WWYD - teenagers and footballs in the garden

[brdgrl]

DSS is 15.

He enjoys playing football. He also enjoys kicking the football against the side of the house, as practice. He started being interested (played when he ws younger but has a renewed interest now) this past summer, and was kicking the ball loudly against the front door, the wall under toddler DD's window when she was sleeping, and around my beloved rosebush. I got fed up when he knocked a slate off the porch steps, and finally told him and (mostly) DH off about it. Since then he mostly plays in the back garden.

About a week after my telling off, DH was painting some shelves in the back garden; DSS hit a can of paint thinner with the football and it went all over DH's face and clothes. Luckily, he wasn't blinded! His clothes were ruined and he (DH!) had a lot of clean-up to do.

About a month ago, I was having lunch with DD(2), and he was in the garden kicking the ball around. It hit the kitchen window (opposite me and beside DD) with considerable force, but it did not break. I was angry, and let DH know it. When DH spoke to DSS about it, DSS denied having hit the window, and DH took his word for it. Then I pointed out to DH the perfect 'muddy football' impression smack in the middle of the window. DSS continues to deny that he ever hit the window, and (in a rather ugly row) insisted that he is too talented and has too much control over the ball to accidentally hit a window.

Today, he was outside again, playing ball. When he came in, he told DH (I'm not sure if he volunteered this info, or if DH asked) that he had been careful not to hit any windows. However, when I went to do the laundry, there it was - another football impression, on the window of the utility room this time. DH spoke to him - he said he meant that he'd been careful not to hit the kitchen window. DH told him to clean the mark off the window. He griped about that - he was going to be late to meet his friends, the rain would wash it off anyway (it doesn't).

So. It is my position that ball privileges should be revoked. A small child kicking a ball against a house might be one thing, but a 6' tall, strong, teenager kicking it with force is another. We rent the house, and the various chips, loose slates, etc, are not improving the look of the place, and I feel we are not taking proper care of the property. No windows have broken yet, it is true, but if one did - as when I was eating lunch right in front of it with DD - someone could be hurt. DH could already have been seriously injured through DSS's carelessness with the ball. And DSS has lied - repeatedly - about hitting the windows. These are also only the incidents we know about. Just getting him to clean up the windows every time he hits one and it leaves evidence is not good enough, in my opinion.

We do live near both playing fields and park lands, so it would be possible for DSS to practice his ball skills nearby.

I wonder if other parents would let their son carry on, or would have put an end to it long ago. I've told DH I am going to ask on here.

my ds is 9 and needs to kick a ball around to release pent up energy, it is a really good wind down.
We have a long garden and have agreed places to play, away from my more precious plants, but kicking against a wall is more fun

I think you need to sit down as a family and make some ball rules. I would work it out with dh first. If you decide no football in the garden then that is the way it is. But it must be joint decision.

We have a large grass field about 1/2 mile away, and ds is allowed to go there, with a friend, to play football. this saves my garden and gives him the kick around he needs. (with actual goals too!)

On the one hand he is 15, and should be able to respect your garden. On the other hand he is 15, bored, wants to kick about, needs to be physical (many boys really do need this) and has no where to do it. Forbidding him without coming up wiht an alternative is going to make hime feel alienated in his home.

Can you find a space he can go that is safe and not far away? Can you send him to football club? Can you make some house/garden rules that are reasonable and that he can keep and still play? (just re-read and seen you do have playing fields)

While it is your garden, it is his space and home too. I can imagine ds at this age feeling very hemmed in if he wasn't allowed to play somewhere. Can you use it as a point of building responsibility? If we can trust you to go down to the football pitch, then you can....

On the other hand, I might prefer tot know where he is and what he is doing!!

And my dds have to learn that playing next to ds when he is playing football means they will get squashed. They have to take turns in the garden.

He is lying because he knows you will be cross. Not an excuse but indicative maybe of what is going on between you?

Thanks, squeaky.

wow thread moved on while I was typing, and I missed lots of new info. No criticism here of you or of him being dss, and lots of the thigns I said have been addressed - ignore my post

get together with dh and work out the rules.

Look just tell him he can't kick the ball in the garden. Confiscate the blooming ball if you have to. Encourage him to play in the park with friends & perhaps have a conversation with him to work out why he is so bored.

By the way - swearing at Mrs is out of order. You asked for people's opinions - no need to be offensive because you don't agree with her view

Mrscan'tsay what ridiculous conclusions to jump to!

I appreciate the point that he needs a place to play and a way to let off steam. I really don't want to discourage him from playing, but it isn't working to let him carry on as it is. And I must say again - besides being in the club, he has nearby places where he could play.

I should maybe point out that what is typical is not that DSS is hanging around the house bored, then gets up and goes out to play ball...it is more frequently happening when he is coming home form elsewhere. He will walk the dog, or go into town with friends, or come home from school, and when he gets to our yard, he gets the ball from the back porch (or wherever he's left it last time) and simply starts kicking it around, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for as much as an hour. He's usually still in his school uniform! But it isn't as though it is a planned activity, IYSWIM, more a spontaneous thing. Which means that if I said to him "Why don't you go down to the fields?", he would say he didn't have time, was too tired, couldn't be bothered, only wanted to play for fifteen minutes, etc.
It also means it is not reasonable, possible, or even desired, for my DH to drop whatever he's doing and run out to play with him.

Thanks, steppemum.

Sorry, tiggytape. I don't think I was drip-feeding, but it is hard to know what conclusions people will jump to and fend them off accordingly.

The 'doing things with friends' is a problem because his school friends don't live in the neighbourhood; he goes to a school in another town (which was the case for years before I came along; it is the same school his older sister attends and they have never lived within walking distance of it; neither do many of the other kids, so it isn't a situation where they all can just drop by and visit casually). We have been talking to him about ways he could get out more, and are happy to help with that, but he is really unwilling to make any efforts himself (eg, won't text the guys to arrange things, doesn't hang out after school although we'd be fine with that, won't initiate things with his friends) and he is too old for us to actually arrange 'playdates' for him anymore. Believe me, I know this is a real problem, and he is struggling a bit with his friendships at the moment - girl problems, cliques at school, best friend who has a new group of besties - that sort of thing. When he wanted to join a club, I had hoped he'd join one nearby so that he'd meet kids who lived in the area, but he (and I understand this!) only wanted to join the one that he knew kids at already, so the club is far away too.

Anyway, thanks everyone for the input.

You could try telling him that when he breaks the window he will be responsible for paying for it to be replaced. Give him a rough expensive idea of how much that would be, and ask him how he will fund it. If he gets pocket money, that would be stopped, fees for his football club wouldn't be affordable etc etc, whatever works for you, to remind him that he is responsible and there are consequences for, his behaviour now he is growing up. Emphasise the growing up bit too, he is old enough to take responsibility for his actions over things like this.

unless you have a garden the size of wembly 15 is too old to be booting a ball around the garden, tell him to go to the park & kick till his hearts conte

I don't care how bored he is, if he'd repeatedly lied to me, injured my dh and caused damage to the property, he'd be getting a right bollocking his footballs would be mysteriously disappearing.

What mymatemax said.

No football in the garden, simples.

It sounds like you are making every effort to keep him happy, and he is being a typical teenager, a bit lazy and doesn't want to put a lot of effort in himself.

My seven year olds aren't allowed footballs in the garden, or bikes. They are old enough now to take their football or bike to the park (with their older siblings). Once they were old enough to play such games outside of the house, it isn't necessary for them to do it in the garden, and we put a stop to it. We have free ranging rabbits anyway, so it was a rule we had to implement to stop the rabbits ending up squashed!

But how vcan he play in the park by himself (remember he doesn't have friends living nearby.) Is he just supposed to kick the ball and run after it.
When my brothers were young they used to have some cardboard they would put up at the windows held in plavce with a clothes prop
Have a rule that he has to bring in any washing i the way first.I think you are going to have to compromise on your precious rose bushes.Kids are more important than flowers.
And no it is normal in every family I know for everyone there to sit down to lunch together

My boys (14 and 12) don't play in the garden since they churned up all the grass. They now play football on the trampoline (net keeps the ball in play, they can dive and not hurt themselves).

Sounds like DSS is getting his fill of football anyway, so kicking the ball against the wall isn't being done to hone his skills. What about buying him a table tennis table? - one of the ones that folds in half so you can effectively play on your own, a bit like hitting the (very much smaller) ping pong ball against a wall.

socharlotte if he goes to the park with his football then there is a 99% chance he will met and make some friends that live nearby. Solving 2 problems at once as he will have local friends and op wont have broken windows.

YANBU to want to ban the ball!! The house I grew up in had a house opposite with 4 boys, they used too play football on the road and use our gates as a goal post. The constant bashing of the ball against it eventually pulled the gate off the hinges. Of course no money was forthcoming from the parents to fix it when that happened!!

Their mother actually told my mum she did not let them play in the back garden because the ball would wreck it, and they could not go to the field because the poor darlings were scared of the 'bigger boys'. So our gate was just collateral damage!! Unless you put a stop to it, your windows will be the same. BTW, I don't think there is anything too terrible about a teenager being bored sometime- it is their default setting. It does not make you a bad parent!!

Just get him a small practice ball. They are great for building ball skills and at half the size of a real ball do much less damage.

Worth a try?

ds1 is 12 & takes the ball to the park on his own, I assume he's playing in the garden by himself?
If youve ever seen how much power is behind a 15 yr old booting a football then the OP is lucky to ahve any windows left, given that the he isnt showing much regard for the garden, property or indeed his father.

Maybe the dad can go to the park & have a kick around with him.

Thanks you all very much for the responses! I'm going to share with DH and talk over the options and the suggestions here.

Have you considered your neighbours in this? I bet they just love hearing that ball hit off a solid surface night after night.

get him a footbag ( hacky sack) for christmas. smaller and does less damage. good for fine ball control skills.

Yes to footbag - my 4DSs had one and it is really good for ball skills - you could sell it to him this way. I really sympathise, all 4 of mine have a natural reflex to kick any ball in their paths. They have broken every ornament I have ever liked in our house by kicking soft toys around indoors - it's an illness.

They have been banned from our (very small London) garden since the oldest was about 6 and sent to the green at the end of the road - thankfully I don't have to go too now. But it does take at least 2 in a park so that will not solve the problem for you.

I think you are well within your rights to ban it in the garden, a trampoline, basketball hoop and the suggestion of explaining to him he will have to pay for breakages are all good ideas which may help. FWIW you sound like a good SMum.
Good luck!