a naked woman to show off her crotch but then discussing it in a private facebook page would be out the door before they finished their sentence.

Not for good. You don't need to make that decision yet. But perhaps a few nights in a hotel will help him to put this into perspective. If not, make a trip to somewhere he'll hate. Tell him you are going to learn to lapdance, or to one of those parties with naked butlers, or to employ a naked cleaner.

He can start making this better by stopping trivialising it, and treating it like the big matter it is. Even if he thinks its okay, and he did nothing wrong, he should respect your feelings on the matter. A few nights out of your bed will do him the world of good, if you really are the most precious thing in his world.

and flowers and a night out and some new clothes and anything to boost your self-esteem and confidence and show that he does respect you, once he has started to make this better

Did you really need to read through all his facebook messages to find the weather forecast OP? Or is this just an aspect of your controlling nature that you've glossed over?

Him going to a gentlemans club wouldnt so much bother me, but the secret facebook account and explicit messages, now that would bother me.

He hadn't closed his messages down tisnottheseasonyet and one explicit word caught my eye so to speak. I then read some of the others. Believe it or not I'm probably the least controlling wife ever, he goes on hols with his mates several times a year and I never make the slightest issue about it.

I think I've been a mug, been too easy going and am now paying the price. Let that be a lesson to others.

Guess what, he's soooooo sorry for what he did. Words fail me.
Thanks for the replies all.

Why do some people always think it's about 'doing something'. To me the entire issue is this sentence:

to treat the stag

Women are not treats to be bought for a horny dog. If the messages are crude I can't imagine there is much respect there for women.

That there is no gentlemans club

Absolutely agree, its not about whether you trust him to have any kind of sex...its about his attitude to women

Nope, he'd be out on his ear 'ere!

I personally haven't got a problem with strip clubs, but this is irrelevant here I feel, as if i did i know DP wouldn't go.

The thing that really would upset me in your situation, is the nasty comments on fb. That would really, really bother me. I'm sorry you're in this situation op

The going to a strip club bit wouldn't bother me. The secret group thing on the other hand would.

So on balance,YANBU to be upset. And he should be adult enough to be able to see things from your perspective.

Congratulations on your pregnancy,hope all is well.

I think we could do with knowing what the messages actually were, so people can see what sort of men frequent these places and what they really think of women.
It's a very closed world, strange how there are never public photos or videos of these places in action, men want to keep women in the dark about what really goes on on such stag nights.

Women don't usually post videos of the male strippers they have on hen nights either. To draw a comparison.

I don't think you are actually allowed to film lap dancers in clubs. Likely to get swiftly removed by a beefy bouncer and your phone stamped on.

I disagree, I've seen tons of facebook photos of "ladies nights" with women rubbing oil or whipped cream into the male strippers' bodies while screeching with laughter, it's not my thing but I think its a world away from the secret, shady world of LDCs.

OP you wouldnt expect to come home and find your best mate stripping and dancing for him would you. So why do people think its different just because money changes hands.
I saw another MNer write this on a similar thread and think its a bloody good point.
So his mates are mostly split or divorced....oh i wonder why

Yesterday I sent him an email (he was at work) summarising some of the stuff you guys had said and telling him that guess what most women don't think I'm over reacting. I also told him I didn't think he realised how much he hurt me.
I also posted a message on facebook telling him and his mates how proud of them I was and their secret group and how I hoped some of their more choice comments would feature in the best mans speech. I've been a member of facebook for years but hardly ever use it because I don't get time.

He replied in an email to say how sorry he was but I just ignored it.

Before he came home I went out and took the dog with me. I came very close to not coming back home. He thought I'd left him.

We had a talk about it and I basically said that if he wanted to do that kind of thing and if he thought it was normal we didn't have a future together. I also told him that I wouldn't stay with someone who took away my self esteem. He claims he never wants to do it again, he was ashamed with himself afterwards etc etc

The problem now is that he thinks I'm going to just snap back to normal and everything will be all happy clappy. I don't think so! I also told him that one of the reasons I married him was because I never thought he'd do that kind of thing and that what he'd done had blighted our relationship. He doesn't want to accept that (the blighted relationship) and claimed that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, he wants to be with forever blah blah blah.

What he doesn't realise is that this whole incident has hardened my heart towards him and no matter how much I might want to feel about him how I did before I know I can't.

:-(

nima I have had a similar experience with DP (to do with porn though) and a lot of your post resonates with me. I too, honestly thought that DP wouldn't do something that he knew would hurt me (I am assuming he knew it would hurt because he hid it.) So I trust him less now which is crap :( Before, I trusted him completely whereas now a part of my mind doubts how well I know him. And for me too, it has hardened my heart towards him to an extent - I never expected him to be someone who would make me feel that shit.

But, it is actually getting better. I was very very angry with him and felt like a bag of crap for a while and didn't really want much to do with him, but a couple of months later things are getting back to normal. The likely thing is that you do know your husband and all the good things you know of him are still true too. For me, being reminded of DP's good points daily (making melaugh, the kind things he does) are helping to sort of overwrite how hurt and angry I have felt.

I don't know if that helps but I think I would have liked to have known that at the time. For me, it wasn't a leavable offence and I wanted to start enjoying our relationship again. I just started engaging with DP more and more as and when I felt like it, just because you've going to move on, doesn't mean things return to normal immediately and I think that's perfectly normal.

That does help thanks nosey. It totally sucks that the bloke you thought you knew better than anyone else in the world can be an utter arse. At the moment I'm struggling to see how I'll get past this so your post has given me hope.

Hi op

I do not think you have been at all unreasonable and it sounds as though you have dealt with it well. I would be devastated if my husband did something similar. From what you have posted it sounds to me as though your DH is taking your concerns seriously, though.

I have done something in my marriage that my DH never thought I would do, something awful and hurtful. Something I am ashamed of. After lots of talking and thinking and therapy, I have managed to understand that it is not because I am a bad person, it was my behaviour that was bad. I've then been able to think about the things that led to that behaviour. Although I knew it was foolish, it was not until I took a step back afterwards that I was able to think properly about what I'd done.

I'm not making excuses for your DH's behaviour at all, but for me it is very helpful to separate the person and the action. Of course the two are linked, and it is that link that allows the person to consider what they have done and hopefully learn from it, therefore never repeating it. Then you, as their partner, might be able to forgive the behaviour. Does that make any sense? I'm sorry - I haven't explained it at all well.

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw!