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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to sit back and wait or to bite the bullet

12 replies

BellaTalbert · 19/11/2012 21:59

DD 10 dad hasn't contacted her since last week of August, he wasn't particularly great at contacting her previously. When this has happened before I would end up having to contact him which always turned into a row and then for a short time he would contact her.

We live 100 apart he has only seen her once this year and that was only because I pushed for it.

DD said yesterday that she wants her dad to phone her she said that she doesn't want to phone him first. DD has said that she isn't his priority otherwise he would phone her or write.
Do I wait for him or bite the bullet?

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/11/2012 22:09

Sad. Poor dd.

What a tosser. I guess you can't make him contact her and her assessment is probably accurate so can't reassure her, hard.

Maybe you could text or email and simply state the fact that DD is hurt that he hasn't phoned.

Original poster
BellaTalbert · 19/11/2012 22:15

That's how I usually make contact as we don't speak. What kills me is that he acts all hurt, the innocent victim in all of this. I really don't know whether to make the first move.

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/11/2012 22:52

Maybe some of the other boards might be better for advice, there'll be posters who have been there and can help you help your dd.

Beamur · 19/11/2012 22:56

Your poor DD. Sadly I do know how she feels. It's rotten coming to terms with the fact that you are not that important to a parent.
She already knows her Dad is a poor Father, and I doubt there is anything you can say to him that will change that.
Don't ring him, he shouldn't need telling that his lack of contact hurts his daughter, but do all you can to make your DD understand that this is not her fault.

Teabagtights · 19/11/2012 23:21

My children have seen their dad a handful of times in 8 years since we moved over 100 miles away. He maintained minimal contact but always moaned the kids never rang him. 8 years on he hasn't spoken to the oldest who is 24 for two years the eldest doesn't want him to have his number and the youngest ignores his calls albeit he hasn't heard from his dad in two months.

You can't pick their dads unfortunately all you can do is tell her you are sorry he is a pitiful excuse for a father. I'd not ring him. I'd just tell her you love her and make her relationship with you enough for her that she forgets he even exists.

Original poster
BellaTalbert · 20/11/2012 11:27

Thanks for that i am going to wait this out x

OP posts:
AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 20/11/2012 11:31

Yes, Bella I agree with teabag don't keep on in this cycle of you pushing him, then him letting her down all over again.

It's up to him to let her down or not. I know you just want to make her happy, but this needs to be dealt with now.

Leave it, hopefully it won't take too long for her to get over the fact her Dad is a tosser. :(

RidingHood · 20/11/2012 11:35

My DD is 7 and her father and I split up when she was 1. Up until Easter this year contact was always very minimal sometimes 6 months between each time.

It was until I stopped pushing him and ignored him that he realised what he missed out on, and now he has her every weekend. Don't contact him, it's his loss. She is old enough to see him for what he is, just do your best to be there for her.

MaxPepsi · 20/11/2012 11:50

It's so sad.

We have the same scenario but reversed with my DH

He regularly contacts his DD just to be repeatedly ignored time and time again.

We hope she will eventually see she's missing out and make contact again. In the meantime he keeps plugging away.
He doesn't get the option to give up otherwise he'll be branded a crap dad!

I would suggest that she keeps on trying, that way she will never have regrets when she's older.

It's a tough one.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 20/11/2012 12:00

It's a sad situation for a little girl to be in :(

However, she is 10 now and understands that she isn't his priority (that breaks my heart really, just to hear that and I don't even know her :( ) but if you keep getting him to get in touch with her, all you are doing is giving her hope that maybe 'this time' he wont be crap. She has started to come to terms with it, just support her by acknowledging that her feelings are right and it's understandable to be hurt by it.

We all have to learn that we can't make people be who we want them to be, that they are who they are - but it's pretty shit to have to learn it at 10, because of your Dad.

I hope one day the fuckwit realises what he has missed out on and I hope it hurt like hell.

[This did make me laugh a bit though You can't pick their dads unfortunately. Unless a woman has been raped, you have picked their Dads?! Sadly a lot of them turned out to be less of a man that you thought they were originially though!!]

Original poster
BellaTalbert · 21/11/2012 15:12

Chipping it did make me cry when she said that she wasn't his priority I am going to wait it out and hope that he comes to his senses x

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesAutumn · 21/11/2012 16:49

Bella - don't hold your breath :( When DD says something to you about him and she's right, tell her so. Don't try to smooth things over or make her feel better by bigging him up or saying you're sure he doesn't mean it or whatever. I know that's hard to do because you want to stop them hurting, but really, all it does it make them feel they can't trust their own judgement - if anything good can come out of this, it's that she learns to trust her own judgement, which will hopefully help her to avoid shit relationships in the future.

I'd like to kick him, hard. Hopefully one day he will see what he has missed out on and it will hurt him, a lot - you can live in hope.

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