what is reasonable?? mum seriously ill.. no siblings no partner I'm an only child and i have two dc one of whom is 4 months.. help I'm going out of my mind...

[Fairylea]

Help. This is causing so many rows at home.

My mum is 64. Long story short she has drink and mental health issues. We always used to live together until I had enough after a series of rows due to her being drunk and shouting at me. It sounds grim but we have been close too and supported each other through both of our divorcesand we cared for my gran together who died of cancer at home nine years ago. For the past year mum and I have lived apart. She has 3 small and friendly but completely unruly and boisterous dogs.

I am now remarried and I have ds 4months and dd9 years.

Mum has been very unwell for the past few weeks with what began as a serious headache. She had tests at the GP and they have told her to go to a and e and be admitted for tests this way rather than wait for a referral. They suspect it is cancer although they haven't said that word but they have said it is very serious indeed and she needs scans and more tests.

Mum is going in tomorrow. I am taking her. The hospital is an hour drive away each way. I will have to take dc with me as dh is working and cannot take time off as he is on a warning already (something unrelated, unjustly etc).

I am terribly worried about my mum and also there is a big panic about what will happen to her dogs... she has arranged for a lady from her work to come and see to them but this isn't a long term.solution. she cannot afford long term foster care or dog walkers. She has rung every charity she can. I cannot have them here, not with the baby unless I shut them in our massive kitchen extension with access to outside via dog flap but that isn't ideal. Is it? I don't want her to re home them and then recover and not have them
She would be heartbroken. They are her babies.

I am an only child. She has no other family. No boyfriend or partner. No friends apart from that one lady at work who will help with the dogs.

It's all down to me. My dh is stressed as I'm feeling so stressed with everything.

For example tomorrow I'm feeling like I should stay all day with her but that's not fair for the dc
... but I can't have my mum find out she has whatever she has on her own. So what do I do???

Dh works very long hours leaving at 7 and getting back at 8. We have no friends to ask to sit the dc and his family live a long way away so we cannot ask them.

What am I going to do? What is reasonable?

Please be kind.

What has your dh done at work that is so bad that he can take 1 day off to support you and look after the dcs?...

I am concerned about your own emotional and mental health after following your back story on here....

Lots of good advice here- just wanted to add, stop feeling guilty! You sound like you are doing all the right things and balancing being a good mum and daughter.

And whilst it's great to support your mum, I don't think you should feel obliged to have her to stay with you- different thing altogether!

Maybe it won't all be as bad as it seems now.

It sounds really stressful and ovewhelming.
break it down into chunks:

1. You can only do what you can do. Do what you can do and don't beat yourself up about what you can't.
2. Whetever you do do to help your Mum, do not under any circumstances do anything to jeopardise your own family's security. e,g your DH's ability to keep his job is paramount, as is the safety and security of your DCs.
3. Get a day with a friend for DD tomorrow. That will make it easier to supoprt your Mum with only the baby to mind.
4. Leave the dogs to the work froned for the time being - also if the wirk froned has the dogs to wrangle it will be in her interests to see if she can foind care for the dogs. Anyway, you don't know what level of dog care will be requires yet or for how long, so stop thinking about this. See if work person can find a Dog Rescue chariity who may take them for a while.
5. As soon as you know what level of care your Mum will require contact Norfolk County Council Adult Services. Also you can ask the hospital social services team / advisors to talk about what care can be provided. Be clear that you cannot be a primary carer
6. Remind yourself again: you can only do what you can do. I am the parent of an only child and i am very clear that looking after myself is and will be MY responsibility. To make provision, to not have DS ever feel obliged.
7. Good luck tomorrow!

Just a word of caution.

You appear to think that your mum is going to get some definite answers tomorrow (and be kept in).

If the GP has sent via A&E (V lazy GP btw he should at the very least be sending in to an medical assesment unit). Going in a Saturday (tomorrow) may delay things further. Many services are on an emergencies only basis and if your mum isn't going in until tomorrow (she's well enough to be at home on her own tonight) there is every chance that things may not happen as quickly as you would hope and certain tests may be delayed until the working week starts again.

I can understand why you are concerned but I think your GP is at fault here he should either organise a proper admission (if she is ill she could be admitted immediately) or refer her through the correct channels. There is a chance your mum will be seen and sent home to see the GP on monday, IMHO there is a small chance of her havng a full diagnosis tomorrow.

Good luck with your dogs