To not want anything more to do with my sister?

[ChicMama25]

Maybe this belongs in Relationships but thought this would be more fun. Ok here goes.

My sister is 23. She is the most egotistical narcissistic person I have ever known. She is selfish and completely oblivious to other people's feelings or needs or anything.

Examples: turning up 7 hours late to my housewarming party (9pm for a 2pm BBQ) when she said she would be there at 6pm but then decided to go on an impromptu date with some guy she met at work. Relatives were awkwardly standing around after everyone else had left because they were hoping to see her. I was knackered after hosting the party and she made my mum go and collect her from the tube (10 min walk). She once made me wait 30 mins for her outside the tube station we had agreed to meet at because she hadn't been bothered to text to say she hadn't even got on the train yet. She is a layabout actress and my mum gives her money when she needs it even though my mum is quite poor herself. My dad has a flat in central London which he might have to sell because he is in trouble financially. She could live there and pay minimal rent thereby helping my dad and also herself to save money. But she won't do it because "she needs her own space and all our dads stuff will be there". She invited her friend on holiday to our family holiday house in Italy and just assumed that was fine. She was meant to be going with our aunt and uncle but couldn't be bothered to keep them in the loop when she fucked off to holland for an audition instead. She also invited same friend to my mum's house for christmas which i don't think is appropriate. She had a rant because my mum is moving in with her partner and he ( very lovely guy) jokingly said she wasn't allowed to store more than 3 boxes of stuff in their new house ( his house). She was outraged that she would be expected to keep all her things in her flat in London (my mum is a pushover and wouldn't argue) and was bitching about this to me sighing etc. "most people keep their things at their parents house not their London flats, I'm just renting, poor me etc".

I don't think she is malicious just does not live
in the real world and is totally self obsessed.
I am fed up of listening to her I tried to persuade her about dads flat and I have given up trying to point out other things or express my disappointment eg when she is late (every single time we eat Sunday lunch at mums she is at least 1 hr late cos she oversleeps and she just doesn't think that me and my dd who is 7 are planning to get a specific train back to London so it doesn't get too late). Everything you tell her she responds with an affected "omg! That's sooooo ...." Etc. if I criticise her she cries.

I can't be arsed with her anymore and am employing avoidance tactics. We are not going to my mums for Xmas we are staying home the 3 of us - partly cos of her. I have given up on trying to help her not be such a whiny entitled little bitch. She is an embarrassment to me. AIBU?

She sounds incredibly annoying and selfcentred, but do think about how you are all enabling her... She didn't 'make' your mum go and get her from the tube, presumably she asked your mum to, and your mum chose to go. Similarly she doesn't 'make' you wait for her - you choose to. Get tough with her

Go for it.

But stay calm, and have a LIST of things she has done which is completely incontrovertible. Otherwise she will deny, deny, deny.

Thanks for all your answers and helpful perspective. Will have a word with her ... Dreading it!

chic oh yes I sooo remember no one being allowed to critisise, all family members to scared of the fall out. If only all your family members were on the same page she would be much less of a brat!

Thanks .. Maybe I should speak to my mum first as well.

My sister was similar, at a similar age. We get along great now. For a while I had little hope of ever having a positive and reliable relationship.

But my sister needed to hear some harsh but honest words from me about her behaviour... just as I needed to hear some harsh but honest words from her about my behaviour... in order for us both to gradually change for the better.

I don't think this is worth cutting your sister off for good, but I do think she needs to start being repeatedly challenged (despite the inevitable fireworks that will cause), because that's the only opportunity it appears she will get in her life to reflect on her behaviour.

And you need to stop tolerating her behaviour - e.g., going out for lunch, if she's not there within 15 minutes of the start time without giving you a good reason, leave. If she's 7 hours late for the party, end the party and tell her it's over when she comes to the door. THAT will give her incentive to change.

'every single time we eat Sunday lunch at mums she is at least 1 hr late'

If I were your mum, I would eat Sunday lunch at the time that was arranged and just put some aside for your sister.

If I were you, I would leave at a reasonable time, even if that time meant getting home early enough to have lunch. Telling your mum beforehand.

All of you are dancing to your sister's tune. If you don't like doing it, change your behaviour. It's the only thing you have control over.

"'every single time we eat Sunday lunch at mums she is at least 1 hr late'"

See I don´t get why your mum puts up with that because it´s just rude imo.

OK, sometimes a meal can wait a few minutes before it needs serving.

But I´d be pissed off that waiting for ignorant/thoughtless/ditzy/luvvy sister was more important that looking to me & GC who had bothered to be there on time & would be inconvenienced by waiting.

Just avoid her as much as possible, and say no to her requests. It's up to your parents to stand up to them, she sounds very needy and selfish

Is ask your mum if you can have Sunday lunch at the time arranged (and not wait for dsis) before you go. If she says no, then don't go. I think your mum needs to remember she has 2 children, and not spoil the needier one. Your mum can choose whether she wants to talk to your sister about being constantly late (maybe she doesn't want to eat a big meal for lunch and would be happy to arrive after you have all eaten). Or you could invite your mum and sister to yours for Sunday lunch! (Serving those who turn up on time).

With Happy 100% on this one.

I think she is behaving badly, but I would never suggest cutting a relative out, unless it was much more serious

I think you have got to stop accomodating her. Your parents will have to work out their own relationship particulary around money and horrid as it may seem, you need to butt out. If you act as a buffer between her and your parents then they can continue to accomodate. If you start to take a stand, then they may follow suit, relieved to see that ther is another way.

For example, if you arrange to meet, say to her in advance, that is lovely, see you at x o'clock. By the way, my timing is a bit tight (no need to give any more reason than that) so if you are running late please text me. Then give yourself a time limit. If she is more than 30 minutes late, leave. Text her and say sorry, you are 30 minutes late I can't wait any longer, gone home, see you soon xxx.

Sunday lunch, say gently to mum that you need to eat by x o'clock as you and dd need train, could she serve at x o'clock and then dsis can heat hers up when she arrives? I would make x o'clock about 1 hour before really needed too! Then leave at appointed time, even if you haven't eaten. Explain it nicely and clearly to mum what you are doing.

But the most important thing is to not respond to the tantrums and fireworks that follow when she is unreasonable. Be a broken record, nice but umoving 'sorry we missed the film, you were late. We can do it again another time' over and over and over

My mums sister has been like this her whole life, it was so much easier when we all stopped trying to accomodate her!

You paint this picture of her as the ditzy drama llama and you as the sensible, responsible one, but to me it looks like you're both taking part in the same drama playing different characters TBH ("She is an embarrassment to me" etc). She's clearly a whiny, spoiled brat, but you sound like you're grimly revelling in being wound up by her.

I suspect you're just (understandably) jealous of her being so indulged, and angry with your parents for doing it, and you're transferring it all onto her. And now you're going to give her a good telling off about it, after which she will get all dramatic and histrionic and you will get all angry and self-righteous. And so it will go on.

An emotionally healthy thing to do would be to calmly stop tolerating her behaviour, stop looking for ways to dislike her, keep your nose out of other people's financial affairs and remain (inwardly and outwardly) sweet reason when faced with inexplicable behaviour from her or your parents. You can't change any of them, they are adults. You can only look after your own wellbeing.

I agree with Mulled.

Your first sentence "Maybe this belongs in Relationships but thought this would be more fun" said more to me than the entire post. You obviously enjoy the attention you get from recounting your sister's misdeeds.

You won't break off all contact at all because you want to be involved, if only to give you something to talk about with family and friends.

I second that your dad's finances are nothing to do with your sister. She has a perfectly good flat you say, so why should she move to your father's pad? If he has all his things there then where does she put her stuff? And what if he wanted it back at some point? She is not responsible for your father's debts and neither are you. I'm sure your dad could get a premium rent for a flat in London - or is he still living there and you expected her to share? Which is more unacceptable tbh.

I have a sister who is also always late. She turned up halfway through my wedding and halfway through my christening. That's just the way she is, she finds it hard to organise everyone including herself and she lacks the confidence to make that final decision to just go, I think she hopes someone else will organise themselves into action and she can tag along. The way I deal with it now is to give her a time that is around an hour earlier than the actual time. This has worked pretty well so far!

Of course if she is hours late, then why do you all wait around for her? She obviously knows that everyone is waiting and perhaps she likes to have this control over everyone. But you all allow her that control. You could just have easily bid everyone goodnight and shut the house up. That would have sent her a clear message that no-one is prepared to wait around for her.

As for holidays, I'm sure if she made arrangements with your auntie and uncle then that is their business and not yours. I assume they could have contacted her to find out what was going on?

And for Christmas - well where is your Christmas spirit? So she made the cardinal sin of inviting a friend for Christmas Dinner! If the friend accepted then does that not tell you that the friend had no better plan? Do you think her friend would have chosen to spend Christmas with a strange family over his/her own family and friends?

I don't think you bother to understand your sister, you have just written her off as a layabout and a source of gossip. It's a shame.

You don't have to cut her out, as someone pointed out family gatherings could be awkward etc.

I would simply avoid as much as possible, if she is invited, don't wait around. Get on with it and if she turns up late bleating, just say "well we did say this time" and tough shit if she has missed out.

I don't have time for people like this. Just don't make plans with her if she is that flakey.

Don't get involved with her and your parents. Change the subject if she bleats on, if she cries over something ridiculous, find an excuse to leave.

Agree with rhubarb.

My sister is the same as this - selfish, immature, self-aggrandising; and shes 54!

SHe's always late, at least 1 hour. If she turns up for lunch, she's usual 'eaten at Morrisons'. If not, then she moans that the food is gone/cold. I phoned her to say I was on my way down, once, and by the time I'd got there (2 hours drive) she'd gone out. (mushrooming!)

I've stopped seeing her altogether. There is more too it in my case, but yes I can see your POV, OP.

You make a fair point Captain....but I really don't see how you are agreeing with Rhubarb

Rhubarb - I've already explained further above about my dads place. Also, I don't think that being consistently late is excusable. At all. It is just rude and means you thought something else was more important. My sister definitely does not have confidence issues! Re Xmas - it's not that she invited her friend per se. She just doesn't think to ask family if they are ok with stuff before she does it. Admittedly I did post the initial sentence in a lighthearted way to poke fun cos basically yeah I think she is ridiculous. But I am deeply sad we can no longer enjoy family occasions together and I don't like being around her as she is a "sucker" of energy and just talks about herself the whole time.

I didn't say she had confidence issues, I said she likes to be in control and have you all fawn over her, which you do.

This doesn't have to be so black and white. You could just stop waiting for her or making arrangements around her. If family insist on doing that, it's their lookout. If you have to leave before she arrives then do so. What other family members do is up to them. They obviously have more patience for her than you do.

Course if you really don't like her then you are under no obligation to be with her. It just makes it awkward for your extended family that's all and you seem to be quite concerned about the effect she has on them so I'm sure you wouldn't want to deepen the crisis even more by throwing your toys out of the pram.

Living at your dad's place would be mutually beneficial, imo - he would get help with his financial situation (not that that is her responsibility) and she would, presumeably, get somewhere cheaper to live than the flat she is currently in, which would help her finances and might mean she asked for less money from your mum.

Exactly. I don't want to throw my toys out of the pram. But I did want to have a rant about it on mumsnet

I will be having a quiet word with her though on how her being late affects us and also ask my mum to stop indulging her on that front ie no longer waiting for her with the meal etc. I've never got pissed off about my mum giving her money in itself as I know that I don't need that type of support but what I do need is people to be reliable so I can sort my crazy busy schedule. I guess because she doesn't live the type of life I do she does not empathise or understand why these things are a big deal. But yeah she is just really fucking annoying.

Look, it might make financial sense for her to live at your dad's place but I can see why she doesn't want to.

It's full of his stuff.
He presumably does come back from time to time.
She won't have any room for her stuff.
It's not 'her' place, it doesn't reflect her taste or character.

If your mum helps her out that is her prerogative. You have no right to say who your mum does and doesn't give money to. Presumably your sister would not object to your mum helping you out on occasion?

Her being late seems to affect you much more than the rest of your family who seem to have just accepted her lateness. By all means have a word with her and tell her that it's out of order for her to leave people waiting and change plans without telling others, but ultimately if they are prepared to accept her for who she is then you have to be prepared to accept this too.

When you are single and childless you do tend to think that life revolves around you and not the other way around. Plans often overlap, you double book dates and because you don't have to be organised, you often aren't. She may not deliberately intend to be so late, but she could be easily distracted and perhaps thinks that everyone else is ok because they all have someone to be with whereas she is on her own.

And in these days of electronic communication devices, I cannot believe that none of you could send her a text, email her or even call her to find out where she is and why she's late.

Try giving her a deadline next time. Say that if she doesn't turn up by such a time, then you will be off home and she'll miss you. You can encourage others to do the same but ultimately if you have a problem with your sister, you can't really expect others to share that problem and back you up on it.

"Accept her for who she is"? Seriously? She is a rude entitled brat then? hope that isn't really "who she is" hence this post hoping there is some way to get her to see what her behaviour is actually like. don't have to accept it!

There is never a good reason for being late and yes we do text but why should I waste my time waiting for her and why should my family?

Do you really know who she is? Sounds to me like you've already judged her.

It also sounds as though you are the only one with the problem here. Yes it is rude being late but you don't mention other family members jumping up and down with rage. If it puts you out then just don't wait for her. No-one is forcing you to. If she wants to see you she'll just have to make the effort herself won't she?

Sometimes just by changing our own attitudes we can change the way we feel about other people and also the way they view us. So stop waiting for her, stop allowing her to affect your life, stop being so bothered by what she does and doesn't do and turn your energies towards your own life and achieving your own goals.

She sounds very spoilt and immature and if you have the sort of relationship with her that you can talk it through with her, then that's what i would do. However she sounds like maybe that would just send her into a hissy fit and make you out to be the bad one. She can only get away with the type of behaviour that you describe because the people around her let her and don't tell her how out of order she is. Maybe write it down in a letter. Explain that you still love her and miss the good things about being her sister. Hopefully she will eventually grow up enough for you to have a good relationship again.