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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is my brother (re Christmas)

39 replies

katieelh · 21/11/2012 09:44

My mum is on her own, no husband or partner and is registered disabled. Over the years me and my sister have taken it in turns to have her at ours for Christmas dinner, when we don't have her we will se our respective in-laws or have them to us, it is a juggling act as we also have to tie in with all other siblings and thier familes/ inlaws.My brother however will not invite her to theirs as ' they go to his partners family' every year ( his partners family live in the same road as them so they aren't travelling). My mum does loads to help brother and his partner with child care, and she has never been invited to them for even a little bit of tea, at Christmas or any other time of the year, and to be honest it really annoys me, we all lead busy lives but she is our mum and she is on her own. His point is ' well you or sis can have her so what the problem? But I think he should, now he has a partner and a child have his mum to them once every three years.

OP posts:

helpyourself · 21/11/2012 09:48

What does Mum think? It's her place to get an invitation. Perhaps
She's happier with you and your sister?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/11/2012 09:50

God, how sad for your poor mum to have her kids squabbling over who has to have her for Christmas.

WhispersOfWickedness · 21/11/2012 09:51

That's what I thought too, Betty

PickledFanjoCat · 21/11/2012 09:53

She is only one person extra could she not go wherever she fancies?

Your brother should invite her around and things also but does it matter where she goes?

YouOldSlag · 21/11/2012 09:56

YANBU. Your brother should take his turn. Sounds like you and your sis do your bit. I bet your Mum would love an invite to his, even if it's Boxing Day or Christmas Eve. He and his partner should at least make an effort, especially now they have children as I expect she would love to see them at Christmas.

Original poster

katieelh · 21/11/2012 09:57

No one is squabbling, me and my sister love having her! It's my brother lack of care, would he not bother, even if for some reason neither of us could have her and I know she would love to spend some time with my dn on Christmas Day.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/11/2012 10:00

Well just keep to your arrangement and be glad she is with you and having a lovely time and dont worry so much about your bro. Yes of course he should do his bit too as she is his mum but believe me, in years to come, he will regret not being there for her and at least you know you did the best by her.

YouOldSlag · 21/11/2012 10:07

I would say to your bro that your Mum would love an invite on another day close to Christmas since they are at his ILs on the day. Point out that his child gets to see one set of GPs on Christmas Day so it's only fair your Mum get to see them too.

It really won't kill him and his partner to have her round for sherry and a mince pie on Boxing Day. When he does ask your Mum (with your boot up his arse) she will be so thrilled he can bask in the glory and make it look like his idea.

PickledFanjoCat · 21/11/2012 11:06

Yes agree just tell him your doing Christmas Day and you are expecting him to have her around at some point as it would be very nice for her.

DeWe · 21/11/2012 12:17

There may be other reasons why they do that for Christmas.

We always went to my df dm. Because df only had one brother , and he was in the army and abroad more often than not. IF we hadn't gone dgran would have been entirely on her own.

My dm's dparents had all 3 of their other children (plus partners and grandchildren) coming every year.

In 21 years of Christmases we spent 2 with dm's parents.

Actually both my parents would have loved to feel they had the option of doing something different, but circumstances dictated it.

pecans · 21/11/2012 12:22

My grandmother told me it was much better having girls because you had such a special relationship with them when they are grown-up - she has two girls and a boy. I think it is just the way things are in a lot of families. Be irritated with your brother, but don't bother make an issue of it or you will really hurt your mum's feelings.

Sokmonsta · 21/11/2012 12:40

Sounds like you find your mum hard work at times and could so with a break once in awhile - I'm not criticising. We have it with my grandma. Every year she has to go to my parents, or to my sister's with my parents. One daughter is in a care home, so obviously can't help. The other is damned selfish and won't.

This year I threw a spanner in the works. Normally I don't mind visiting everyone over the Xmas period but felt with baby twins, a toddler and a 4yo, this year I would invite my parents to spend the day with us as dh isn't working. It's benefitted my mum as she always does the running around her, even though she's my dad's mum - see the similarity between males - because we can't have grandma. Our house is neither big enough nor accessible enough for her.

So my auntie is having her this year as she's been made to feel guilty. And subtle 'oh you're so looking forward to seeing your other great grand children' comments have been made to my grandma so she's trotted out this line every time my aunt has spoken to her. It seems mean but in 31 years, she's not done her 'duty' by her own mother and only appears when there's a cash handout.

The only thing you can do is hope that your mum feels that she does want to see her son, and takes action herself. Unless you think you can hint enough times she thinks its her own idea.

YouOldSlag · 21/11/2012 13:17

The impression I get is that the OP's Mum isn't aware of any of this behind the scenes stuff so a nice invite from her son would be a lovely surprise. She shouldn't have to ask.

And I don't go in for all that stuff about how having daughters is easier than sons. I know so many exceptions to that belief!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/11/2012 14:03

And I don't go in for all that stuff about how having daughters is easier than sons. I know so many exceptions to that belief!

I hope that is the case...I have one DS so if it isn't I am stuffed My DS is a loyal little boy though so I think I will be OK :)

Original poster

katieelh · 21/11/2012 14:03

Thanks for the advice, I have spoken to my brother and he has made it clear he and his partner go to her family every year and this will not change, there was no mention of my mum ever being invited there ( brothers inlaws). Her sister and family, brother an parents all live round the corner from each other so there this is not a case of her parents being on their own, it is just a case of this is what she did before she met him and what they will continue to do now. He will however pick mum up and take her to his for an hour on Christmas morning and then bring her to mine.
Please don't think this is anything to do with me and my sister not wanting her, it's more a case that I want my brother to want her/ think of her feelings too especially at Christmas, as my mum isn't stupid, I'm sure she is aware of the lack of invitation.

OP posts:

AlistairSim · 21/11/2012 14:11

Don't worry Betty, you can come and spend Christmas with me and all the cats once the children have outgrown us.

YouOldSlag · 21/11/2012 14:20

Bettty- I'm with you on this. I refuse to believe it as I mother of 2 sons and no daughters!

PickledFanjoCat · 21/11/2012 14:22

Fair play op.

I'm pregnant with second ds. Hope one of them will have their old mum over!

Argh!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/11/2012 14:23

Aaaw thanks Alistair sounds like a good offer :)

YouOldSlag (sorry, I feel like I am insulting you)......my DS is a lovely kid, he fell out with a friend because he made a silly comment about me DS took offence to. I dunno, I think surely you get out of a relationship what you put into it?? Maybe I am being niave and only time will tell but the thought of DS not wanting me about over Christmas is quite depressing and one I dont buy into.

sweetheart · 21/11/2012 14:25

I have this exact situation with my mil and bil. After years of it we (us and sil) have resigned ourselves to the fact that bil will NEVER take his turn. Luckily my mil gets on very well with my parents so on the years we are with "my family" we always invite mil to join in. In fact this year we are going to my mum's for the first year in ages and we are taking mil with us.

It's not fair in the slightest but bil is a selfish arrogant twathead and there isn't anything we can do to change that so we just have to deal with the situation as best we can.

YouOldSlag · 21/11/2012 14:26

I don't buy into it either Betty. My cousin is married to one of two brothers. Both adore their mum and she sees much more of the GCs than my cousin's Mum. They always see her on Christmas Day for dinner without fail and they are all happy with this arrangement.

I am taking my inspiration from that!

OP I am glad your brother is seeing your Mum on Christmas Day but I too would be disappointed in his minimum input.

blackeyedsusan · 21/11/2012 14:34

it is really sad that he is such a prat. thank goodnes that you mum has 2 children who care!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/11/2012 14:36

In all fairness when MIL was alive my DH always saw her over Christmas, he was loyal to his mum till the end so I know it does happen. :)

YouOldSlag · 21/11/2012 16:13

That's lovely Betty. My Dad was devoted to his lovely Mum too. We saw her every week without fail.

Tailtwister · 21/11/2012 16:22

Tbh, I don't think YABU. It's not about you not wanting your mum for Christmas, it's about one sibling who never takes their turn. Of course it's up to you mum where she goes, but he should offer.

We have had the same issue with my brother and he's only just changed his tune in the past few months. He's realised how expensive holiday clubs are, so is using my mum to look after his child every 5 minutes. He doesn't even pay for her train ticket.

IME, there's always one sibling who does the lion's share. We recently had a situation with DH's granny where her daughter (my MIL) who usually does everything for her was on a well deserved 5 week holiday. Granny fell ill and was admitted to hospital and there was a lot of organising to be done when she was discharged (nurses, community care, insulin admin etc) which was done by me. Don't get me wrong, I had no problem doing it at all, but it was a shame her 2 other children didn't appear to help (one is in the UK and the other in the States). Now the poor woman is ill again and yet again the same sibling is doing it all.

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