to sometimes feel a little sad - or something - that I'll never be with another girl again?

[TimeMakesYouBolder]

Namechanged, for obvious reasons. If anybody recognises me - please don't out me. (no pun intended...)

I'm 23, 4 year old DD with a wonderful husband. We are so happy, despite ups and downs, and we have been together for almost 5 years.

Before DH and I got together, I was seeing my then female best friend. It wasn't so much a relationship, more we slept together quite a bit and had the occasional kiss just in her car etc. It was a strange kind of thing, we were best friends first - the rest was just 'something we did'. At the time, I honestly never thought more of it. I guess I was just a bit of a free spirit, I wouldn't have even considered myself bi-sexual. We no longer speak, she got weird with me after I got married and I think that she found things difficult. I don't know.

In the past year or so, I have realised that I am bi-sexual. DH knows, he's known the whole time about what happened with my friend - who he also knew. But I kind of feel sometimes like i'm 'missing' something. Please don't get me wrong, I adore my DH, I really truly do. And this actually feels like a totally separate thing, which might not make sense.

I just miss it, I'm still curious I guess and I sometimes almost crave it. Will this go away? I am fully committed to my DH, 100%. I have no intention of trying to act on it - but I feel this urge from time to time. Not for other men, just women. I'm only 23 and the thought of feeling like this forever exhausts me. It will go away, right? Anybody feel similar?

You don't have to though, you talk you set limits you keep to them. I'm not saying it's for everyone but it's not the wife swapping key in a bowl thing.

My DH likes the idea of just being present (surprise, surprise!) but maybe it's my own insecurities holding me back. I like the thought of it though.

We don't swing or anything like that. We do share fantasies though. Being open about it helps so that this part of your identity has a chance to be expressed.

However it is important for me that I can be open about my fantasies, whether they are with men or women. I think being open about your feelings and having your partner acknowledge your orientation makes it easier.

I wouldn't even consider swinging.

If someone started a thread saying they were happily married to a man but missed having sex with other men...surely the response would be "Well that's what marriage is like."

Not, "Have you considered a 3 some or swinging?"

Why not though worra? It's just as valid to miss sex with other men as it is women. And swinging might work for some people.

I wasn't suggesting it BTW.

Just sharing experiences and what works for us.

I don't mean why wouldn't you consider it, not sure how clear my post is!

I does work for some people but it's just not something I'd advise if a married person said they missed sex with other people.

I think I'd go with a whole host of other suggestions to spice things up first!

Which might work I guess if one was missing sex with a partner of the same sex as current partner but he can't really pretend to be a girl can he?

Or can he?

No but surely that's where the "Oh well you can't have your cake and eat it" comes in with me.

The OP has said she's not emotionally strong enough for swinging and to be honest, not that many people are.

I don't think the fact she's missing sex with females is necessarily different to any married person missing sex with anyone outside of their marriage IYSWIM.

If you get married you exclude all others unless you are one of the minority who finds swinging easy to do.

From my perspective, I was dating a Bi Guy, all well and good. One of his friends said that I was open minded dating someone BI, but I said no I am actually very closed minded. If I am with someone and they cheat on me, it is over!! Whatever the gender!! More closed than open minded, I think. I hope this helps your DH is nothing else.

The thing is, if DH was bi, I don't honestly don't think I'd mind if he wanted to occasionally sleep with a guy. I wouldn't see it as a threat. But, I'm totally aware that in reality I might be upset, and maybe I'm just once again being naive.

I just found being with a girl totally different, not comparable. But I do respect DH's feelings.

Also, he has said himself that if he found out I'd slept with a woman he wouldn't be as upset as if it was a man. But upset all the same.

Well you've just said the same thing about him really, haven't you?

I think particularly as you have a child, it's best not to fuck about with other people.

It usually ends in tears.

If he's really 'the one' (if there is such a thing, and actually relationships don't live or die on hard work, compromise, good will and shared values), then he'll be able to talk to you about this.
Having had some dysfunctional relationships in the past, I sometimes find myself dreading discussing something with my wife. Every time (so far), once I work up the nerve and do it, I am reminded that one of the reasons that we married was the fact that we can talk about things easily.
I have been on your husband's side of this equation more than once. If you really love someone, the most important thing to you is their happiness, surely?
Perhaps find a movie/soap opera/whatever where this theme is touched on, as a way of getting an initial reading on his stance, so that you can introduce the topic in an appropriate way.
Good luck.

Absolutely Worra that's why I'd be so reluctant I think, I wouldn't want to risk fucking up our marriage and it would be a risk - I'm just not okay with playing with our relationship, it wouldn't be fair on DD. That is exactly how I feel. So, yeah, I need to find a way to deal with this.

Thanks SkinnyWhiteBoy - it was actually a TV show with a similar theme that made me realise my own sexuality. Crazy really. Maybe I need to have another conversation with him about this, to diffuse it perhaps.

A new vibrator and a good imagination/porn dvd?

It came to be an element of sexual play between me and one of the women who was that way inclined (who I was in a serious relationship with) - what she would like to do to other women.
That worked for her, as it allowed her to express and explore that side of her sexuality, and it was fine with me.
Again - try and find a way to gauge your DHs receptiveness, and perhaps try and introduce this, to see if it works for you.

I echo the sentiment that clear, open communication is absolutely key.

Thanks for all the replies. DH knows that I always liked it, so I don't know what more I can say without making him uncomfortable, or making him feel as though I'm trying to force the issue. We already discuss during sex etc.

Oh, yes you might be onto something there Worra!

Lots of people are bi and monogamous (and suffer a lot from the erasure of their bisexual identity when in a relationship). Do you know about BiCon (bicon.org.uk/)? Or Bi Community News (bicommunitynews.co.uk/)? There may well be a bi group meeting somewhere near you - possibly in a coffee shop/possibly in a pub/possibly in an LGBT centre where you'd be likely to find other people with similar things to discuss. If you want to think about ethical non-monogamy, then there's also likely to be people around with experience of that.

It's normal to thing "what if" or "what am I possibly missing out on" when you settle down with someone.

Unless you are philosophically of the opinion that monogamy is not really a valid POV, most people accept these feelings, dampen them down, and get on with life.

If you are unable to do that, it is usually because you are with the wrong person or you are not, by nature monogamous.

However, if you are pro monogamy and convinced that DH is the right man for you, to me it suggests that you are not yet 100% at ease with your sexual orientation.

18 is very young, and I doubt you'd have had the life experience or sexual experience to have made a truly informed choice about your sexuality if it was anything less than 100% one orientation.

It may be the case that DH IS the right partner for you and nothing needs to change, but you clearly need to explore these issues before reaching that conclusion, so I'd highly recommend some counselling, or at the very least reading up about these sorts of issues.

Good luck.