to be frightened, firm and fucking furious?

[SomeoneElseHere]

NC as identifiable.

We live abroad in a residence where all the families go to the bar on a Friday night for drinks. The kids all run around together unsupervised. I expect people think I'm a bit paranoid and helicoptery for supervising DD but there is a swimming pool, a lake and other dangers. Parents seem to think that the bigger kids will look out for the little ones. I don't like to go there very often to be honest, because it annoys me that everyone else is chatting and drinking and I'm running round after a bunch of kids. DH thinks I'm OTT, and so is very half-hearted in his supervision.

DD is 3. She has a friend who is also 3, and another who is 4. The other kids are all older.

DH took DD alone tonight as I was feeling ill. They came back. She was wet. She had sat on the edge of the pool and dunked her legs in. Her 4 year old friend was with her. No-one else.

I am now saying that we will not go unless she is with one of us (or another adult) AT ALL TIMES. DH thinks she 'deserves another chance'. IMO it's not a case of 'another chance. It's not like she spilt juice when she wasn't sitting at the table. She got in the fricking swimming pool in the dar with no-one around (pool is hidden by wall and trees).

AIBU? This is mostly a rant, as I know I'm not BU and even if you say I am I'm not backing down.

Furious, I tell you.

[wineandroses]

oh my god Op, your DH is a moron! What are you going to do to make sure this doesn't happen again?

Some friends of my brother went on holiday with a large group to a villa with a pool. Adults sitting next to pool, drinking and chatting, big and little kids in the pool. Little 3 year old drowned and no-one noticed . I am tearful even writing this because it was just the saddest thing. Please Please Please make your idiot husband understand.

I would avoid those other stupid parents too.

[Lemonylemon]

YANBU. Don't back down. Show your H this thread.

If it were me, I'd be absolutely spitting chips....

[Quenelle]

YANBU I am horrified.

Soapysuds64 what a terrible thing

I always thought Australians were especially vigilant about watching children around swimming pools. Because so many people have them.

I once heard a woman on the radio describing a time when she was sitting by the side of a pool with her toddler one side of her and slightly older child the other. They were all dangling their legs in. Woman turned to talk to her older child and when she turned back her toddler was under the water. He had slipped in completely silently. She was sitting within touching distance and didn't hear a thing.

Friends of ours have a swimming pool and they had a party for the Royal Wedding last year. I saw so many people rolling their eyes at me for following DS around the garden. I got sick of them all saying 'there's enough eyes on him' like some sort of bloody mantra. As if any of the pissed blokes was paying attention to the small boy playing behind their legs on the pool deck

[diddl]

Bloody idiot.

How about you get a babysitter or take it in turns to go in future?

Wonder if the other parents will watch their kids if no one else is?

It really is a tragedy waiting to happen imo.

If any of them fell in the older ones might not react quickly enough.

How old are the older ones?

It´s a big responsibility!

[captainmummy]

We went to a garden party where there was a pool, with a dinghy in it, which my ds1was fascinated by.(he was about 3) and when it was food-time the pool fence/gate was chained up. BUT the chain wasn't tight enough on the gate, my ds1 slipped through. He was found in the dinghy in the middle of the pool, we assume it must have been by the side of the pool and he'd climbed in. It still makes my blood run cold to think - what if he'd slipped? He was still in nappies, which would have filled up and pulled him down.
We were eating on the lawn, not 10 yards away, but no-one noticed him .

Your scenario is a tragedy waiting to happen OP - until then I suppose no-one will take any notice.

[OnwardBound]

I am Australian [by origin] and I am horrified at this.

It is true that in Aus there is much publicity and government sponsored public health warnings around the dangers of children and swimming pools.

Everyone knows that small children, alcohol and adults socialising and unfenced swimming pool out of view of any form of adult supervision is a tragic accident waiting to happen...

Well actually, it's not an accident is it. It is a completely forseeable event!

If I were you OP I would point this out to either the person hosting these social gatherings and/or the venue they are held at.

Because I think they may find themselves up on manslaughter charges and also being sued to within an inch of their lives.

This may help them rethink the idiocy of their ways, if they are not particularly troubled by the idea of a small dead child

[abitcoldupnorth]

jesus captainmummy that would make me need to sit down for a long time with a bottle of brandy.

and OP, of course YANBU. Can they not secure the pool somehow? In France now you must have a secure fence and gate round every pool.

[nancy75]

I am really surprised to hear this is in Australia, I thought pools there had to be fenced off?

[WakeyCakey]

YADNBU
When I was 4 (sisters 5+6) my nanny took us to go swimming at a pool on holiday. I had to watch her dive in and carry a 5 year old out of the pool (who we had been playing with all over the holiday) as she was left there while her parents went to get some food.

She didn't know how to swim and never stood a chance.

When her parents were finally found (about and hour later) they had only been gone 30 mins when we found her.

I will never forget that image.

Tell your DH that this behaviour can only end in tradegy!

[LiegeAndLief]

I grew up as a British expat and there was a lot of this going on. As a kid I was often in the pool in the dark at parties while the grownups were chatting and drinking round the edge. I can remember diving for coins during one party in which everyone got pissed and started throwing fully dressed adults into the pool (in fact I think I found some poor bloke's glasses for him at the bottom of the pool).

Fortunately most of us could swim very well and no one got into difficulties that I remember. It was fun at the time and seemed very normal but there is no way I would want a child of mine in the pool in that situation. Especially one who was 3 or 4. YAN in any way BU.

[goodygumdrops]

YANBU. I would be furious with him, not her though.

[BeatTheClock]

Omg yadddnbu An pool or pond can be as dangerous to a curious unattended child as a road. You are right to be so worried. Everyone there sounds dangerously laid back.

My dd stepped into a pool once when she was about 4 and sank without trace. Luckily I was watching her and sprinted over and hauled her out. The pool was busy and no-one even noticed but me and a guy in the pool who immediately dashed over too. Dd had mistaken it for the shallow baby pool - dh was distracted with ds and dd1. It was awful

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

I am a pretty casual parent but this has frightened me, as well. It really does sound like it's only a matter of time before someone's child drowns.

I do think the idea upthread about talking to the owner of the premises is probably the best one. Your fuckwit of an H has probably already convinced the other parents that you are a neurotic hysterical woman who can be ignored, but if that pool isn't safely fenced off then I think the owners would be liable if a kid died.

[Startail]

Seriously show this thread to DH
As I say by 5 DD2 was a very competent swimmer, but that's because she wasn't scared.
Long before she could swim she would happily jump in a pool without arm bands or get way out of her depth with them on.

I'm assuming you live somewhere warm and your dd is likely to be used to pools.
She will not be scared of water, she will not recognise the danger Your H and the other adults are fools

[Plomino]

Jesus Christ .

Would your DH be equally happy to let her play on a motorway ? Because its just as fucking dangerous . Tragedies happen , and some of them are preventable. They happen because people are complacent , and they think its never going to happen to them . Well it does . It happens to the complacent just as often as the delibarately neglectful.

[ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr]

That is a unanimous YANBU then.

I felt sick with worry for you when I started reading the thread and now I feel a bit tearful.

[Dahlen]

Yet another YANBU. I'm a great believer in 'benign neglect' but it sure as hell doesn't apply to a 3-year-old and an unsupervised swimming pool. Why is your H saying your DD 'deserves another chance'. She's 3 and is going to do what comes naturally to 3 year olds. The fact that your H doesn't recognise this and seeks to make her responsible for her own safety in a dangerous situation is very, very worrying.

[Northernlurker]

This thread makes me feel sick tbh. Show it to your dh and make changes somehow because with the scenario you describe it's not if a child drowns it will be when.

[MollyMurphy]

FFS I would have lost the plot with my DH for that kind of supervision. YASOOOONBU. 3 year olds aren't exactly known for their grasp on cause and effect.

We took our 2 year old to a lake. DH was "watching" him, AKA watching some boat go by and failed to notice that our son had fallen face first into the water. Thank god I was keeping an eye on them! It only takes a second.

[ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr]

This reminds me of something I heard on R4 the other day, following Nick Clegg being interviewed about parents sharing paternity/maternity leave.

A woman said that there would never be equality between men and women as parents because women do all the worrying. So true I think and this scenario underlines that fact.

[HecatePropylaea]

A three year old unsupervised by a pool.

It's a headline waiting to happen.

I am sorry, but your husband is being a total bloody fool.

If, god forbid, anything did happen to her, he'd never forgive himself because it would be his fault.

some risks are not worth taking.

[AlienRefluxovermypoppy]

Do people learn nothing from cases like Madelaine Mcann? Your DH needs to rethink his laid back attitude to parenting, just because all the other
irresponsible twats parents do it,doesn't mean it's safe, it means they want to get pissed and forget they have kids.

YANBU

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

YANBU

I'm a relaxed parent, I have older children as well as younger ones and I sometimes leave them alone together

But neither I nor my DH would ever ever do this. It is so irresponsible that I think it crosses over into child neglect. Has your DH considered that should something have happened he would be held responsible?

[AlienRefluxovermypoppy]

That's not even mentioning the mahoosive danger of the pool/lakes etc.

He's a twat, hope you gave him hell. I would worry about him taking her again on his own.

Especially if his attitude is 'give her another chance'????

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

Exit I don't agree that it is all men, though judging by the op it is obviously some of them. My DH worries equally about our dc no doubt at about it