To not want BIL to stay almost whole weekend with us?

[Misty9]

BIL lives fairly local to us (1/2 hr train ride as he doesn't have a car) and is currently (unhappily) single. He and hubby are fairly close and often play ps3 remotely together.

A few weeks ago BIL arranged to come stay on Saturday evening until Sunday, so he could see ds (14 mths). In the end, he turned up sat afternoon and stayed until Monday . It was pretty obvious he'd outstayed his welcome by this point and we all felt pretty uncomfortable come Sunday evening.

So...he's asked to come stay this weekend, same thing sat evening until Monday (when he'd head off to work 6am). I've said no and hubby invited him for Sunday but BIL replied that he's in town sat afternoon and it would be a pain to go all the way home and come back Sunday.

Our weekends are precious as, although dh works from home, he really does work so we don't get much time together until 5pm then ds goes to bed at 6.30pm. AIBU to not want 2 of the 3 weekend evenings taken over by BIL? Last time he was here he spent most the time sat on sofa on his phone (texting and playing games - he's 32 btw) and barely lifted a finger...also eating us out of house and home. He played with ds for maybe half an hour too - when I asked him to occupy him

We do get on ok, and my own family live about 4-5hr car journey which I'm not thrilled about. If you're local surely a visit only need be a few hours, at most?!

Oops cross posted with you OP. you seem to be working away at this constructively :)

Actually, Misty, he might be really happy to be told to muck in and do something rather than sit around feeling spare. I'd give it a go next time he's round.

OP you are def NBU!

Half an hour on the train is absolutely local, he doesn't need to be staying over. Yes he sounds lonely and in need of company but it also sounds like he's quite lost.
I can understand why this can cause strain at home- guests who overstay their welcome do just that, even if they are family or close friends.
He sounds like he needs to get more of a social life on the go...

I guess I just really don't get why he needs to stay the night, let alone two. It's not like we have a spare room or anything.

Anyway, I'm starting to think I am BU and gonna tell him he's welcome to come sat evening and stay til Sunday. And I will be a bit braver about asking him to muck in! Or I might go out myself and leave the boys to it....

If, as you said, he's 'currently (unhappily) single' he might be yearning for some togetherness - and your family unit is the most attractive weekend for that.

So asking him to muck in might actually make him feel better about life. More like a family etc.

PS - think of something for him to do when he gets to you. Any painting or DIY/gardening that needs doing?

YANBU to chafe at Sunday evening too - Sunday evenings are private family time IMO and I would never dream of inviting myself into another family during that time. You thank your hosts, pack up after Sunday breakfast and make yourself scarce unless they absolutely insist on your staying for lunch, in which case you buy wine, make yourself useful, do the washing up and clear off by teatime.

However he's clearly lonely and now and then won't kill you all, especially as you and your DH actually have loads of time together by the standards of many commuting couples.

IMO you and your DH need to agree a united front on getting your BIL to muck in. Basically if he's lonely enough to presume on his close blood ties to insert himself into your cosy family Sunday then he gets treated as a member of the family. And that means no ceremony, no being waited on, he does a stint keeping an eye on the baby, chips in to buy and bloody well does the washing up.

My guess is now you have told him you will go there he feels unwelcome (because he is).

I think you going out for 1 night is a great idea.

Poor sod must be feeling really alone to ask to come to you. I'd never ask my sister why and I'd have her no questions asked as long as she wanted.

You have loads of time together - my husband is gone by 6.30 home mid evening and works weekends.

Good point cozie - unfortunately we live in rented so no DIY etc and the garden could do with some attention but the lawn mower's bust... Might get it fixed for the weekend and get him to do the lawn (god knows dh hates it!)

zombies if only it meant free childcare... Might start training him up though :)

I'm liking my idea of going out to get some time to myself though. What to do with time to myself...

Thinking about it, I'd take it as a compliment that he wants to come. Do what others have suggested and get him to muck in, washing up, making beds, the odd bit of vacuum cleaning or, as another said, mend something or paint the fence round the garden and certainly bring a contribution towards food, drink etc.

OP posted while I was typing mine.

Could it be that his housemate has people over for the weekends he comes to you and he has to make himself scarce?

There you go, Misty. Borrow a strimmer or mower or whatever and get him to tidy the garden for its winter break. I'll lay you money that he thoroughly enjoys it.

I think YABU. As long as it isn't every weekend then what is the harm in him staying over. Let him stay for two nights and take advantage of having a babysitter one night, or let the brothers go out for a few drinks together, or let them stay in and you have a girly night out. On the Sunday you could have a nice day all together - chuck him the rubber gloves and tell him he's not a guest, he's family, so get the washing up done. Make sure you laugh when you say it so he doesn't feel unwelcome at your house. If you treat him like family, rather than a guest you will both feel more comfortable and able to relax and not feel you have to wait on him. It doesn't have to be 2 nights every time he comes but what's the harm as long as you don't all just around the house for two days! I'm not surprised he drove you mad if that's all you all did for 2 days.

You say he didn't spend much time interacting with the your children but perhaps he just felt good being around you all. You need to try and encourage their relationship. Wouldn't it be lovely for your child to have a good r/ship with his Uncle.

My Mum lives about 45-60 min drive away from me depending on traffic and sometimes we will go to visit for a couple of hours but often we will stay overnight. It's much nicer being able to settle, perhaps with a glass of wine, knowing that we don't have to drive home in the evening.

YABU

and miserable, and self-absorbed.

One of my brothers is unhappily single atm due to his marriage breaking down. He has an open invitation here, to stay or not (he only lives a 25 minute train ride away).
He hasn't said in so many, but I know he is very grateful to be able to come here and have some company, some normality and a distraction from his sadness.

Thank fuck my DH isn't as much of a selfish arse as you OP, or plenty of other people on this thread.

To be honest, I would never expect a guest that stays with us for less than 2 days to "help in the house" with washing, making beds, laundry, etc. And I would not consider unreasonable for my or my DP's siblings to want to stay with us for a couple of weekends... By the way the OP is describing the situation, one would think he is staying for weeks!

Sorry, I think you're being U.

I think it is sad that you feel like this about your husband's brother. People often get asked on this forum whether they have RL support if they are struggling with something in their lives. Your family is your BIL's real life support and if he is going through a lonely time a few weekends with you might be just what he needs. Your husband or child might need him in turn some day. Of course you can get him to muck in, that might help him feel he is part of your family too.

I'd give anything to have my brother come visit a whole weekend. Family is precious (not just immediate) you never know what you have till its snatched away from you.

YABVVU.

He is lonely and wants to spend itme with his family.

Just imagine one YOUR adult DC getting this treatment sometime in the future when they are vulnerable after a break-up and you're not around to look after them . Think about your poor lonely child being pushed away from their sibling's family by a horrid selfish DIL .......

Ah don't be mean.

He probably wants to come and eat you out of house and home again as your food is better (easier and cheaper to him at least!) than the stuff that he would have to sort out for himself if he was at home...

YANBU! I think it is fair enough if it is once in a blue moon but I wouldn't want it to be a regular thing in our house. Especially because it is so hard fitting in family time during a normal week.

Ah they are brothers my 3 boys like to spend time together too playing games and ignoring each other albeit.
I do see your point I feel like this when pil descend for the weekend and my dh works s lot of them so very precious. Recently I have been using them being here to go out with dd1 or my friends for the evening leaving dh to entertain them I don't feel so bad about it then

Poor guy does sound quite lonely, but I'd probably feel the same as you. I like having time just us.

And half an hour is definitely a local journey time.

tell him if he is staying, he needs to food shop in order for him to cook/prepare the main meal.

half an hour is local. if he wants to stay tell him to come Sunday for one night.

Yanbu. Why can't he simply just pop in for a cuppa on his way home on the Saturday then go home??..