to be a bit annoyed and hurt with DH?

[KittyLilith]

DH and I are both students. This morning we both had presentations to give. He's fine with public speaking and was happy and confident about his. I'm not and have been stressed and nervous for a week about it. He knows this.

This morning I left before him and texted saying good luck which he replied with a thank you. This afternoon I texted again to ask how it went and again got a reply, quick chat etc. Not once has he mentioned my presentation or asked about how it went or anything.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt and annoyed that he couldn't spare me a thought and a quick message? I know it's only a little petty thing, but I'm still a bit upset.

Yes I think you're naive. And no I don't think it's a good example of that difference. Anyone can be distracted by focusing on the task at hand, you don't need a cock!

Equally anyone can be a thoughtless, selfish fucknugget concerned only with themselves. This has nothing to do with gender.

And I know you'll just dismiss me out of hand cos you reckon you've got it all sussed on the whole men-are-just-stupid-what-can-you-expect front.

It's your funeral!

I don't think that he can't help it because he's a man either. I do expect more from him. Sorry I'm feeling quite sad now. I'll reply properly to all the posts a little later

pictish - you seem to be under the mistaken impression that i'm some pathetic downtrodden woman who allows herself to be walked over by men by excusing them with 'they can't help it, they're men'.

Hardly.

My point was only that sometimes men and women have VERY different focusses and that although I agree OP was right to be upset, I wouldn't read into it that her DP doesn't care or wasn't interested (in the same way that I didn't think the same of my DH).

"pictish - you seem to be under the mistaken impression that i'm some pathetic downtrodden woman who allows herself to be walked over by men by excusing them with 'they can't help it, they're men'."

You said "He's just a man. They can't help being stupid"

So you clearly DO excuse it. That's a direct quote from you.

Have to say I'm with Pictish on this one. If a person doesn't ask about something it is because it isn't important to them. Doesn't matter if they are male or female.
It's like the whole "Men, they don't see mess" arguement.

All bollocks!

OP, You are right to expect more from your partner. Don't be fobbed off by his "I thought it was tomorrow" nonsense. YANBU

Rather unfortunate choice of language then, BonaDea. You could easily have conveyed that point without calling all men stupid.

Unfortunately, if OP's DH did really care, he'd have been genuinely sorry when he realised he'd forgotten and that this mattered to her. That doesn't mean he'll never care again OP, all relationships go through stages of being more and less good and all need work to maintain but, it does sound as though it's not good now, so you're right to feel unhappy about this.

YANBU! How self-centered of him!

Quite. If I were you OP, I'd have a wee chat with your dh about how this made you feel, because otherwise it will fester, and ultimately escalate.
It doesn't have to be confrontational or anything. Just an adult to adult 'did you realise?' thing.

Yanbu.

He sounds very Self absorbed. Not a male trait or a female trait but a trait of the arse. (I used to be like this too)
I would be quite unimpressed.

Good point, Thisisaeuphemism. My husband can be the most outrageously self-absorbed dick on the planet. He'll come in from work and give me a lengthy monologue about HIS day (unprompted, believe me) and never ask how mine was. Honestly, I could have had a doctor's appointment, a job interview even, and he'd still be droning on about the cheeky email his boss sent him. It's not a male trait, it's a spoiled child trait. His mummy brought him up believing that he is absolutely the most important person in the world. It's deeply entrenched, learned behaviour. When I once, tentatively, mentioned it to his mother, she smiled adoringly like this behaviour is CUTE. I think men and women turn out differently because boys and girls are often treated differently by their parents. My husband's sister is a normal woman who can have a conversation in which every sentence doesn't begin with the word "I".

That sounds familiar gail. It's like he doesn't realise he's doing it. He seems genuinely sorry when I remind him that I had things happening too.

Thank you for your posts everyone. I've got some thinking to do and then a serious conversation needs to be had. Hopefully we can get past this and he'll start thinking about things a bit more.

I ask my partner every day how his day went. I expect him to want to talk about it. He says 'fine'. He has had the same job for 5+ years, I don't even know the names of the people he works with bar one guy who I had to phone one day in an emergency because DP left his phone at home (regular occurrence, he works outdoors and could be anywhere within a 20 mile radius of a town 35 miles from where we live, I found a number in his phone that I didn't know the name of and yes it was someone at his work, thankfully).

I expect him to ask about my day, he now does this as a courtesy because I have moaned about it asked him to pay attention to me so many times. He just doesn't think it's revlevant or worth discussing. Why do I care how his day out in the cold digging weeds or cutting hedges or whatever went? Getting over that one to be honest. More annoying when he feigns interest at such things as DS learning new words or being a treasure and a delight all day (rare occurrence also). We would probably live in silence if he had his way. Still working on it. You have to. I don't expect to change him drasically, but with a little bending and bowing and wearing away I think he will get better. Hope yours does too OP.

"If a person doesn't ask about something it is because it isn't important to them. Doesn't matter if they are male or female"
Exactly Emandlu

"He sounds very Self absorbed. Not a male trait or a female trait but a trait of the arse"
Yup. My ex BF was inclined to be self absorbed. His life was one minor drama after another, and he would phone every day to tell me (he would repeat stuff over and over like a stuck record), usually when my favourite programmes were on (and he knew what I watched because I was always reminding him). He'd never ask if it was convenient to call before immediately launching into a 30+ minute yack about what has happened and how he feels about it, where I could hardly get a word in edgeways. Only once he had got everything off his chest (again) would he ask about me. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders when we split.

My DH is a man. Last week I had an interview and he texted me 5mins before I went in to wish me good luck. We've been married 5 years. He always asks me how my day has gone.

It's common courtesy.

OP, I think you need to have a serious conversation. Are you long married? I'm a firm believer in starting off the way you mean to go on - i.e. ironing out any issues and establishing ground rules/ what is expected.

Sorry, another one who agrees with pictish - I've had a couple of BFs who were completely self-absorbed twats... I'm now very happy with a husband who is (in my opinion) a nice normal human being who is interested in what I do, speaks to me as a friend, is just as capable as me of cleaning up the mess we make as a couple in our shared home and caring for our shared daughter. He's a normal person just like me, not some kind of different species!

I also have a good few nice male friends who are no different in their interactions with me to my female friends - chat, gossip, mutual interests etc.

OP, your husband has a bit of an attitude problem, and his lying to you only makes it worse. Firstly, I'd make a point of not asking him how his day went etc. Wait and see if he gets the hump that you are 'being funny' with him - if he doesn't, at least I suppose it means that he's not singling you out for special take-the-little-woman-for-granted treatment. If he does, look astonished and say 'I just thought it might be fairer from now on to treat you the same way you treat me - you don't bother to do x, y, z either'. Get him thinking.

Secondly, I'd pick a good time to tell him, very calmly, that he really went down in your estimation the other day when he lied to you to get out of looking bad for not reciprocating with the texts. He'll bluster. You just look thoughtful and say 'Oh no. You knew it was the same day, all right. That really gets me thinking about you, you know?' And leave it at that.

Really, nice people (this is nothing to do with differences between men and women so I won't say 'nice men') don't act like this.

I sometimes get absorbed in my own stuff and forget to ask DH about things like this. It doesn't mean I don't care, but it's fair enough to say that it isn't going to be as present in my mind as something I actually have to do myself. And tbh I would find it a bit needy if someone was expecting reassurance and texts from me over a fairly everyday occurrence like a presentation, and getting upset if I didn't remember to do it.

I am not a man . Maybe I'm not 'nice' either. Oh well.

Kitty, I am glad your presentation went well.

I do find it really annoying when people say "oh well he's a man" So bloody what he's a man? He still should be saying good luck to his wife, asking how her day has been.

Ephiny, the point is SHE texted HIM to ask how his went, and in his reply he didn't ask about hers. That is just rude.

I can imagine myself doing the same, that's all, just not thinking to ask .

Also don't think I'd get on in a relationship with someone who was so sensitive as to be offended by that sort of thing, so maybe there's a compatibility issue here.

Lots of replies. I'll try and answer as best as I can.

mmmerangue That's exactly what bothers me, the common courtesy aspect of it. It just doesn't seem to occur to him.

WineGoggles that sounds like it was very wearing. To be fair DH doesn't go in for the whole Drama Llama approach it's just that he seems to think that I'm as interested in his day as he is while mine isn't as relevant to him.

MamaMary That's the kind of normal behaviour that seems to be missing at the moment and it is that it has gone missing not always been absent. Our youngest DS is 14 months old and it has been hard for both of us to adjust to a five person household. It's in the last couple of months with being back in University and various other stresses have left us not giving as much time to each other as previously. We've been married just over two years, together for nearly five.

drdwt I can see where you're coming from, but in general day-to-day things he does at least as much as me and sometimes more. We share housework and child-wrangling duties fairly equally. It is just that lately he's so caught up in what's going on in his own head it just doesn't occur to him to ask me about stuff. Also not asking him about his day, he probably wouldn't notice I hadn't asked and would just tell me anyway.

Ephiny If the presentation was an 'everyday occurrence' for me then that would be a fair point. In this case though it's not. I have to do maybe three presentations over an entire year and they are not something I am good at or confident at. He knows this and knew that I was particularly worried about this one due to issues with team members and the supervisor. I don't think expecting a reciprocal 'how did yours go?' is particularly needy.

McKayz Thank you.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. It's helped me feel better and look at the whole situation.

Kitty, it's good news that this is a recent, rather than an endemic thing. That means there is hope for him! Looks like you both need to focus more on your marriage again - it can go by the wayside with young children. You need to talk more, spend more time alone together. I still think you need to have a long chat with him about what you've brought up on this thread.

Thank you Mama We have talked a lot yesterday. We've both been caught up in "stuff" and both been feeling a bit neglected. We've decided on ways to get more time together and it's looking like everything's getting back to normal again between us. Our relationship is generally good and it's just a blip like everyone has.

Thank you again to everyone who took the time to reply.