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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be starting to regret leaving city for countryside / feeling lonely?

50 replies

Kissingk1979 · 14/11/2012 19:34

After many years in the city DP and I took the plunge this year and bought a house in the countryside. We had been wanting to do this for ages, partly because we love the countryside but mainly because it meant we could buy a family sized house, whereas if we stayed in London we could afford a 2 bed flat at best. We both work in London and have a 1.5 hour commute each way but decided it was worth it.

For the first few months after we moved things were great, however then DP's work cut down staff numbers and since then DP has been working all hours. He has always worked fairly long hours, finishing about 7pm or sometimes 8pm or 9pm on a bad day, however for the last few months he has literally been working 8am - 9pm on a good day and on a bad day he can be working until the early hours. Sometimes he sleeps at the office as he reckons its not worth coming home. The are no signs that the situation will improve. He works in finance.

The issue is when we moved to the middle of nowhere we did it on the basis we would be doing it as a couple. However now I have a 1.5 hour commute home, just to sit in a big dark house in the middle of nowhere all alone. I don't know anyone in the area and it's hard to make friends as I work full time myself. I also don't really like being home alone in our big rural house at night, but I know I need to stop being such a wimp!

I just don't know what to do. New jobs in DPs field are hard to come by, and I am so fed up of being alone. If I knew things would pan out this way I would have stayed in London where I had lots of friends nearby and knew the neighbours etc.

DP knows how I feel and doesn't like seeing me sad and he isn't happy with having to work such long hours himself.
Anyone else been in a similar situation?
We don't have kids yet.

OP posts:

WeatherWitch · 15/11/2012 10:17

Possibly an odd suggestion, but have you thought about getting a cat? I'd have suggested a dog but working all day won't fit with that (unless like me you work in a dog-friendly office), but a cat will give you another presence in the house and something to come home to. Obviously a rubbish idea if you hate cats or are allergic or something, but I found when I was in a similar situation with DH away a lot and living in the middle of nowhere that the dog was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had considered a cat before that but DH is allergic.

Corygal · 15/11/2012 10:23

I know people who did this for identical reasons to yours and 5 years on it still hasn't worked. They had to get a flat in London too, which cost a fortune, as the husband's hours increased and he was told by his GP to get sensible re 19 hours days.

The wife is lonely and has just taken a minimum wage job as nothing else on offer, plus she needs to be available locally as her husband now only lives with her and the kids part-time. Their kids love it tho'.

GrendelsMum · 15/11/2012 11:34

WeatherWitch - I think that's a great idea! I am in the same situation and having a cat rush out to greet me every evening is very cheering.

OP - do take the opportunity of Christmas to take part in village activities. Invite your neighbours round for a drink. Take part in carol singing / Christmas concert / whatever you have locally.

Just telling people that you're new and haven't met many people yet would probably be a very good starting point.

Karoleann · 15/11/2012 11:42

My husband works in finance too and he's also working long hours, but it will improve when the economy improves.
If you're going to start a family soon anyway and I'm guessing you're about 33 from your user name, why not try now? You'll make lots of friends when you have children!
I'd also recommend that you take up some hobbies that you can do at home by yourself, playing the piano, making things.
Could your husband meet you for a quick dinner before going back into the office to finish off? Then at least you have seen him.

pointybird · 15/11/2012 11:47

Do you have a Parish magazine/newsletter? Volunteering to help edit it means you get to know everyone who organises the activities in your area.

LittleTyga · 15/11/2012 11:50

Is there any way you could stay in London until your husband finishes work - meet friends for a drink, meal, cinema, shopping - then get some dinner and go home together?

valiumredhead · 15/11/2012 11:57

OP I remember the same feelings - I used to love our flat knowing that there was someone downstairs and next door to call on. Give it time x

redexpat · 15/11/2012 12:38

I think the lodger sounds like a good solution.

Have you looked at other organised activities that happen at the weekend? THey tend to me more outdoorsy. Have a look on do-it for volunteering opportunities. There might be some online stuff you can do which would get you in contact with local people. Check the local paper for village activites. It takes a while to adjust but I've found it's worth it.

Bubblemoon · 15/11/2012 12:51

Do not think having a baby in a house in which you're uncomfortable and lonely, where you have no support and whilst your husband works killer hours will make your life any better. Imagine your life as it is now, only you are home alone all day and often all night and where baby wakes you up through the night. Imagine yourself exhausted, your husband comes home exhausted and when you are together you just want to sleep. Your husband's situation sounds dire to me.

If I were you I'd rent out the house, get a crash pad in London, both think again about work and life and plan what will be sustainable and make you happy, healthy and allow you to spend the time you want together, then maybe a baby would be the perfect next step....but look out for yourselves first.

Rebecca75 · 15/11/2012 12:58

Hi, I forgot to add in my post yesterday that another thing I did a few months after we moved as was also in dire need of making friends was to go and knock on all my neighbours door - prob in a 2 mile vicinity (we really do live VERY rurally) and introduce myself. I got invited in for the odd cup of coffee, there were some who I have never spoken to since and others who I see from time to time. Your neighbours will probably be curious about who's moved in as they have never seen you either.

twirlyagogo · 15/11/2012 12:58

Do you actually like where you have moved to? When you have time to be there, holidays, weekends, do you love it there? If not, get out while you can - moved to the country a few years ago and it was the worst decision of my life so if you don't actually like it when you get the chance, run, run for your lives . . .

Jusfloatingby · 15/11/2012 13:17

The problem seems to be your husband's job; not country life. So I would tackle that. Could he work from home a couple of days a week? Could he put an extra push on to find another job in his field? Or would he be prepared to completely change track and work in a different field altogether? Obviously, though, if you've bought a new house you can't be too flexible regarding reduction in income but it might be worth looking at alternatives. His working hours sound absolutely crazy with or without a long commute.

Original poster

Kissingk1979 · 15/11/2012 13:18

We absolutely love where we live at the weekends (when DP not working....)
We love the house, the garden, the area, the local pub, the only bad thing is the killer hours DP works.
The area is perfect and what we have always dreamed of and when I am not there alone after dark I am so happy there.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 15/11/2012 13:25

But if the OP rents out her house in the country won't she have to pay income tax on this. Otherwise it sounds a good idea to do this and then rent a flat in London.

honeytea · 15/11/2012 13:37

How long have you been in your new house op? Remember that this time of year is pretty depressing and dark and soon the days will get longer and maybe the house won't feel so lonely with some sunshine coming in.

Would getting a lodger allow your dp to work less hours?

I think the point about having a baby and being even more isolated is valid although you would make mummy friends it doesn't seem ideal to have a child that your dp will effectively only see at the weekends.

Are your jobs tied to the south east? In your situation I think id opt for a move to the countryside in another part ok the UK.

Original poster

Kissingk1979 · 15/11/2012 13:46

Hi yes jobs tied to London sadly. DP also wants to stay near London as family are there.
We are not ready to have kids quite yet ( want to get married first) realistically I think it will be a few years before we have kids and hopefully be then we will have paid off some of the mortgage and DP can reduce working hours (although appreciate kids are expensive, but we are saving so hard now to make things better in the future)

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 15/11/2012 13:47

OP you need a kitten!!!!

ivykaty44 · 15/11/2012 13:49

WI meeting in my area are not until 7.45pm, why not drop them an email and go and try one or two groups to see what they are like?

honeytea · 15/11/2012 13:58

Your future sounds very bright, I hope thinking of your life in maybe 5 years time can help you get through this hard bit :)

I agree that a lodger and kitten sound like a great idea :)

Original poster

Kissingk1979 · 15/11/2012 14:11

Would live a kitten! We really want a dog, but definitely not practical at the moment with both working full time

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 15/11/2012 15:15

Get a kitty then. My mum did as she was feeling a bit lonely and she ended up with two and she adores them and they adore her, and they are a great comfort.

Also kitties take car of themselves, much less work than a dog, and will be easier to cope with when you start your family :)

I'd love one but we are all a bit allergic in this house

Get one!

BambinoBoo · 15/11/2012 15:27

We moved from London to Kent for much the same reasons. Similar commute although we both had decent working hours so would get home by 7. Even then, after 2 months of sheer boredom, I was planning our escape. Ok, we couldn't go back to London as it was far too expensive and we had DS but we moved to a smaller cheaper city - I got a move through work and DH then got a local job. Might that be an option.
It would appear that I like the country for day trips, but am a Londoner at heart and will always prefer the city. I would rent your house out and move closer to work. Commuting is hell on earth and having no support network is just as bad.

valiumredhead · 15/11/2012 15:28

What time do you get home OP if dh gets back at 9pm?

maybenow · 15/11/2012 15:35

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but IMO you didn't 'move' to the country - you just sleep there. You didn't move your life there. If you really, really can't move your work (tbh. i would NOT commute 3hrs a day) then you at least need to move your social life.

I know it's hard to make friends but if you try going to EVERYTHING in the village and volunteering for stuff - guides, cubs, choir, whatever.. even if you start by going at weekends for now with dh and then don't be afraid to say to people 'oh dh isn't around in the week and i'm at a loose end'..

Otherwise I reckon you'd be a lot better going back to the city so you can actually LIVE your life where your home is.

blanksquit · 15/11/2012 16:10

We had similar when we first moved out of London. I really only slept in the new house. But I think you just have to see it as a stepping stone. Eventually you want to have a family and it's a great place to raise one. It's just hard in the meantime. During the transition, see your friends in London after work.

Ten years down the line - i have a working from home job, my dh now works locally. Making new friends doesn't happen overnight, it takes time and years even to make a good friend. I feel bored here (miss the city life) but it's great for my family and I feel quite settled. And we live in a reasonable sized house near a decent school - something that we couldn't afford in London.

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