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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In helping my 10 yr old Dd deal with this issue with a friend or should I just butt out?

52 replies

QueenieLovesEels · 14/11/2012 11:11

My daughter has formed a friendship with a neighbour's child which I think is toxic.

I walk her daughter to school everyday and collect to help my neighbour out but my daughter is becoming increasingly uncomfortable around the girl.

Her friend has body issues and I believe an eating disorder. She has a very narrow range of foods she will eat and then minuscule amounts of them. She is underweight and fills up on sweets because there is an open cupboard policy in her house. My daughter has asked how she manages to eat so much junk and still be thin and I had to explain about visceral fat. I mentioned how the focus should be on health and that your body should be nourished to enjoy life. It's really horrible though that I should have to go down this route.

She has now started commenting on my daughter's weight as well as other perfectly healthy girls in the class. She seems to have developed a bit of an obsessive interest in my daughter too. She claims they are twins, copies all her work, is constantly trying to come over to play and yet makes derogatory remarks about my daughter's looks and clothes.

My daughter isn't interested in clothes or fashion and finds all that stuff boring. She is interested in the world and experiencing stuff to put it in a nutshell. However, this girl is really starting to get to her and she is uncomfortable with the focus.

This situation has not been helped by the fact my daughter passed a test which she didn't. She has now started telling my daughter that she isn't smart and that she should have passed instead. It's all very wearing.

I know the child is unhappy and have explained this as gently as I can to my child but on the other hand I don't want my daughter experiencing the fallout constantly.

So what would you do? Speak to her mother? Have a chat with the teacher? Make an excuse as to why I can't walk her (hard)? Or just let my child navigate her way around this?

TIA.

OP posts:
steppemum · 14/11/2012 12:06

sorry piglet have I got that wrong way round, I thought you were saying op has problem, but are you saying the neighbours dd has problem?

Original poster
QueenieLovesEels · 14/11/2012 12:12

I haven't lost sight in what is healthy and what isn't.

The child is very focussed on controlling everything she eats and that is now spilling out into trying to control what others eat.

I don't see how somebody who never eats any vegetables or fruit no matter what size they are- can be healthy. Last week she tried her first strawberry ever at mine. I was shocked when she told me.

In my house we have a very relaxed approach to food. Everyone eats a well rounded diet and there are treats but food is mainly fuel and nourishment.

I suppose because it has never been an issue I am finding the focus really unhealthy. I don't want damage done to my daughter's self esteem because of this child's unhappiness.

OP posts:
AlienRefluxovermypoppy · 14/11/2012 12:15

Queenie some kids just won't eat anything!! Really! My6 uncle lived on cereal and benas on toast from about 5 to well into his late teens!!!

Yes, that's all! but all other 5 kids ate normally, and he was Ok health wise.

AlienRefluxovermypoppy · 14/11/2012 12:15

Not my6 Uncle, just Uncle :)

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2012 12:18

She eats what she eats because she's allowed a lot of junk...she's not the first kid to do that and she won't be the last. Hopefully as she grows older her tastes might change and she'll try other more healthy foods.

To be honest, I'd be more worried about her copying your child's work and the fact your child sounds as though she doesn't want to be her friend, but can't find a 'way out'.

I'm not really sure what the answer to that is, unless you encourage her to spend more time with other kids and less time with this girl?

Original poster
QueenieLovesEels · 14/11/2012 12:23

You know if it was just about her dietary choices that would be between her and her mother. Not my business.

However she is making direct and indirect comments to other girls and my daughter about their weight and what they are eating.

She is recounting to my child what she has/hasn't eaten and that it is better to be hungry and thin than fat. This is not about food preferences.

OP posts:
AlienRefluxovermypoppy · 14/11/2012 12:30

She is recounting to my child what she has/hasn't eaten and that it is better to be hungry and thin than fat. This is not about food preferences. That is worrying.

Like others have said, do what you can to help your DD distance herself from this friendship, don't let her come to play at yours,that's definitely something you can do.

try and find a way out of walking to school,what about bilkes? Even if it's just your DD on one, you could say, you walk to fast now she's biking.

And have a word at school, see if they canseperate them further.

I do feel really sorry for the little girl though, is her mother really thin? She's got that opinion from somewhere, where else would a child hear... it's better to be hungry than fat ffs?

TheseGoToEleven · 14/11/2012 12:31

I would be very upset about her undermining my DD's confidence like that, especially at age 10 when they are first starting to be aware of stuff like fashion and what others are wearing. If she has an eating disorder or not, not my business and not my problem frankly, but if my DD is asking me if she is fat because of the sniping little comments then that is my business and my problem, and I would want to limit the contact between the two as much as possible.

YouSeveredHead · 14/11/2012 12:33

Then I think you need to talk to the mum. Just in a she's made these sorts of comments and I thought you'd like to know

MrsMmoo · 14/11/2012 12:40

She could very well have an eating disorder. My eating disorder of 24 years started at 11 and I remember people commenting on my weight from a very young age, 5 even!

If you feel able I would say something to the mother though in all honesty that is probably where the food problems began in one way or another.

AgathaF · 14/11/2012 12:42

Is it worth discussing your worries about the girls diet and attitude to food with their teacher? I assume she eats at school, either school lunch or packed lunch. The school may well be aware that her diet whilst there isn't great, and if they have further concerns pointed out to them, they may choose to discuss it with her parents, or have a class discussion about food/body image etc.

Also, if their teacher knows that there are some problems between your dd and this girl, s/he can monitor things in the school day and intervene if necessary.

Flyonthewindscreen · 14/11/2012 12:50

If you say your DD wants to extricate herself from this friendship which sounds like a very reasonable thing to want given not only the weight comments but all the other behaviour, the copying, etc. then I don't think it is too interfering to support her in that. As other posters have said you can be the bad guy and say she is not allowed over and you can stop walking her to school. I think it would be better to have a conversation with the other girl's mother saying that your DD and hers are not getting on at the moment so no point throwing them together, i.e. non judgemental rather than getting into "Your DD has said and done X" which is bound to lead to the other mother being upset and defensive and unlikely to improve matters.

crazygracieuk · 14/11/2012 13:09

I would intervene.
My dd is 9 and she sometimes comes home from school with fat/thin stuff too.

My dd is tall and slim in an athletic way and has friends who range from tall and overweight to short and underweight. She knows that we love her and that she's the most gorgeous girl in our eyes but friends sometimes make her feel wobbly about it and she needs reassurance. I think that adolescence includes a lot of worrying and I don't want it intensified by making my dd hang out with someone that she clearly doesn't like. I would be making excuses and not taking her dd. it will be awkward for you but better that than the girl sapping your dd's energy.

I worry about the years ahead as I know from experience that many teen girls can be intense about dieting etc. I've already had chats with her about Photoshop to keep her ideas on beauty "real"

Original poster
QueenieLovesEels · 14/11/2012 13:27

I am still unsure what would be the best way forward.

Many thanks to everyone who has helped me in thinking this through.

Thanks
OP posts:
CrapBag · 14/11/2012 13:31

If your DD doesn't want to be friends with her then she should be allowed to distance herself. You may have to step in when answering the door and saying that "x isn't available" or something along those lines. I would also have a rethink on the taking to and picking up from school. Whilst you are doing this your DD won't be able to distance herself from this girl.

Her obsession with weight at this age sounds worrying and I would be worried about it passing on to my child (the concerns and obsession with weight I mean).

valiumredhead · 14/11/2012 13:32

I would butt out but give your dd the opportunity to chat with you if and when she needs to.

You need to give your dd the tools and support with which to walk away from this friendship if she wants to or just take the rough with the smooth.

I envy you walking your dd to school - my ds would die if I suggested that Grin

pigletmania · 14/11/2012 13:36

That's what I mean the other girl really needs help to get to the root of it. Talking about it to that extent is not right

valiumredhead · 14/11/2012 13:38

As hard as it is you have to remember that she isn't your child, you need to focus on boosting your own child's self esteem and making sure she knows about photo shopping and 'fakery' etc.

Dead69Girl · 14/11/2012 13:47

As someone with a eating disorder, to me from what has been said by the OP it sounds like the friend DOES have some issues, it may be a full blown disorder or on the edge of becoming one, either way i think OP a little word with the class teacher would prob be a good thing,

good luck :)

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 14/11/2012 13:48

I don't think you should intervene but I do think you should stop taking and collecting her from school (except for emergencies)

Your dd will have to learn to deal with her but I don't think it's fair to your dd that she is forced to spend everyday twice a day with her

valiumredhead · 14/11/2012 13:52

I agree May

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 14/11/2012 14:42

I agree with you having to stop walking that child to and from school. It may be hard to find an excuse, but do it. The longer you continue doing this, the longer your DD may feel obliged to try to tolerate a relationship that she no longer wants to continue.

The underweight / overweight thing is neither here nor there with respect to how your DD is feeling. Help her end the friendship.

maddening · 14/11/2012 14:56

Does she have older siblings that she might be getting the idea of dieting to lose weight from? Or is her mother a major dieter?

Are there issues at home?

What do you say when she says these things in front of you?

Original poster
QueenieLovesEels · 14/11/2012 17:15

Just older brother. Her Mum does bang on about dieting but is of average build. I don't engage so she has stopped doing this for the main part when I have a conversation with her.

There are issues at home. Parents divorced and she doesn't like her Mum's choice of partner. She wants to live with her dad.

She doesn't say these things in front of me.

OP posts:
lamename · 14/11/2012 17:27

I don't think you can give someone an eating disorder by having one yourself, they're not catching. OTOH 10 is way old enough to be beginning a disease, even if it's not yet full blown, incidentally.

The other girl does sound bad news tho - obsessing about weight is boring, suspect and depressing as well as being unhealthy, and if your DD wants out I would say that's a sign of how sensible she is. The other stuff isn't great either. I would help your DD by enabling her to disengage herself - don't do the difficult conversations yourself, just talk her through them.