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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for a bit of handholding because I've taken my headscarf off and people are now pissed off with me

63 replies

NoScarfOnMyHead · 08/11/2012 19:34

Have worn it for quite a few years. Kept getting a niggling feeling something wasn't quite right, and tried to ignore it, carry on wearing it...

Took it upon myself to do a lot of research and study into the Qur'anic verses in the original Arabic language, as well as a few English translations to get different perspectives. Listened to some Islamic scholars who have secular views instead of the majority view (woman should apparently cover entire face as well as body/head) and finally after a lot of soul searching, discussion with my hubby and other muslim friends, I decided it was not mandatory and I have taken it off.

Rest of body will be covered very modestly as usual, but hair out. Reactions from mother in law and her close friend very upsetting along with very hurtful and unnecessary comments i can't even mention.

I'm not walking around with my tits out, or a face full of slap, or with my thighs and ass in an LBD with high heels, so why are people acting like this? I pray 5 times a day, have a strong faith in my religion, and am a wife and mum just getting on with my own business and trying to be a good person. i hope this gets easier for me soon. sorry to whinge, just needed to let it out.

OP posts:

EdgarAllansPo · 08/11/2012 20:00

It is not mandatory, and it is a matter between you and your husband, it need not concern anyone else.

foreverondiet · 08/11/2012 20:01

YANBU your head and your choice. Good that your DH is supportive.

It will just take some getting used to for others. Just ignore, surely you knew they (MIL and friends) wouldn't like.

ImperialBlether · 08/11/2012 20:02

Can I ask you, OP, whether you are a convert to Islam?

Original poster

NoScarfOnMyHead · 08/11/2012 20:06

really appreciate the words of wisdom!!

i think culturally/traditionally they are mandatory in a masjid (mosque) if you go to pray as a muslim. as a non muslim going there, you can choose whether to cover your hair, but its a must that the rest of your body be dressed modestly.

i am really dreading tomorrow. It's like, I know what I believe in, but it's how people will treat me that scares me. I knew there would be judgement but its so hard to grin and bear it when its going on

OP posts:

Original poster

NoScarfOnMyHead · 08/11/2012 20:06

i am indeed a convert (revert we call ourselves)

OP posts:

Naoko · 08/11/2012 20:06

I'm not a muslim, so I can't possibly comment on your choice, I haven't the knowledge, but you have obviously thought about it, researched it, and taken the advice of knowledgeable and wise people before doing what you felt is right for you, and I can't see how that could be a bad thing. Your MIL is of a different generation, and you have changed something that is important to her - she will need time to get used to it. While she does, stand firm, but try not to let her get to you. I think, more than a matter of religion per se (which, of course, it is, too!) it's also a matter of disagreeing with someone you respect, and who, by virtue of their age, has perhaps been a source of guidance in the past. That's always hard, for both parties - it's a changed dynamic. I love my father dearly, and respect and value his advice, he is a wise man - but I'm an adult now, and over the last few years, as I grew from a teenager into a 'proper' adult, I've realised that there are things I fundamentally disagree with him on, which hasn't been easy for either of us - because part of me wants to be his little girl whose dad knows everything, and part of him, for all that he is proud of me and is happy that I'm grown and independent, wants to be my hero.

Give her time, and don't question yourself - you have done your questioning, and reached a conclusion that you're happy with, even if you're not used to it yet.

Original poster

NoScarfOnMyHead · 08/11/2012 20:08

molepom - avoiding mil's friend is hard..she comes over regularly and lives 2 mins up the street. so awkward. Two of her own daughters dont wear the scarf however. thats why i hope she just accepts me without it and gets on with it.

OP posts:

awaywego1 · 08/11/2012 20:08

handholding here well done for doing what feels right for you, right now.
It will be a shock to people right now but fingers crossed they will soon accept this decision. Best of luck love

Original poster

NoScarfOnMyHead · 08/11/2012 20:11

naoko - your post was really insightful and wise. I never really thought about how mil is older and so having a younger person disagree with her may be hard to deal with..especially when i think about it, she's known me since i was 18 and i'm in my early 20's now. she knows how practising i am in terms of Islam but is acting like i'm considering packing it all in, literally because of the scarf. this bloody scarf.

OP posts:

whois · 08/11/2012 20:12

Brave decision.

Glad you have DH support. Hope everyone else backs off!

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 08/11/2012 20:18

Two of her own daughters don't wear a scarf and she's pitching a fit at you? Blimey.

Don't keep justifying yourself, you have gone above & beyond already by telling her why you have made this decision, it's now time for her to accept your decision and keep her beak out.

TwitchyTail · 08/11/2012 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantspel · 08/11/2012 20:32

If you have already told them your views on wearing the scarf then i would refuse to discuss it anymore. Just tell them this is your discision and it is not up for discussion.

You dont have to justify to anyone why you have chosen to take off your scarf.

Original poster

NoScarfOnMyHead · 08/11/2012 20:46

thankyou everyone from the bottom of my heart. x

OP posts:

Softlysoftly · 08/11/2012 21:23

Possibly you should point out to her the evil in talking badly about things that do not concern her. Point out that she should read and interpret the word of her god herself rather than through the filter of others.

"Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: "No servants of Allah's (SWT) belief will be correct until his heart is corrected, and his heart will never be corrected until his tongue is." The first phase of achieving this correctness is for a person to give up that which does not concern them and not to involve themselves in things that they were not asked about."

SirBoobAlot · 08/11/2012 21:27

Do what works for you. This isn't a decision you have rushed into, its something you have considered and looked at from every angle. You have come to the conclusion that is best for you as an individual.

Hand holding and lots of love. I think you're being very brave. Well done :)

Peanutbutterfingers · 08/11/2012 21:38

Well done for standing up for what is right for you and your body. For what it's worth I'd treat criticism exactly how you would with anything else where you have different opinions and beliefs. Keep smiling and say 'really? That's interesting' without offering counter arguments or feelings. It's hard to fight someone who is agreeing with you and you're not fuelling the fire.

Good luck!

GhostShip · 08/11/2012 21:42

Well done for making a thoughout out conscious decision, and one that you probably knew would be met with disapproval. You're brave and I admire you :)

AdoraJingleBells · 08/11/2012 21:50

You've done what you need to do for yourself. You have the support of your husband. Nothing else is needed. Some people will be shocked- that's their problem, some will try to tell you how to dress-it's none of their business. When MIL comments simply tell her it is your own decision. When her friend comments either tell her you're doing no worse than her daughters, or the same answer as MIL gets. This is a decision for you about you and you have made it.

Well done for taking the time to find out what didn't feel right, understand it and then change it.

Pictureperfect · 08/11/2012 21:57

Good for you for sticking to what you feel is right for you. Some people do love to have something to judge people by and it's amazing the amount of 'good' religious people doing the judging yet don't stick to everything in their religion 100%, MiL are also a group known to like to judge!

I've not been in your situation but I'm sure it will get easier in time. Good luck coping with others

MooncupGoddess · 08/11/2012 22:03

Good for you for doing all the reading and coming to your own conclusions. In my experience people quite often twist religious texts to mean what they want them to mean.

If you get hassle from people, can you bore them into the ground with scholarship? 'Well, A says XXX, but it does depend on the precise meaning of Y Arabic word, personally I would translate it as XXX but maybe you would disagree? What books would you recommend I read on the subject?' Ten to 1 they will go a bit pale and start asking what you're having for dinner :)

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/11/2012 22:04

YANBU -

I'm no expert on the Koran,but it does simply state both men and women must dress modestly,I know that much. You are clearly very dedicated to your faith and are finding a way to observe it that is right for you.

Hope everyone backs off and supports your choice.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 08/11/2012 22:10

Good for you! I had similar negative comments from people for turning up to church in jeans. as I said then, Him upstairs, whatever you call
Him, and however you worship Him, doesn't give a squashed banana what you are wearing on the outside, it's what's on the inside that is important, that you are pure in your heart and in your obedience to Him. All the rest is just window dressing.

Sallyingforth · 08/11/2012 23:12

It is not mandatory, and it is a matter between you and your husband, it need not concern anyone else.

No, it's not between you and your husband. It's your choice alone. But it's good that he supports you.

peacefuloptimist · 08/11/2012 23:28

It is not mandatory, and it is a matter between you and your husband, it need not concern anyone else

Its not between you and your husband, its between you and God. You are doing something which you feel is right for you, but which differs from what most mainstream muslims believe. I am not sure how you have come to your decision but if you are convinced by the evidence you have found then you need to stand by it and just accept that the majority of people will not think like you and theres not much you can do about it.

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