to feel resentful about parenting differently.. but how to avoid??

[FreeTimeWahey]

My husband and I were very skint after illness but wanted to give our PFB a sibling anyway.
Our 2nd DC turned out to be Dtwins!!! It was/is so hard with no family help and having to watch every penny.
We can cope but Have got a problem of simply 'having' to be more strict then I would have liked. This is Due to sheer demands of 3 young DC, no family help, tiredness, too little time and money and so much housework and chores.
I have lovely friends though all have the standard 2 DC, 2 years apart.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I get jealous when they can indulge their kids more eg "He won't put his own shoes on at age 5 so I still do it for him! " and moaning about how much their two squabble when I literally can only just cope with complicated 3 way allegiances/fights and constant refereeing.

I KNOW of course its not my friends fault my last few years have been such a struggle and that I haven't had lot of choices. I just feel the loss of the joy of parenting I would have normally so much more when I see what they do or listen to them.

I can't help it and try and always be nice but feel isolated and so different to everyone else.
This is prob the wrong place for this I suppose
/sigh.

As many others have said above, I think you are doing your DC a great favour - you will make them strong, independent, patient and well-behaved. There are lots of parents who haven't got multiples who parent just like you - and it is harder to not give in and do everything for them for the sake of the easy life. I totally get why you resent having to do it.

But you need to be kinder to yourself and admit that you are doing a fabulous job, however hard it is.

I have two DDs two years apart and by age 5 they were most certainly doing their own shoes, putting away their own laundry, dressing themselves, tidying up - because DH and I had to work. They're now 9 and 11, and they are so mature and sensible compared to some of their peers that it really makes me feel it was all worth it. I can trust them in so many ways that they now have some freedoms their peers do not yet have, so there's something in it for them too.

My four were all born within 4.5 years of each other, so I understand what you mean. They all have to pull their weight or we would never get anywhere. They are also aware of budgeting and don't take lifts etc for granted. I try not to pay too much attention to what other parents are doing though. If you start comparing yourself to others, it's only going to make you frustrated and cross, especially if they have more money and/or more help than you. If you can resist these comparisons, it will also set a good example to your children so that hopefully they won't compare themselves to peers who seem to have more than them. You sound as though you are doing a great job with your children and equipping them to be adults that people will appreciate.

I havent read all this thread, but i just wanted to say that not all of us are parenting exactly how we want to , because there are other parents involved.

I have a DH to consider, he thinks that i'm not being attentive, when i expected our DD to dress herself at 5. He thought i was allowing her to do dangerous activities when i bought her a trapeze. He thinks that she should ride her bike on the pavement, where i think she should learn road safety and it's my job to teach her how to use the road properly.

Now he is soft on her with homework, while i'm more likley to say - you can do better than that, thats an appaling effort. He never tells her he loves her, but i tell her that i love her every day.

these are the challenges i face everyday when parenting the way i want to.

then my sister has to share custody of her children, she is definately NOT parenting the way she wanted to.

My friend has two adopted daughters and isnt parenting the way she wanted to, because those girls came with issues that need a certain approach

ALL of us are parenting in a compromise situation, some have less money than they would like to spend, some have less time/contact with thier kids.
ALL of us are doing our best with what we have. I'm sure you are too. Bit please dont beat yourself up over things that you cannot control. You only have x amount of hours for each child- you cant invent a new clock. Be kind to yourself

Are there any toddler groups for parents of multiples? There is one in my area (saw it advertised when looking for toddler groups for my singletons) - such a group might be good for seeing how other parents in similar positions approach this as I do think having twins etc must be so hard.

This is a really normal way to feel with twins. You are limited in your choices as how to parent, and research shows that parents of twins are overwhelmingly more directive in their parenting style. Because the situation forces you into it.

Yes, other people have their choices limited in how they parent as well, but it is very stark and obvious to you, because you are essentially firefighting. It's not fair when you want to be able to enjoy every minute with your children, and it goes twice as fast when you have two the same age.

When I had my DTSs, and for the first few years I was gutted that I needed to take a different approach. E.g. there are people that tell you that attachment parenting is just as easy with twins, but these people probably haven't tried carrying two babies in a sling with a back that is f**ked up from a twin pregnancy.

Having three little ones (which I do now) means you are probably in survival mode. And you sound like you are doing a great job and getting them on track. They will be confident and independent, just like my DTSs, but they won't love you any the less.

I do find knowing other mothers of twins helpful. I met some through my local twins club, and others just at the playground etc (twin mums talk to each other in a way that singleton mums don't). There are issues that only we twin mums know about. You could also try on the multiples board here if you just want to vent or to get some advice.

Congratulations on your three children.