to not really like my ds?

[YuffieKisaragi]

This will probably be long so near with me.
My nearly 8 year old has been driving me mad for over a year now. He argues with absolutely EVERYTHING I or my OH say. Example yesterday we went to pick him up from school. He started arguing about some homework. Was asked several times to stop arguing , told the conversation was over. He continued. We issued a punishment (not allowed to play with a certain new toy). He continued arguing, saying the punishment wasn't fair, we are horrible because we want to make him unhappy, we want his life to be unfair, etc etc. This continued all of the half hour walk home. He does this pretty much every day. He consistently does things he knows he isn't supposed to do (winding up his baby brother, running in the kitchen etc) then argues when he is told off or punished. He is ungrateful. We spent the whole half term doing fun things with him and.didnt get one.thank you, just whinges that we.didnt buy him expensive.things. He is exhausting to be around and I feel like the worst parent in the.world because he is very polite and well behaved at school, and my Mum is always saying he's an.angel, he's so good etc etc because she doesn't see him argue with us. She thinks we are too harsh on him ND whenever I tell him sharply (for about the third time that day) to stop getting in the baby's face (he wears glasses, I don't want either child hurt by them.or the.glasses broken) she will call him over for a cuddle and tell him he's a lovely boy. He's picking up on that so now feels that we are.genuinely unfair to.him.
I am at my.wits end.

Apologies for all mistakes I am typing on my phone with cold hands!

finally had time to read whole thread.

You mention how physical he is. My ds has always needed to let off steam physically. He often goes outside to bounce basketball or kick a football. He does football club after schoolon thurs and he is a different child. We bought him a basket ball and hoop last birthday so he had something he could do even when grass was too muddy. Getting exercise really helps. It calms him down.

If computer games are his thing then ask him to teach you one. I hate the wretched things, but spent a couple of hours last saturday learning how to play professor layton, so he could be curled up next to me on the sofa having good time together.

If his games are his thing, you could try turning the system round. No games at all unless you have earned them. You get 15 minutes every time you....
When I do this, I try to make it very accessible and not set the bar too high.

Must say though, when ds has been on the computer, he gets cross and argumentative. the computer really presses all his buttons. The worse the game the more horrible he is when he comes off, he sort of needs to decompress. So our computer times have very defined rules. On and off times. Also he is not allowed any games over his age (so not even a 12) This has had a really big impact on his behaviour.

re PIL and manners. Talk to him before you go, get him to make a plan, what can he take, what would he like to do, what boredom busters does he have? If he has a ds I would let him take it. talk to him about timing (so last weekend we had visitors to lunch including another 9yo. The deal was 1 hour with everyone being polite and eating lunch and helping clear up. then he and other ds went off to do what they wanted, with their nintendo dses)

Hand some of this back to him too. Ask him what he thinks he can do when he gets cross, make a plan together. Ask him about the baby and what he gets out of the in-the-face shout. Give him an opening so he knows it is ok to say that actually he is cross with baby. Let him know that these feelings are ok, and normal. The issue is respecting him as part of the family.

sorry (been dealing with this for ages so hoping some of the crap we have been through may actually help someone else!!)

One last thing. I discovered an idea called the anger ladder. It is something like this:

talk reasonably to the person you are angry with
shout at the person you are angry with
shout and scream but not swearing
shout scream and swear at the person, not physical
take out anger on safe things (cushion) doesn't break things
break things but doesn't hurt people
uncontrolled anger, hurting people

The idea is you move up it one step at a time. Our dcs won't move up in leaps, but step by step. We need to recognise and congratulate them on the step they have left, and direct them towards the one above. That way we feel less frustrated with their temper as we have a tool to move them on. It is also important to get them to understand than anger is normal and shouldn't be squashed but we should learn to direct it.

eg (after they have calmed down):
you were very angry because I took your x-box away.
being angry is Ok, eveyrone gets angry
well done for remembering not to hit or kick me when you are angry. You are showing good self control by doing that
You did kick the door and kicked over the chair. I want you to think about what you could do instead. Is there something you could punch or kick instead of the door and chair - something that couldn't break (cushion, bed, teddy)
next time when youa re angry I want you to try and kick hit safe things.

I have foudn this very helpful to get ds anger in perspective

Great posts by Steppemum

I agree that food and sleep are extremely important

Does you DS play much computer. My DS's could be easily disciplined by removing computer privileges. Very quietly and consistently. They could earn time back by being well behaved.

IMO Too much computer is bad for DC's especially if they are playing violent games.

Steppemum - yes yes to your anger ladder and acknowledging anger as normal, plus talking about how to deal with it better with them. I do this with DD1 and it really has helped. She will even take herself off to go and calm down sometimes if she needs to now.

I have some similar issues with my DD. Great posts from steppemum - really constructive and helpful.