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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or was this women rude to respond like this?

47 replies

laanndaaannanny · 13/11/2012 12:41

Was rushing to catch the train to take children to school this morning and didn't have time to use the old slow lift, so thought we'd go for the stairs. As people will generally offer to help with buggy. Got up with the help of a lovely man but when I needed to go down the other side no one offered to help. So I asked a lady if she could please help me lift the front of the push chair down. She looked horrified at m and then said no wonder know ones helping you if you've got that attitude. I didn't know what to say and so just said sorry? I said please. She said yes but I was obviously assuming people would help me which was very rude of me. I had to children with me do just bumped the buggy down the stairs instead. But aibu to think this was rude of her not me?

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/11/2012 14:44

I would have been taken aback at "can you just..." in all honesty. It isn't the politest way to phrase the question and does give the entire sentence an exasperated tone.

But I would have helped you nonetheless.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 13/11/2012 14:49

That is a weird one OP - she was being rude in response to a reasonable request - but some people take offence at being asked to help, as if asking in itself is an outrageous cheek - some people enjoy taking offence.

I would say forget and move on, but I had a weird interaction with a woman last week and it is still bothering me slightly, so I know how you feel. I was at a crossing near my local train station. Loaded down with weighty shopping bags and pondering whether to cross at the lights or further up the road. A little bit distracted and tired after a morning in the 'big town' So although I vaguely registered the woman on a motability scooter on the other side of the road, I paid little attention. I had also not realised that the button at the crossing had not been pushed, so it was a couple of minutes before I woke up and realised I needed to push it. When the lights changed we crossed and as the woman passed me in the middle of the road she said "Thank you" in a loud sarcastic tone which sounded very much like 'f**k you' to me, presumably because I had not pushed the button quickly enough - it was clear, when I crossed to the other side, that the pavement there was steeply inclined so perhaps the scooter user could not get to the button easily. I was guilty of being distracted but I was not deliberately delaying her (and my!) crossing...
Theres nowt so strange as folk!

OTheHugeManatee · 13/11/2012 14:49

I think the words you say you used could easily come across as rude. The phrasing sounds more like an order than a polite request - it only takes the wrong tone of voice to make it a very peremptory demand and the fact you said 'please' in no way changes that.

JazzAnnNonMouse · 13/11/2012 15:22

Yanbu but plenty of people will make excuses for her.
She mightve had wooden arms and legs after all

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 13/11/2012 15:59

YWBU
You chose to have children
You chose not to wait for the lift
You chose to take the stairs
You chose to rely on others, who may or may not be busy/have health problems/not want to get dirty/hate kids/see you as entitled etc. etc. since you couldn't manage the stairs yourself

You chose to think since a person, who has no obligation to help you esp. when you could have used the lift , didn't help you that that person is rude.

Yes, helping others is nice but you should never expect that just because you have children that others will suddenly rush to help you -> Learned from experience

Whatnowffs · 13/11/2012 16:02

I read an article in the newspaper today that "being nice" not only costs nothing, but it boosts the immune system and generally makes you feel better about yourself. That woman at the train station is probably having a really shitty day now. Had she on the other hand, OFFERED to help or helped graciously, with a smile - she would be having a much better day now. Gotta love Karma :)

CrapBag · 13/11/2012 16:07

YANBU to ask for help but you did go the way you did on the assumption that you would get it so overall YABU. You should have just used the lift.

She didn't need to be so snotty with her reply though and she was rude.

My DS's school have loads of steps. There is no access for prams at all. I was bumping my pram (which I don't actually see the huge deal with doing that so why couldn't you just do that in the first place?). I don't expect people to help and most don't offer it. I have now found it wasier to leave it at the bottom and just take DD out instead.

I have M.E. and I would have hated it if someone had asked me this as I would struggle to help but I wouldn't be laying out my medical history as to why I couldn't help.

joanbyers · 13/11/2012 16:14

I think you are being presumptuous tbh. If your child cannot get out of the pushchair and walk, it would make sense to use the lift.

itsatrap · 13/11/2012 16:35

Blimey,if someone asked me for help, rude or otherwise, I wouldn't think twice about helping if I was able!

FeckOffCup · 13/11/2012 16:47

I don't really think either of you were unreasonable, you asked politely but she could have had her reasons not to want to lift a heavy pushchair that she didn't want to share with you e.g health problems, early pregnancy, just unfortunate really that she didn't help you but she was under no obligation.

TerrorNotSoFrightened · 13/11/2012 17:09

YANBU
What is wrong with the world when you can't ask someone for help?

If she had health reasons for not wanting to help she could have politely declined instead of giving you a hard time about it.

midseasonsale · 13/11/2012 19:39

I think her actions say a lot about her and less about the situation.

InNeedOfBrandy · 13/11/2012 19:43

TBH OP I would and did bump the buggy down the stairs, you can pull it up the stairs quite easily to if you walk up backwards.

If I was someone on the stairs with a buggy I would offer to help and if you asked me I would help, but you shouldn't of presumed to rely on someone else when there was a lift for you to use.

TwitchyTail · 13/11/2012 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ticktockcroc · 13/11/2012 20:15

"can you just" is quite a rude way to ask a ccomplete stranger a favour, imo. I also would have taken the "excuse me I'm so sorry but would you mind..." approach.I think your tone was presumptuous. Especially since it sounds as though you managed fine without any assistance anyway.

I would have skipped the lift though too if I were running late so don't think you wbu to do that.

trixie123 · 13/11/2012 20:24

why is it that if someone posts about not being offered a seat or getting an offer of help, they get told "you should have asked, its not hard" and then when someone does ask, they get told they are presumptuous and rude? The fact that the OP was late and therefore didn't take the lift is irrelevant. She may or may not have phrased and toned her request exactly right but I hate the fact that some of the responses on here suggest it is unreasonable to expect any help at any time - its been done on here so often but these threads usually end up with posters boiling it down to "you chose to have kids, go on a journey etc, if you can't do it alone, don't go" which I think is awful. I'd like to live in a society where it might not be an unreasonable expectation to get a little help. If someone is unable to help when asked directly, they can easily say so without having a go at the asker.

InNeedOfBrandy · 13/11/2012 20:27

No she didn't need help though, she had help in the form of a lift and didn't want to use it. It wasn't anybodys fault but OPs that she was late either. I am actually not a bitch even though this post makes me sound like I am

SundaeGirl · 13/11/2012 20:32

Sorry I think you sound rude - 'Can you..?' in a tired and exasperated tone would have bombed with me too.

Of course, if you were all charm and smiles YANBU.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember · 13/11/2012 20:36

No, she was late because the bus was late, it wasn't her fault.

If the woman had said "no, I don't want to help", then that's fine. If the op posted "this woman refused to help, aibu to be annoyed with her?" then the op would be unreasonable.

It is unreasonable to expect help. It is not unreasonable to ask for it.

Just as it is reasonable to refuse. And also reasonable to help.

In this particular case, however, the woman who refused to help was rude. And there is never an excuse for being so rude, which makes her unreasonable.

LookBehindYou · 13/11/2012 20:45

I would not have been impressed at 'can you just' and the woman herself might have been in a rush for the same train. I would have helped carry the pram down but only for the baby's safety. You shouldn't make a decision based on the assumption that a random stranger will help.

EllenParsons · 13/11/2012 21:36

Sorry op but I do think you come across a bit rude in this situation. Yes the woman was rude too... But I would not be impressed at someone asking me for help with buggy like that when there is a lift! Most people at stations are in a rush so I do think it's quite presumptuous to ask them to do something, unless you are very humble and polite about it, and accept that they may not have time. It does sound like you just expected the help.

whois · 13/11/2012 23:47

whois If she had a bad back, couldn't walk, had leprosy or what ever such shit, she would have said wouldn't she? No, sorry dear my arms could well fall off if I lift your buggy.

Nah, yesterday morning of someone had asked me to help them carry a buggy I would have been annoyed and would have said no. I wouldn't have listed out that I was feeling like crap, was in a bad mood, in a restrictive work skirt!

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