Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shagmund's update - free-loading friend

38 replies

Shagmundfreud · 04/11/2012 10:21

Texted her this morning:

"Doing my accounts and trying to work out how much you owe me (then listed days worked and asked her to confirm). It would help if we could sort this out ASAP otherwise I'm going to be in a fix when I have to pay ds's piano fees next week".

She texted back to say she thought it came to a figure which is £50 less than I make it and that she'll give me a cheque, so I texted her saying 'Actually I make it as XXXX'. And asked for cash. (because the cheque will bounce or it'll be post-dated).

I've agreed that she can pay a proportion of it (a third) next month as she clearly doesn't have the full amount to give me and it's no point insisting if she doesn't have it.

She's told me that she has to move out of her house very soon as she can't afford the rent, and back into a tiny flat her and her DH own which her brother has been living in for the past two months (rent free I think - free-loading clearly runs in the family).

I texted her back saying I hope her DH was sharing all the worry and the burden of this with her. She responded saying 'his condition and personality' means that she has to deal with things like this on her own. More fool her, is my thought. He's a selfish shit and IMO she's got a 'hero' complex - she likes seeing herself as the strong one who carries all the crap. I think - well, that's your choice, but when it starts impacting on your responsibilities to other people then you need to deal with it.

Am dreading her asking me for childcare as I'm going to tell her that I can't do it unless she pays on the day. Hopefully she'll be forced to get her brother to do it for her instead.

OP posts:
Funnylittleturkishdelight · 04/11/2012 10:26

Well done! You had the courageous conversation just have to stick to it now!

WelshMaenad · 04/11/2012 10:30

Good. Good for you.

Look, they own property, they will have a roof over their heads. She's doing pretty well in comparison to many others in this recession. And if she chose not to rent out that property and boost her income when she's allegedly struggling for money, then well, she's a twat.

cozietoesie · 04/11/2012 10:32

Er - shagmund. One small correction. That would be '..pays in advance on the day...' wouldn't it?

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 04/11/2012 10:36

Well done shag :)

mmmerangue · 04/11/2012 10:37

Go Shagmund :) well done.

She'll still probably try to fob you off, but stick to your guns :)

Cahoots · 04/11/2012 10:42

That wasn't so bad was it! Grin
It will be even better when the cash is actually in your hands.
Good text and good response.

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 04/11/2012 10:46

Whether the money materialises is another thing.....

You know my dear sister was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. :-( I'm going to have a lot on my plate supporting her over the next few months and years. It's made me feel completely impatient with my friend's fuckwittery. I had no problems sending that text this morning .

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 04/11/2012 10:47

Good. Keep that strong feeling close to you - you'll need it over the next few months and years.

So sorry about your sister.

MummytoKatie · 04/11/2012 11:06

Why in the world does someone who is about to lose their home take 7 people out for dinner for Halloween???

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 04/11/2012 11:57

Mummy - I'd forgotten that it has been her dc's birthday. Even so - if it had been me I would have done a takeaway at home and a sleep over.

At the moment I feel seriously tempted to write her a letter telling her that her choices are insane - not about her individual spending choices, but the fact she's claiming benefits she's not entitled to, so putting her long term financial and professional security in jeopardy. And for what? So her selfish DH (it was him who bought the ipads, refused to put their flat on the market when they separated and so built up the debts that led to her first bankruptcy, and still refuses to support her emotionally and practically so that she struggles with working the hours she needs to work to support the family) can carry on being useless and selfish?

I want to shake her. I'm supposed to be her friend and she's supposed to be mine. From where I'm standing it looks like her DH is financially and emotionally abusing her and she's shrugging her shoulders and telling me that she's strong, and can shoulder all the responsibilities in the family. Meanwhile getting herself into financial shit, alienating friends, and defrauding the benefits system. It's not right and I feel like someone needs to tell her.

OP posts:
Tabliope · 04/11/2012 12:11

Shagmund - get your money first then tell her. Not the other way round.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 04/11/2012 12:13

Just stop the childcare, unless she pays on the day. And if she does not pay at the end of the day, that was it, the last time you looked after her kids.

Her financial mess is not a situation I would personally touch with a bargepole. Just ensure you are paid.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2012 12:18

Don't do childcare for her at all. She will not pay you on the day. She'll come home with an excuse because she is a free-loader.

Don't bother commenting on her finances. That's her lookout.

handwasher · 04/11/2012 12:33

Sorry to sound harsh but she is still freeloading off you and I don't have much faith that you will get your money.

I mean firstly she tries to knock £50 of what she owes you, then she says she will only pay a bit at a time with the first payment next month (thats 4 weeks away). Next month is December and I'm sure that there will be a sob story from her about having to buy the DCs things for xmas. It also sounds to me that she is softening you up to let her off paying with her story about having to move out of the house

Did she even apologise for not giving you the money? It it was me even if I only had £20 to spare I would be round with that straight away so at least I had paid something.

You say that she obviously has the money but what will she be paying her cleaner with when she comes next week? what will she be paying her hairdresser with? - the money that she should be paying you!

You sound like a very kind and concerned friend but you have got a lot on your plate at the moment with your sister and you don't need to spend your time worrying about a user like her. She is an adult so she can get on with her own life.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2012 13:47

And c'mon, she owns a property, but is claiming HB fraudulently. This person is an adult and responsible for herself.

lovebunny · 04/11/2012 13:53

lets say you lost the money. as long as you ditch the friend, you'll have gained peace of mind.

PickledFanjoCat · 04/11/2012 13:55

Remember your last thread, good work and hope your sister is ok.

cumfy · 04/11/2012 14:01

Why are you certain that she doesn't have the money ?
She sounds loaded.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 08/11/2012 10:37

Has she paid you yet Shagmund?

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 08/11/2012 10:39

She gave me £160 this morning - cash.

She still owes me £60. Said she'd pay me when she could.

Told me casually this morning that she was off to have her hair done this afternoon.......

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/11/2012 10:42

Whew! Hope you are not providing anymore free childcare. You need money for your childrens' Xmas, and if she can afford cut and colour this often, meals out, gadgets, then she can afford to pay for childcare.

cozietoesie · 08/11/2012 10:44

I'd like to see her try to pay her hairdresser with sweet words.

Have you stopped the childcare until she pays up in full, OP?

NicknameTaken · 08/11/2012 11:00

Glad you got something out of her. But no more childcare till she has paid off the balance. If she's stuck, she can ask her BIL to either stump up some cash or provide some childcare.

Sorry about your sister.

Original poster
Shagmundfreud · 08/11/2012 11:36

Nickname - we've had GREAT NEWS about my sister. Grin

Went back to get the results of her biopsy and the doctor said that it's NOT malignant - it's a rare tumour in the milk ducts called a phyllodes tumour. Will have to be removed surgically but tends not to recur, doesn't generally spread and isn't treated with chemo or radiotherapy. She's having it out next week and the prognosis is great!

OP posts:
QuietNinjaTardis · 08/11/2012 11:40

Read your thread about "friend" but am hopping on to dance around with you re your sisters news. am so pleased for you and your family. And we'll done on getting tough on your friend. Do not cave when it comes to childcare.