Relationships Section.

[Latara]

AIBU to be very annoyed that people are using real or imagined diagnoses of Mental Health Disorders to justify attempts to remove full or partial custody from the other parent in the Relationships Section of MN??

Surely they should focus on behaviour NOT diagnosis (mostly not professional diagnoses either, it seems, but just gathered from a read of internet sources that can be totally biased).

I'm sick of people mixing up Borderline (BPD) & Narcissistic (NPD). They are totally, completely different.

I'm sorry but have to go out (for lunch with a friend - yes, people who suffer with BPD do often have friends!!). So can't catch up with any replies for a couple of hours or so.

As the child of a schizophrenic parent I would say that some MH issues are strong reason for the child to have very limited contact with that parent. It is all very well to talk about the rights of the parent but I think that the rights of the child to a safe, normal childhood are more important.

I do think that some people are just selfish twats.. giving their behaviour a label does not excuse that behaviour.

YANBU. It pisses me off too.

This has long been one of my ranty subjects.

YANBATALLU

My Ex has a PD. He beats the crap out of my children when the mask slips. I can provide you with evidence if you like but until then I'll await your permission for me to post about the issues

Would you be so good as to link an example of a thread where an amateur diagnosis was used as an excuse to limit contact? There is admittedly a lot of suggesting X behaviour could well mean Y disorder, and I'm as guilty of that as the next person, to be fair. However, I can't remember having seen the diagnosis, as opposed to the behaviour, being given as a fair reason to stop children seeing their father (or mother, or grandmother etc). Allowing children not to see someone they are shit scared of is another matter. I'd use any excuse the law would allow for that, wouldn't you?

On the other side of the coin, sometimes you'll get a poster who is afraid to leave a bad relationship because the partner has told them they will lose residence with the DCs because they've got X or Y mental problem, and most of us will pile in quickly to say don't worry, they don't take your kids away for that.

As an example: (sorry i'll link after i learn how to!) There is a thread on Relationships right now that uses the (amateur diagnosis label) ''BNPD'' or ''Borderline Narcissistic Personality Disorder''.

There is no such disorder as BPND!!
BPD is totally separate and different to 'NPD'.

That is what made me finally snap (like a person who has the right to be fangry, not because i have BPD with some anger issues) & start this thread.

That particular thread made me cross because the (actually very dangerous) behaviour of the ex is said by the OP to be caused by the supposed ''BPND'' & therefore this supposed ''diagnosis'' is given as a reason to stop contact with his DD - when in fact it's his behaviour that is the main problem.

His behaviour alone should be enough to stop contact asap with the DD; without the OP messing about muddying the waters with amateur diagnoses.

I know AIBU to discuss another thread, i won't report that thread as the OP does clearly need help with her ex problems.

But i feel that IANBU to get annoyed on behalf of all of us with actual diagnoses that make our lives hell at times to be honest - i'm sick of the words Borderline, Depression, Narcissistic being thrown around as if it's a game, sorry.

Sorry x-posted quietly but yes it's that thread that is the last straw for me.

Oops at 'fangry' - not 'fucking angry', i meant to type 'angry'

Oh, that one. You do have a point with that one. I kept out of it as there seemed to be enough sensible advice going on, and didn't feel querying the portmanteau PD would be particularly helpful. But I hope you'll agree that the whole board isn't generally like that. Yes, there's a bit of a fixation on NPD, but generally speaking it's because it turns out to explain behaviours that the poster had been trying to make sense of for years, which they already knew were wrong but couldn't put their finger on. It is fair to say that proper clinical diagnosis of NPD is likely to be rare because it isn't the sufferer themselves who thinks they have a problem. And I know that's true acos I read it on teh Internet!

Links: c&P the URL between two sets of square brackets, making sure there's a space outside the brackets but not one inside, if that makes sense. Like this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1611895-help-ex-may-try-to-abduct-DD-this-w-e

YANBU at all. It's one of my pet peeves when randoms on the internet start trying to diagnose people they've never met.

And let's not get started on the politics of DSM

I have been on relationships when anyone pointing out that sometimes people are just twats, get called all sorts.

I will try and find the thread but someone asked what the 'signs' of NPD. Everyone told her her ex h definitely had it.
Someone pointed out that he could be a dick and she was told she was a moron who had no idea what she was talking about. Also that she was making abused women feel worse by questioning the diagnosis (I use the word diagnosis loosely).

Its ridiculous.

I think I may start using 'fangry'. I like it.

As my name suggests I have no clue what DSM is? My brain isn't working.

The prefix undiagnosed is bandied round like sweeties in a shop on this forum: I had a baby and I have undiagnosed PND - no you have baby blues thats normal; my husband has undiagnosed aspergers - no, he's a train spotter; my mum is undiagnosed narc - no she told you off once, this does not mean your whole childhood was abusive.... it really is endless. The amount of projection and failure to accept any responsibility for personal relationships, be that with partner, parent, sibling or a stray acquaintance at the school gate is astounding.

Not everything has a label nor an excuse.

What people are really saying is "this person does not conform/perform to what I want, therefore they must be labled and by default damaged in some way because I cannot accept I have surreal expectations of my relationships"

squeakytoy

"I do think that some people are just selfish twats.. giving their behaviour a label does not excuse that behaviour"

That up there. That is exactly it.

And actually - what Ophelia says too.

DSM - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. The 'official' US repository of diagnoses including for MH conditions. People may be under the impression that diagnoses are always objective but in the context of MH this is far from being true and the addition or removal of syndromes or disorders is highly politicised (eg homosexuality was only removed from DSM in 1973).

The Relationships Section upsets me :(

"Not everything has a label nor an excuse.

What people are really saying is "this person does not conform/perform to what I want, therefore they must be labled and by default damaged in some way because I cannot accept I have surreal expectations of my relationships"

Has got to be one of the truest things I've read on MN for a long time. I stay off relationships now for that reason.

Thanks for everyone's views.

annie thanks for showing me how to do links; i will be trying that in future threads if needed.

YY, I hate how the AS DX is bandied about.

Description of nasty bastard, reply "oh, have you considered that he may have ASD?"

ASD does not = nasty bastard. Most people are dicks.

I hate it too, I'm a mh nurse and can't see that it's helpful. When relationships break down people can display unplesent behaviour. Doesn't mean they need a label.