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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about this Will?

66 replies

Rugbycomet · 17/11/2012 10:10

Background info...

My parents divorced two years ago. My father has a new partner but she was not the cause of the break up. Although I am not fond of this lady, she has been around for my father over the last couple of years whilst he was ill and very nearly died. In fact he probably would have if she hadn't been there and for that I am very grateful.

My father mentioned to me about ten months ago that he would like to leave something in his will for this lady and how did i feel about it? I said that it was his money but it should be a stated amount and not a percentage and only should they still be together and if she were to die before him, her share should not go to her children so be aware of that.

I have just found out that his estate will be divided into six equal shares. My brother and I will have a sixth each and his three grandchildren will also receive a sixth each. To my horror, this lady will also receive a sixth too.

I feel sick about this. It feels wrong to me but I understand its his money at the end of the day.

He didn't tell me btw about this so as far as he's aware, I know nothing about it.

How would you feel?

OP posts:

Narked · 17/11/2012 10:25

Get a grip.

If he chose he could leave 100% to her. That's his right. She's his partner.

GhostShip · 17/11/2012 10:25

YABU.

Why are you so bothered?

Squitten · 17/11/2012 10:27

Whether you are bothered or not is entirely irrelevant

Selim · 17/11/2012 10:28

It is perfectly possible for a 2 year relationship to be serious, lots of people get married within that time frame. If they had been together 5 years or ten or twenty years would that be ok?

Trills · 17/11/2012 10:32

Are you being unreasonable what....?

Are you being unreasonable to be mildly put out? No.

Are you being unreasonable to think that he shouldn't have done it? Yes - it's his money and he can do as he likes.

You've basically sad that she saved his life.

catsrus · 17/11/2012 10:33

a percentage is a far more sensible way to do it. think of this way, he makes his will now and has (for the same of argument) £120 K - at 1/6 each you all get £20K.

Lets say he decided to leave her £10 k and the rest to be divided between you. If he dies now you all get slightly more - but if he dies in a few years, after having been in a home - or having spent the money in some other way and there is only £40 left - then fixed bequests come first in the order of paying out - so she still gets £10 and the five of you get to divide £30 between you - only not £30k because you have to pay all the funeral costs out of the estate.

He has clearly taken sensible advice about leaving a percentage not a fixed amount - my solicitor strongly advised never to leave a fixed amount.

Hulababy · 17/11/2012 10:33

"It isn't about the money"

What is it about?

Jux · 17/11/2012 10:35

I can see how hurtful it is if you're thinking he's equating 2 years with a whole lifetime, of course.

On the other hand, which one of the six of you nursed him through his illness and kept him alive?

mumto2andnomore · 17/11/2012 10:35

If he was leaving everything to her I can see why you would feel a bit put out but the way he's done it seems very fair to me

TempusFuckit · 17/11/2012 10:36

OP, you're clearly upset about it, and I can see why. The split with your mum is fairly recent, and yes, his new partner has not been around for that long.

But, and it's a big but, it is a completely reasonable will for him to have made. Wills force people to allocate superficial values to their loved ones, but it's unhealthy to fixate on this as a literal value, as you seem to be doing.

(Plus, as everyone says, she did save his life!)

I'm a little [shocked] that you saw fit to dictate to him what the terms of his own will should be in such detail though. He was presumably sounding you out rather than asking for instructions. Now you've found out, best not to say how you feel to any of your family - you can see the typical reaction ...

I'm also curious as to how you found out?

sittinginthesun · 17/11/2012 10:37

I'm a wills and probate lawyer - this is a common situation, and tbh, sounds like a good compromise.

It is, however, considered to be bad form to discuss wills when someone is still alive.

fiftyval · 17/11/2012 10:40

I agree that it is entirely up to parents how they leave their money but that doesn't mean one can't have an opinion as to what is fair. I personally believe that if parents have something to leave they should leave it to their children equally (unless there has been some major fall-out or if they have already financially helped out one sibling and not the others). I don't agree with splitting estates equally between children and grandchildren as this can lead to gretly reduced inheritances for the siblings who have fewer children - why should one sibling's lifestyle choice affect the inheritance of the others. I don't think it is the grandparents' responsibility to fund the generations further down the line. It is fine to remember your grandchildren with a token amount but not by equal splits with their parents.
If there are 2-3 children the estate from a house sale could give enough for each child to make a real difference to their lives - start splitting between grandchildren too and you end up with a much different scenario and the potential unfairness of one sibling's 'family' getting alot more money in total if siblings have had differing numbers of children themselves.

Original poster

Rugbycomet · 17/11/2012 10:40

Juke...I live in France but was over here for a lot of the time whilst he was ill because I was obviously very worried about him. She saved his life because she dialled 999 and I am very very grateful for that. He was in hospital for most of the time and I went in every day to visit him, sort out his bills and house as he had just moved. That really is neither here nor there. I would have done that anyway for him, he's my father and I love him.

OP posts:

Narked · 17/11/2012 10:41

How he splits his assets has nothing to do with how much he values you as his child or her in relation to you. It seems to matter a great deal to you that she get an amount rather than a percentage. Her having a sixth is not your father saying she has equal worth to you. It's a reflection of the nature of their relationship.

Most people, in his situation, would leave eg 30% to their DP with the remainder to be divided between their relatives. It's not because they love their DC less. It's because their DC have their own lives and their own partners and they want to leave their partner - who will have lost their companion - a little financial security.

Cahoots · 17/11/2012 10:41

I can understand how this must feel strange to you as youDF's new partner has only been in his life for a couple of years but I, imagine, your DF is not planning on dying anytime soon and that he plans on being with his new partner for the rest of his life. I imagine he is trying to be as fair as possible and is trying to keep things simple. It is a pain having to keep updating wills and it would be awkward for your DF to keep having to adjust the will.
People readily get married after only knowing someone for two years. You may be underestimating how important your DF partners is to him. This doesn't mean the rest of the family is any less important.
I don't think it sounds unfair and ultimately it is up to your DF what he does with his money. I think you should have a rethink and try to accept what he has done.

Cahoots · 17/11/2012 10:42

Original poster

Rugbycomet · 17/11/2012 10:42

Sitting in the sun...I have only discussed the will on this forum. I would not do so in the real world, hence why I came on here!

OP posts:

Narked · 17/11/2012 10:45

And Catsrus makes a very good point. By leaving a % rather than a set amount she will not end up getting any more than you.

TandB · 17/11/2012 10:56

It seems like a perfectly normal and reasonable distribution to me.

There isn't much difference between a 1/5 share and a 1/6 share - but there is a big difference between nothing and a 1/6 share. So he has reduced your shares very slightly to give her something - he isn't proposing to leave her the lion's share of his estate - he is simply making the same provision for her as he is making for all of his loved-ones.

Dividing the estate into equal shares is a much less emotive statement than dividing it into 5 big shares and one tiny one. Equal shares doesn't necessarily say anything about people's relative worth to him, but giving someone a much smaller share than everyone else could easily be interpreted as a comment on that person's value to his life.

Presumably he is planning on spending a long time, possibly the rest of his life with this lady. So by the time this becomes relevant, she could be his wife or partner of twenty years or more. I'm guessing at that point equal shares will start looking like a pretty fair idea, given that people generally leave the larger part of their estate to their long-term partner or spouse. You may find yourself defending the equal shares provision at some point in the future!

You would not be unreasonable to feel agrieved if you were being cut out of the will, or having your provision substantially reduced in favour of this lady, but arguing that you should have more than her just makes you look greedy.

Vivalebeaver · 17/11/2012 11:03

I'm in the same situation but my dad has left everything to his new partner in his new will. So I won't get a penny. I wouldn't dream of telling him who he can and can't leave his money to.

cbeebiesatemybrain · 17/11/2012 11:06

Yabu, sorry. I won't be getting a penny when my selfish disinterested dad kicks the bucket. Be grateful yours is leaving you something!

OpheliaPayneAgain · 17/11/2012 11:13

Its right he looks after his spouse. Morally and legally. She is first in his life and he has an obligation to look after her.

My father remarried after my mothers death. DSM got everything, rightly so. Anything she has left over when she dies is divided between myself, my DSSis, and her daughter. Now I think about it, that excludes my brother and my own children Thats the the way the cookie crumbles.

His money, his choice, and of course he was right to do so. Same as your father is right to leave money to his WIFE.

Show him this thread and let him see what a money grabbing offspring he's produced. See if he chnages his will then

MummytoKatie · 17/11/2012 11:15

Agree with what the others said about the amount vs percentage. If he'd left her an amount then that would have come first even if it meant there was nothing left for any of you.

One thing to think about is what the law says if he decided to marry her - even if he died the day after the wedding. She would get the first £250k plus half the rest.this is because the law recognises spouses as having the most right to the money. This doesn't apply to partners but that is because it is very hard to define a partner. (As opposed to boyfriend or person you have gone to dinner with twice.)

Original poster

Rugbycomet · 17/11/2012 11:33

They are not married and do not live together!

OP posts:

pinotmonster · 17/11/2012 11:40

Makes me so sad when I see people contemplating how much money they will be left.

It means nothing - my dh died 2.5 yrs ago and I was well provided for - I would give it all back and be millions debt if it meant he could still be here and our children still had their dad. They don't care about money - they just want their dad.

Some people don't have anything to leave. What if he gave it to the local cats home - trust me the only important thing is the loss of the person and all they mean to you, not what they left in monetary terms.

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