to want surprises for my son on Christmas Day??

[bugglesmummy]

Basically i have the mil from hell, she is a selfish, manipulative, lying you know what!! She has over the last 2 and a half years of my little boys life made out like i cant cope to anyone who will listen ignored everything myself and my partner have politely asked her to do in regards to looking after my son including not feeding him the junk that she eats for every meal when we want him eating healthily and rewarding bad behaviour with sweets, toys etc. My son has gone from eating fruit and vegetables with an occasional treat to eating sausages, chips, pizza, sweets, chocolates, cakes and crisps everyday for 3 days a week, he now wont eat anything if it isnt covered in fat or sugar and i feel like i am fighting a losing battle. This conversation has come up a lot in the last year with us asking her to not give him so much junk she does it for a day then goes back to doing whatever the hell she wants with him. She wants him at her house all the time its like an unhealthy obsession she has with him. She gets jealous if he spends time with his other grandparents and goes in a sulk and wont speak to my partner if i have holidays booked off at work which mean he spends the week with me. When we put him in nursery for one day a week she went in a mood because it meant he wasnt spending so much time at hers. I fould out that whenever he was going to her house as soon as he got there she would change him out of the clothes that i had put him in and put him in something that she wanted him to wear, she has brought him a whole wardrobe of clothes to keep at her house saying they are spare clothes but i used to send him with spares and she would never use them. I find this quite offensive she treats him like a little doll or something she calls my son her best mate and says he tells her everything. She says that he is her life and dosnt know what she would do if we stopped her seeing him. I think she is unhinged but my partner says to just ignore her. The latest stunt she has pulled has been the final straw for me. I told her weeks ago some of the presents that i had got my son for xmas and then on Sunday find out through my partner who had been over to her house that she has since i told her been out and brought the same things and given them to my son now in November knowing full well that i was giving them to him for xmas!!! I am so angry with her and made my partner ring her up i went on the phone and told her how upset i was and she called me a liar and said that i never told her and that she had bought the presents weeks ago and that she had told me which was not true. She told me last week that she had ordered him a game and on the phone she told me that one of the presents i got him was ordered at the same time as this game so this is how i know that she only odered them last week, if that makes sense? This woman is unbelieveable its so selfish now half the presents i have got my son he has now been given by her, what am i supposed to do with these now, send them back, keep them? My partner has now been over to her house to try and sort things out because as things stand at the mo i want nothing more to do with the woman my partner still wants my son to go to her house 3 days a week until we get free child places in April but i really dont know if i can put up with much more of this. I havnt been able to sleep for 3 days now because i am so wound up about it. What should i do?? My partner has given them one last chance saying if this dosnt work my son will start going nursey full time because he dosnt want everyone falling out. Alls i want is some repect from this woman as my sons mum and want him brought up and looked after how we want him brought up. Am i being unreasonable??

Hmm, YANBU. She sounds at best very lonely and bored and at worst a little unhinged. The changing his clothes thing is a bit odd but not worth bothering too much about, I think. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter too much what he wears when he's not with you. The food thing; well, you've tried to change the way she feeds him and it hasn't worked so all you can do is restrict his visits. She is essentially providing free childcare (if I'm understanding your post correctly), and unfortunately the only way you can completely control how your child is fed and raised is to feed and raise him yourself.

Her buying gifts that you'd told her you'd already bought is worrying though, if she definitely knew you'd bought them. Either very, very thoughtless, or possibly manipulative (hard to judge her motives from your post alone). But surely anyone in their right mind would realise that doing that was ruining your Christmas gift? Very odd.

If you loathe her so much (and she does sound loathe some) don't let her spend so much time with him. If you leave your son in her care for three days a week you have to accept she has a significant input into his diet and activities. If you don't like her choices, you need to choose done other care for him.

Given that she had proven herself so hostile to you, I'm surprised you told her what you had bought him for Christmas. It all sounds very tit for tat and immature and in the middle is a small child. Sort yourselves out.

I cant even contemplate reading that with no paragraph breaks in it. For that alone YABU!

God knows if your being unreasonable or not, I gave up after two sentences, couldn't cope with the post sorry! Seriously, paragraphs make for much easier reading.

Got about a quarter the way through your rant then thought if this woman is do bad remove her from your sons life! Don't let him go there 3 days a week....

Op why are you complaining while using her for child care.

Pay for a childminder or a nursery.

Then only visit occasionally.

Also post in paragraphs.

I did struggle with your post but persevered.
You are not BU, the smaller things like the clothes and the food are annoying but if the trade off is free child care then compromises have to be made. However when you combine that with the Christmas stuff then she is deliberately undermining you. It does sound like she is a little bit completelyobsessed with your DS and is trying to win a competition to see who can get him to love them most.
The only way round this is to stop him going round there so much and you will need your DH on side for that. Who does he believe about the present thing because either his Mum or his wife is lying and he needs to decide and face up to it. She will go mental, threaten, emotionally blackmail and pull out all the stops but you need to be united and he needs to tell her that until she recognises your place as parents then she won't get the same access as she previously had. But you can't do this when she is providing three full days free childcare.
Oh and you might want to tell him that when his mother accused you of lying that meant you have already all fallen out, or has he missed that

Your partner is right that the next step is to arrange paid childcare. Personally I'd be doing that now.

It is great that she clearly wants to be involved in your son's life. But she does seem to think he's her son rather than her grandson. Can you limit DS's visits to one day per week, so she still gets to spoil him regularly, but not ruin him?

Also, you'll obviously need to be a lot more selective about what info you share with her in future, given the bizarre Christmas present behaviour.

Good luck .

Paragraphs please.

Is it your child's birthday? If not how has she explained away giving him the gifts?

And this is the reason I never use friends/ family for essential childcare

I would be getting him into nursery asap.

Why does she change his clothes as soon as he walks in the door, and wtf is buying him presents for now knowing full well he will have them for christmas.

Yanbu, if it is at all financially possible I would be getting alternative childcare sorted out, the food thing would be the deciding factor for me. Did you send him with a healthy packed lunch because you ate being a little unreasonable if you expect mil to buy extra healthy food for ds that she doesn't eat.

Id take the toys back and buy him something useful with the money, it sounds like he will get loads from mil anyway, maybe put the cash into savings for him.

I managed to read most of your post.

MIL sounds completely unhinged and you need to pay for childcare, is there anyway you can claim WTC to get childcare vouchers? If you keep sending your ds over then YABU to keep complaining about her.

I also want to know what reason did she have to buy him a load of random presents?

YABU we have relied on my parents and MIL for significant amounts of childcare in the past. When I do this it is putting the trust in them.

She sounds like a very involved grandparent who when she knew what your ds would like for christmas she got carried away. I told my parents my dd loves puzzles and the next week they had bought everyone tesco had!

On the food subject send his food with him.

She sounds like a worse version of my MIL-eek!

At the very least I'd start increasing his nursery time ready for April. Eg from 1 to 2 days a week initially.

I'd start sending lunch and snacks through.

I'd leave the clothes as although annoying it's a less important issue.

I'd also consider increasing your use of annual leave between now and Easter, even if you just take an extra day off a fortnight.

Could your parents also visit and do a few days childcare?

I'd also start using language which reflects your place in the hierarchy eg 'as parents we think', 'Mum says x/y/z used as 'that's final', 'how's my boy?' etc as it will make you feel better.

I'd then limit what you tell her- I've had same issue this year with a bike (theirs is a carboot cheapy but I've bought 'first bike' for Christmas). Not much you can do apart from play your cards close to your chest and keep conversation neutral/non child related.

Good luck

Do you know the date she gave your DS her gifts? If so compare that date with the dates on your receipts for the same things. If your receipts are dated earlier, there's your proof to your DP that you bought them first. If he needs proof.

As for the junk food and your son 'preferring' that sort of thing after having it at her house, there's another reason for fewer visits to his GM.

If she wheedles information out of him about what you've done, what you've said and what you are planning, don't tell your DS anything until he no longer visits her for childcare.

As far as you yourself are concerned, tell her nothing about what you or your DP or DS do or think or have experienced. I had a MiL like this and had trouble over a much more minor issue. She insisted on bringing sweets for my DCs even after I'd asked her not to. After several weeks of nagging persuasion, she eventually began to bring little boxes of sultanas and raisins which I didn't want but were more acceptable. How minor my problem was compared with yours!

YABU if you want things that don't really matter done your way when you aren't there.

YABU to send him there for free childcare when you can't stand the woman and don't like the way she is with your child.

YANBU to start paying for childcare.

I, too, thought of suggesting that food should be sent with him but, if the clothes in which he goes are not used, I don't think the food will be either. It will probably find its way into the bin.

Why is everyone so concerned with paragraphs? You can all read can't you? How it's set out doesn't matter at all.

She certainly sounds like the MIL from hell but as others have said, she is taking care of your son (presumably for free) so you are going to have to work with her on this unless you can afford or arrange alternative care arrangements.
I wouldn't be happy with this behaviour as she does sound like she thinks the baby belongs to her. Providing his food (a packed lunch) could be an option, and then you give him his evening meal when he comes home. The clothes, I could ignore.
It's your partners mum so i think it's up to him to have a serious talk to her. She needs to know that you want and expect certain things for him (i.e the food he eats.) As for the presents....that is rather bizarre and worrying behaviour. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Because it's really hard to read a computer screen without them. You have to concentrate on each word to stay on the right line which you wouldn't need for a book, or written on paper in front of you.

I really wanted to read it, did try but couldn't. Just looks like a sea of words.

Hi guys, firstly sorry about the paragraph situation its the first time i have written anything like this on a pc...no excuse i know!! I was so angry while typing i got carried away. Thanks for all your advice its been useful to see other peoples views.

The clothes issue i gave up on a while ago when it became apparent that she just would not listen but it has come up again with all the other issues that she dosnt listen to us on. I have told my partner all along that i didnt want mil looking after my son as these arent the only incidents that have occured but he was kinda emotionally blackmailed into keeping sending him there by his nan who his mum kept phoning up and crying down the phone to and then his nan would get upset and put pressure on my partner.

Its been awful and me and my partner have had so many rows over this over the past 2 years that in the end i decided to just try and live with the fact that she will never respect my wishes...and much as i hated it just to stop me and my partner falling out..until now.

My partner believes me over the christmas present issue because i told him when i got home that day what i had said and this was in September, he also seems to think that he also had told her about the present since then and she never mentioned that she had got it for him. I told her what i had got my son so that she wouldnt get him the same as it has happend before with other people had i known the full extent of her weirdness i never would have done this and because it was only me and her there when we had the conversation its my word against hers. She has then obviously gone home to her husband and other son and told them that she was getting him this present as though it was her idea leaving out that i had already got it, so they are getting involved backing her up.

The comment someone made about her thinking he is her son has been made by me time and time again she acts as though we are trying to tell her how to raise her own son.

Me and my partner had a much needed long discussion last night and he has finally agreed that this has got to end he is going to have a word with mil at the weekend before she gets her claws in again and as of next week she will no longer be caring for my son! I have told him to expect lots of tears, tantrums and emotional blackmail on her part in the short term but hopefully in the long run things will work out... i wont hold my breath though got a wedding to get through next!!

Yey! So glad your dp stepped up. Stay strong through her tantrums

I think the only option you have is to stop using her as childcare and put him in a nursery or with a childminder.

For your own sanity!

Great news! I think you are doing the right thing for your son and your family, MIL will get over it, it is not your respeonsibility to provide her with your child to look after. Hopefully she will question her actions and realise that she is a grandma not your son's mummy.

Good luck, stay strong!