to be annoyed with my uncle

[TheBlackPanther]

to cut a long story short
my nanna is in her 80s and starting to become increasingly dependent on my mum. mums had a lot on her plate lately (recovering from cancer) and is now starting to become stressed with the responsibility. Her brother is only interested in taking my nannas money but is not interested helping my mum look after her, yet she thinks her son is best thing since slice bread (never mind the fact he walked out on her for years with no contact and then came crawling back when his wife left him)
it makes my blood boil!
sorry for the bad grammer.

I think your Mum could talk to Social Services about getting care for Nanna to lighten the load

she tried but they wont help yet because physically she is still ok, its her memory that is suffering at the moment.
for example she forgets to take her medication so mum had a pill dispenser put in for her. she cant understand simple instructions and forgets what plans she has for the day and what has happened in the past which is why my uncle is always after her money and never pays her back coz she wont remember.
mum is really trying to help her by explaining what she needs to be doing in certain situations but it wont sink in. mum is becoming increasingly drained with frustration.

Have you tried using a memory book for your Nanna? Get a notebook or diary and write in what she needs to do each day ie if she has a doctors appointment or is meeting someone for lunch. Get er to carry it with her so other people can write in it too. It works really well for a friend of my MILs. Sorry to hear things are so tough, hope your mum gets some help soon.

Does your mum have power of attorney or anything?

I think she needs to get down to CAB and ask what her options are, if only to protect your grandmother from being fleeced.

Has been to the go?

Could it be earlier dementia? In which case help would be available.

Yanbu to be annoyed at your uncle. But he is the way he is and your gran enabled his behaviour for years by thinking the sun shined out of his arse for years, when he was a twat.

He isn't going to change the habit of a lifetime.

I don't know happened to my first sentence.

I meant has she been to the gp?

Have you spoken to your Nanna's gp? My step Grandma was like this and she ended up at the memory clinic of the local hospital, after a discussion with the gp and was able to get some help at home and some dugs to help slow down memory loss.

YANBU to be frustrated though, it's a hard situation to be in. I hope it gets better for you, your Mum and Nanna.

my mum has power of attorney but she cant stop nanna from giving my uncle her own bank card to pay his bills.
mum can right down simple instructions down on paper and she still cant understand.
GP says she is like this coz of a water infection and has given her pills but its been going on for ages,would have thought things should have got better by now

Surely I'd she has power of attorney that is exactly what she should be able to stop?

not sure how it works but it seems even though mum has nanna cards in her name nanna can still use her own cards too

This might be a difficult one - but could your Mum simply take your nan's cards and chequebooks away with some excuse? Our family has been in your situation and that ended up being the only way.

PS - does your uncle live with your Nan?

Why does your mum have power of attorny?

my nanna gets confused with sorting out her bank stuff and usually ends up ringing the bank, giving them a mouthful and then can`nt remember doing it the next. (feel sorry for whoever ends up on the other end of the phone to my nanna)
my uncle does not live with her no. if things go on the way they are im sure mum will end up having to take her cards and checkbook away, she feels guilty though if she does.

Why don't you tell your uncle he'd better step up or fuck off?!

i think she is very tempted right now but she does not want to upset nanna,
to be honest nanna does not deserve mums help with all the grief she gives her sometimes but she loves her too much not to

i doubt she has power of attorney if your Nan has her own bank cards. I am on my Nans accounts and have bank cards for her account but that is so i can do her finances for her. I am just a joint account holder with her and not power of attorney.

I have an Aunt very much like your uncle, but since i have been on my Nans account and have made it clear i check her account on line and do her bills etc she has stopped taking so much. She lives miles away so money only goes out when she visits. She also has to tell me if she is going to take money out, as i take money out for my Nan and put it into savings for her so my Aunt has to let me know in advance if she is going to need money - so i dont take it out if they need some that day. She doesnt like it but its tough. My Nan doesnt want to keep giving her money but isnt strong enough to tell her no, so this way it works out fine.

It sounds as though your mum could really do with some formal support.

Could she contact Carers UK - they have all sorts of support resources.

I'd also be pushing for further investigation by the GP - a referak to the memory clinic seems appropriate.

I don't know what to suggest regarding your Uncle, sorry.

Panther

This sort of situation can bring out the very worst in some parts of families - as well as the best - so it needs to be strictly controlled.

From what you say, your Nan is a vulnerable adult. She may have the onset of dementia or just simply be old but it looks as if she needs formal help. The last thing she deserves is angst in her later years, particularly with money. (She probably knows deep down that things are not right - otherwise why would she be phoning her bank and being agitated. She shouldn't have to: most bills should be able to be paid automatically by DD or CC (with some cash around for incidentals) and it would be far less hassle for your mom to supervise those on-line than to deal with what is currently happening.)

What Purple2012 says makes much sense - it's similar to what we did with my Mum and Dad; and they liked the regularity and safety of that method of operation.

You'll forgive me as well for mentioning this but does your family know what the situation is with your Nan's estate eg does she own her own home? I'm thinking about what might have to happen if she either has to go into care or when she dies. We had the 'luxury' of previously drawn up wills which couldn't be changed easily but you may not have that - at least as far as you know; and it's amazing nonetheless how much property/family heirlooms and mementos can go sideways when there's a vulture or two around. (I hate to use that word but that's what it is.)

I'd be speaking to the GP and to a solicitor as a matter of urgency. The situation will not improve from here on in and regularizing everyones' positions may be the only way for the family to move forward.

By the way, you can find out if your Nan has a proper Power of Attorney. Have a look round this guide and site.

\link{https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney\POA}

There are lots of other resources available online for you to check out as well.

How would it go down if YOU spoke to your uncle and told him OP? Or would that just cause hassle?

What if your DM were to get hold of her DM's cards and pretend her brother swiped them?!

waltermittymissus

My own view would be that any talking to the uncle should only be done after the GP and, preferably, a solicitor have been spoken to. And legal matters concluded. If he's on a nice little earner, it's best to get things sorted out before he realizes what may be up. If he's not, and in the event that the OP has 'misunderstood' things (not that I think she has), then his thoughts should be for his Mum's well being and he should have no issue with what is being done. It's always preferable to talk from a position of strength and, in this case, to avoid the possibility of him running to the OP's Nan and upsetting her with whatever tale he might concoct.

plutocrap

That would be immoral at best and illegal at worst. (Depending on who was told of the events.) You should always play these matters straight in my strong view.

"GP says she is like this coz of a water infection "

Well that´s possible-but then it sounds as if she needs more medical attention than she is getting.

My dad was so ill he was hospitalised.

It was as if he had had a stroke.

I could barely understand him & his personality had changed.

Cozie fair point. I agree with you completely.