to expect DS aged 4.8 to have stopped tantrumming by now

[tripletipple]

He had another major meltdown in a shop today. Normally I avoid shops with him at all costs but today thought that it might be ok if I explained to him beforehand exactly what we were going in for and nothing else. Wrong!

It's not just shops though, can happen at any mention of the word "no" or any disguised version of it.

Should this not have stopped by now? Do you have a child of this age who still has tantrums or did you have one who has since stopped?

AIBU to think he is too old to still be doing this?

I have a 6.5yo and while he is still temperamental I would say that we have finally said farewell to the massive toddler style melt downs.

Plenty of strops and stomping of feet though.

Am now going to touch some wood.

Can I touch that wood too Nick?

My eldest DD still has tantrums--she is 20! Some just never grow out of it.

It is nothing to do with parenting- it is the personality of the DC.

DS1 was about 12 before he stopped but he was a perfectionist who got frustrated.

I think all children are different. Dd has just turned 5 and is just starting minor tantrums. I never had any problems with her throughout her terrible twos and threes.

DS1 is nearly 7 and has a couple of meltdowns most school days, mostly to do with coming off games or going to bed. Although he did start a tantrum today about stopping playing the Wii and checked himself when he remembered I had said you can only play if you stop when I tell you. I heard him reminding himself

my stepson still had them at 18.... he is 28 now and has calmed down thankfully!!

Thanks for all the replies - didn't get back on last night as DS had another tantrum resulting in me getting a hole bitten out the front of my top! (Better than a hole bitten in me I suppose)

Reading through the replies I initially thought 6 looked like the age when mostly they had stopped - then others said right through teens, argh!

My problem, like Dave mentioned, is he is getting too big for me to handle. I am on my own with him so no man to help and also means sometimes I have no option but to take him with me when I shop etc. I just want it to stop!

My DS didn't start having tantrums until he was 4. By 6 he had reached the stage of having absolute meltdowns every day (including hitting out/kicking at DH and me/destroying property/screaming that he hated us). Only ever at home, he was an angel at school!

We had an awful time when he seemed to ruin every day out and family holiday. In the end we just tried to stay consistent & not to react to his behaviour. I still keep an eye on the amount if sleep he has has (at 7, DS still goes to bed before 7.30 which is earlier than most of his friends) because having even one late night can be a major trigger than affects his mood for days. We also banned computer games of any description (this one made a MASSIVE difference).

DS is now 7 and I can't remember the last time he had a proper 'tantrum' at all. He is so much nicer to be around and he's a very happy boy with lots of friends. I think the things we did helped but, more than that, he just seemed to grow out of his difficult phase & really learned to control himself and to accept the consequences if he breaks a rule.

I never thought we'd get there so you do have my sympathy! Good luck.

OP, you don't have to 'handle' him, in fact it's probably a good idea not to if he is so angry he is biting holes in your top.

Stay out of his way - leave him to get angry by himself.

Keep very calm and tell him when he is ready to tell you why he is angry then to come and tell you - and then walk away and find something to do.

Ignore ignore ignore

Computer games were VERY limited at that age in this house.

If he is throwing a strop when you need him to do something, tell him calmly that it's his choice wether to carry on but for every minute he continues then it will be a minute earlier to bed.

Agree with valium. Ignore- discuss afterwards- calmly , in a rather bored tone, of 'what did you hope to achieve?' 'What would be a better way?'

I can't ignore him, he attacks me. If I go to another room I can barely keep the door closed against his force and he has dented a door using a scooter like a pick axe on the other side

You can ignore, you are an adult and he is a small child. Shutting doors will inflame the situation further, my ds used to do the same.

When he has calmed down you need to impose consequences for next time. Saving up to replace a door might make him think twice.

Definitely seize the scooter and remove.

What exotic said.

I agree to a point, but I still don't see that I can avoid 'handling' him, for want of a better word, when he is punching, kicking, biting and head butting me. If I walk away he follows me.

Handling him will make him worse - come on OP you are an adult of course you can top a 6 year old hitting you! Keep walking if he follows you - give him no reaction, take anything out of his hands if he is using it as a weapon.

I used to tell ds that I would video him and show his head teacher - that worked well

stop

Ah, top him! Brilliant idea valium

Yes, I have done the video thing too.

I will keep trying....

You can put your arms out to protect yourself before walking away and ignore too.

Walking away is powerful as is not reacting - even in public where there is an audience.

It's not always possible - and I've had times when it?s inflamed the situation.

We also got damaged doors and door frames ? as there have been times when doors needed to be shut to separate out of control DC from other DC and myself or times when I?ve need to regain calm and sometimes check for physical damage.

The teacher thing again a good technique ? doesn?t always work. I?ve had one DC attack me in front of her much loved teacher because she was completely beyond any self control at that point ? she was very upset and remorseful once she?d regained control.

It is finding techniques for managing the behaviour, trying to avoid triggers where possible and judging what best in any given situation to try and defuse it. It?s really hard work at times.

We don't do computer games at all.

I'm reducing the amount of TV they watch - its not on in the morning but increasingly not on every evening - and where it is for very short periods.

That does seem to be calming them down - even though they've always watched appropriate stuff anyway.

DD used to throw impressive tantrums at that age, if I tried to ignore they got worse.

One such tantrum, I managed to cuddle her really tightly and say softly calm down, calm down. she suddenly went really floppy and sobbed. I then discussed with her whilst still holding her and stroking her hair telling her she was safe. This tactic worked and the tantrums lessened dramatically.

Also if I thought she was going to blow I would get down to her level and ask calmly, tell me what is it you need, so that I can understand you. If it wasn't possible to fullfill her needs, if she was being unreasonable, I would tell her calmly why.