To not go?

[midori1999]

My husband has an important work thing tomorrow and also gets an important promotion. His family are staying here this weekend as a result. This has meant a lot of work for me in the run up, shopping for extra plates, bedding etc and arranging where everyone will sleep, food everyone likes etc. plus a spring clean of the house, which is, admittedly usually kept clean but not particularly tidy.

I also had a LLETZ procedure at the end of last week, my second in 5 weeks and am supposed to take it easyish the week after. The day I had it DH did come with me as I needed someone to look after our toddler, but went straight back to work afterwards.

This week he's done little to help, never offering or just doing things but asking what I want him to do. Last night he went out, leaving me with loads to do. I was at Asda shopping at 10pm the night before and today he wanted the car so I was in Asda again while the dinner was in the oven. Then, after I'd cooked for 12 people he kept saying how tired he was as he'd been up since half past five. So have I. I started clearing and washing up and he asked if I wanted help while dramatically yawning! I have now just spent an hour clearing up while he's in bed.

Now I've just come up to get a load of washing to put in to find he's left a huge pile of dirty laundry in the room my PIL are staying in!!!!! I had asked him to finish sorting the room out while I got dinner in the oven.

I feel like he's been really selfish and I don't want to stand in the freezing cold in uncomfy shoes (due to loose dress code) to support such a selfish arse.

AIBU?

Hmmmm - he is definitely BU....and part of me agrees with you, I don't think I'd want to go either!

But the other part of me thinks that tomorrow is a big thing that won't come again, so I'd go, and then afterwards rip him a new one for being such an arse.

Important work thing, promotion, dress code, standing in the freezing cold, family staying.... Sounds like an Army/Forces thing - been to plenty of those in my time!

He has been taking you for granted, but if you make a stand now it seems it'll be cuttting of your nose to spite your face.

As CoolaSchmoola hints, you need to grit your teeth & go through with it for now but ensure he makes up for it afterwards

YANBU to be annoyed. Now go tell your DH all of that. Stop being a martyr and tell the man what's going on.

Is this an ongoing problem, or just now?

I want to know if when he was asking what you wanted him to do, did you give him actual jobs or just vague ideas? I know if left to their own devices, most men I know would let you run about like that if you don't give actual specific instructions on what you want doing. You need to give him the Ada list if he has the car, he can do it on the way home, no need to be there at 10pm, you should be in bed after your procedure.

Best of, it really seems to be just the last few weeks, although he can be selfish and inconsiderate at times.

Coola, yes, it's a forces thing.

DH woke DD up when he left this morning and I also found the bathroom sink full of stubble/toothpaste!!!! I could honestly kill him right now!

I'm not sure I can face a day of being introduced to people when I feel so utterly crap and we are supposed to leave in an hour and I'm still undecided about what to do! It would be easier if DD could go in her sling as she won't sleep in her pram, but I can't do that in heels and no other suitable smart shoes.

I'm exhausted by it all tbh.

Write a list for dh and book yourself in to spa.

Go.
You don't need "you let me down/weren't there/ can't be relied on" when you're telling him what a git he has been. He sound pretty inconsiderate, but toothpaste and hair in basin on a really big day is not such a biggie if he's super stressed.

Get your thermals on, go, then let him know later that he owes you big time.

Yes, am with the others, go - you have put so much effort in up until now, don't let him and/or his family be able to bring it up later that you couldn't be bothered to go/get cold/didn't want to support him on his big day.

Go - and as soon as he has a free day to take care of DD, book yourself something nice to do for a whole day.

You need to go or he will hold this against you for a long time. It does sound like he could have helped more but if he asks what needs doing then show / tell him - don't get the hump because he hasn't read your mind.
You say you cleaned up alone last night but he offered to help (even though he yawned) why did you let him go to bed and not help clean up?

Sounds like he's been under a lot of pressure and acting unreasonably. Yanbu but if you can link his lack of attention etc to the stress he's been under (promotion etc) then do you think you can see past it all just now, support him today and tackle it later?

It took me weeks to stop bleeding after lletz let alone the mental trauma that you must have been under. YANBU, he is being a prick imo. His family are staying therefore he should have been doing the work for them to come and stay, he should also have been looking after you.

I would have fallen out with my dh a long time ago, get yourself some iron tablets and go to bed.

Sorry I have no idea what lletz is

Lletz is a procedure to remove pre-cancerous cells from the cervix..you can have quite a chunk either lasered off or cut with a hot wire, under local anaesthetic and in my case included a lot of very heavy bleeding afterwards. Then you wait for the results to come back to make sure they got all the cells and that there is nothing behind them.

Well... I have to say, although he (along with his not very helpful family) does need a good kicking, you kind of do let them get away with it. Somebody mentioned the "M" word further upthread and this is the crux of it really. The man asked you what he could do to help, while theatrically yawning to indicate he would really rather you didn't. The sensible answer is not "oh don't worry, I'll do it" while secretly seething because he took you at your word, but "oh thank you dear, please carry the plates out", taking him at his word and ignoring the yawns. Likewise if he makes a mess in the basin, leave the bloody mess in the basin. You've got better things to do today even if you don't go to this do. And you're not well, something which seems to have passed the rest of them by.

Don't be like that ghastly piece of internet fiction, recently re-posted in Relationships, about the man who was going to leave his wife but fell in love with her again until she suddenly dropped dead. The silly cow, sorry, noble heroine didn't go and get her cancer treated because it would have been a nuisance to everyone. Well, I respectfully suggest that dropping dead is far more of a nuisance; or, in your case, more likely keeling over (a lot less drastic but still no fun) because you haven't listened to doctor's orders to rest.

<a class="break-all" href="//:www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Colposcopy/Pages/Treatment.aspx" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here this explains what OP has had done. Whilst I understand that today is important to her DH, OP's health and how she is feeling after her procedure should ALSO be important. I don't agree that she should go today so that either her DH can't 'hold it against her' or to give her ammunition to use against him. She should only go if she feels she will be able to cope and if not, he should understand she has genuine reasons for not going. Ans he should be dealing with preparations for his parent's visit.

If you really don´t feel up to going, then don´t -he has others there to support him.

If you feel like not going just to prove a point-not sure tbh.

I´d be tempted if the point would get across & be noticed!
(especially if you won´t enjoy it)

Ok now I understand more about what the op has been going through I think you both need to be cutting each other some slack and being kind to each other instead of at loggerheads over trivial things.

Well I haven't gone, which I explained to MIL was because the DC were tired after their late night last night and would be bored/play up, which is partially true. I apologised to her as there was a basket of dirty laundry left in her room and she said 'there are two actually. There aren't, but I have been in and seen that DH has taken the stored clothes ready for our holiday out of the wardrobe.

DH has rang and asked if I was going up this afternoon. I said no as DD needed a sleep and I want to get some housework done, plus I'm annoyed that he takes me for granted and went to bed last night instead of helping me. He replied that he was tired and had 'work' today. Obviously he thinks I do fuck all all day, even with 5 houseguests plus other visitors!

Why are you doing housework when it sounds as if you should be resting?

5 extra to look after is a lot-even if you don´t go out to work.

TBH they all sound bloody lazy.

When my Dad used to stay for a month he thought himself lucky that someone gave up a bed for him & fed him-wardrobe space??!!

That is actually a very good question!

I suppose as no one else will do it and PIL/step children were sent here from Stepford and think wives should be responsible for all housework regardless and will judge me and not DH if it isn't done.

PIL are a whole other story... they take the piss and treated my Mum like a servant last time they came and DH wasn't here. She was trying to be polite and not cause a scene, so wouldn't say much, I was exhausted with a young baby. They are staying in our bedroom and we are sleeping in the spare room (although it's not a bedroom, above the garage, no windows, airbed). They act like it's a fecking hotel!!!

I'm not sure about martyr, but I'm obviously a mug.

Tell mil that it's lovely to see her but you've recently had surgery so the other adults in the family will all have to muck in. Cuddle up for a nap with your little one and stop being a martyr by doing it all then getting resentful. When they get back, put one person in charge of getting the next meal, one person to look after the kids and dh to clear up the mess he left out. Perhaps he could even do some laundry. If anyone complains, tell them they are welcome to consult your doctors who are trying to save your life and insist that you rest.

If they do the whole"we didn't know, you've not told us" act just say that you wanted to support your dh through his big day. Now it's over, for the good of the family you need to follow doctors orders.

Then go to bed and demand some tea and cake

Yes you need to stop worrying about what people think of you and look after yourself!! I know what it's like as my pil and sils are all stuck in the 50's and seem to think the wife is there to do all the work. I used to care and try and live up to what they thought I should do but have stopped now because it's my life and I'm not a slave. It's really quite difficult to do but if no one else is going to look after you then you have to do it yourself. Stand up for yourself!!!!. I really hope you're ok and please please try and get some rest.

Oh they sound absolutely horrible, entitled-and as if they look down on you & your mum tbh.

If that´s the case, whatever you do won´t be good enough-so why bother?

Sounds like a b&b/hotel for future stays.

I too have in laws who think my house is a b&b!

Sometimes you just have to tell everyone you are tired, need help, can't do everything, are not superwoman. Don't feel bad about it either.

Occasionally you have to put yourself first. It's not selfish, it's self preservation.

It sounds like you're both under a fair bit of pressure at the moment, so I won't call him an arse, I think sometimes when you have your own 'head stuff' you forget that you may be projecting it onto your other half.

You need to learn to delegate. The danger with getting cross is that it soon becomes an arguement about one upmanship, who's the most tired, who's under the most pressure and it's not productive.

I would, for example, not make the beds for the family, leave the clean linen on the bed and make it clear that you need a bit of support, the best way to do that is to delegate tasks. So you get FIL peeling spuds, MIL doing something else, everyone mucking in... there is a nack to it, you have to find the 'matron within' and have a non negotiable, no nonsense approach... with a smile and fake gratitude.

This is YOUR house. Give a stepford family NO ROOM to argue. Never give up your bed.

You do have to take a little responsibilty for the fact they are treating you like a servant and your house a hotel, you've made it too easy. My family and in laws are ALWAYS welcome, I'm a good hostess, so good they prefer to rent a cottage/stay in a hotel and simply come round for dinner. My plan and stubborness has worked

DH did once ask why I was so matronly when they visit, when I'm usually pretty laid back, I tapped my nose and told him it was all part of my cunning plan... I told him this whilst handing him the hoover and attachments, without even having to nag, he automatically hoovered. Good luck.

YANBU.