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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people without children can have a view

55 replies

McHappyPants2012 · 01/11/2012 20:48

This gets on my nerves when mainly parents dismiss Heath visitors and midwives advice solely because they have not had children of there own.

To me HV and MW do a great job, but like in all jobs you get good and bad.

OP posts:

thekidsrule · 01/11/2012 22:33

dys

really

i knew a woman that was a worker in a childs home

her own kids were wild and always in trouble and causing mayhem where they lived

work that one out

IvorHughJackolantern · 01/11/2012 22:36

Am in the process of complaining about the midwives.

Didn't bother complaining about the HV, but next time she calls to inform me of an impending visit (won't be for a while yet AFAIU it) I'll be telling her to go bollocks. Only I won't put it as politely as that.

BreeVanDerTramp · 01/11/2012 22:41

I just noticed this thread after starting one about my fab HV! I had no idea about children before I had any except I didn't like them and would never have given anyone advise. MW who delivered DS1 had no children but she was fantastic at her job.

lisad123 · 01/11/2012 22:42

Having been on both sides of the professional job, before and after kids. My view was very different before I had my kids, and I was a lot more understanding.

threesocksmorgan · 01/11/2012 22:44

yabu
my DB does not have children, nor does his wife.
they see things through those rose coloured glasses you have on pre kids.
you have a picture of what any child of yours will be like,
when you have kids, reality hits and no child can measure up to that.
god help you if there is also sn!!
so yes people without kids can have their say.
but I think most parents take more notice of people who have actually had kids.

MammaTJ · 01/11/2012 22:50

Had the MW on the ward been obsessed with giving nonsense advice I would have lost my DD2. She fought the new and clueless Dr to get her to SCBU and save her life. I won't hear any wrong about her though I know some of them are crap.

Original poster

McHappyPants2012 · 01/11/2012 22:54

My DC measure up and treble what I expected. I expected sleepless night, I expected problem after problem ( and boy didn't I get them)

What I didn't expect was the love my DC give to me, in those early days when night feeding those first smiles, the joys of the 1st everything.

The only thing which has thrown me was having ds as I have a lot of work with him for me to understand his needs

OP posts:

fluffypillow · 01/11/2012 22:56

I think childless midwives/Healthvisitors can be good at their jobs, but they can't REALLY understand what it's like to be pregnant/give birth/breastfeed/deal with more than one child ect... until they have actually experienced it.

After 3 children (15, 10 and 22months) I feel I could tell them a thing or two

I have more respect for advice given to me by women with children, than those without.

Motherhood is something you HAVE to experience to give accurate advice imo.

Pizzaexpress2 · 01/11/2012 23:00

A Btec? Reall?.5 1/2- 7 years in total training for a lot of hv's.
I was a midwife, and a rather empathetic one, for years before I had my own dc's. that only served to confirm that, yes it bloodey hurts, yes it's worth it and what hard work. None of which was a surprise.
There is no rule book for kids, you therefore need to cherry pick advice from HV.
If you don't want to see a HV then don't. Plenty of other places to be.

Gentleness · 01/11/2012 23:08

Sometimes a professional who has had children is worse because they make assumptions about themselves and about you/your family!

I had some very frustrating conversations with a hv who was sent to talk to me because she was "their breastfeeding expert". She gave me really duff advice with a real air of expertise and authority. Fortunately I recognised the flaws in her advice from my own reading around and therefore researched more myself rather than trust her. Otherwise for example I'd have tried weaning my baby in 2 weeks (whatever she even meant by that) because I'd waited till nearly 6mo to start solids. On further discreet investigation, she wasn't a hv at all but a nursery nurse. Didn't quite get what that meant, but anyway, I asked why they called her the bf expert and was told that she'd had 4 children of her own and bf them all. Well. So did my mum.

Another hv was rubbish (despite being a mother) because she was a really poor listener and lectured me for about 5 minutes on a healthy diet for my son (a slow weight-gainer by genetics, not starvation), interrupting me as soon as I said he had weetabix for breakfast every day. When she finally paused long enough for me to jump in, I was able to describe the rest of his breakfast AND the other meals he has. As she'd asked me to. She was quite embarrassed.

Yet people I know (medical and otherwise) who don't have kids can provide really useful advice because they are good at listening, identifying the main issue, questioning, guiding and empathy.

I think its more that some people are more skilled than others than that motherhood is an essential additional experience.

SlanketySlank · 01/11/2012 23:17

I have been in the care of a few midwives, two of which were childless, they were better than some of the ones with children. One of them delivered DS2, she told me she couldn't have children of her own but loved her job as it enabled her to hold lots of babies and to help other women safely do what she was unable to. She was fantastic, she was passionate about her job and really cared and very experienced.
My health visitors have always been brilliant too. I've had one awful midwife but the rest were great (only had two births but both long labours so shift changes).
In my experience it hasn't made a difference whether they have children or not.

PotPourri · 01/11/2012 23:21

My midwife hadn't had children, but was wonderful. I did ask her after the birth (after hugging her and saying thank you a million times about how wonderful she was- yes, OTT) whether the births put her off having babies and she said it kinda did...

It all comes down to how well someone can empathise. It is sanctimonious to comment on how painful it is if you have never done it yourself. Then again, they could have had one of those labours where they breathe the baby out.

nokidshere · 01/11/2012 23:34

I have been a childcare professional for 34 years. I have been a parent for 12 years.

I have had my fair share of parents telling me "what would you know" over the years and generally dismissing my advice because I didn't have children of my own. My advice is still the same now but people feel that it's more valid because I have children of my own.

The only difference really is the emotional pull your own children have on you. When a non parent professional gives advice many parents (including me) become defensive about their parenting because it's easier than admitting a non parent may actually have a point.

Of course there are good and bad in all professions just as there are good and bad parents.

SirBoobAlot · 01/11/2012 23:54

I dismiss professional opinion when they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Nothing to do with whether they've had children or not. Some of them are fantastic at their jobs, and some are not. Same in every profession.

Just because they have a qualification, doesn't mean you should take their word for gospel.

wishiwasonholiday · 01/11/2012 23:57

My health visitor doesn't have kids but is the best one for miles, loads of people move gp's to get her as their health visitor, she's nearing retirement but hope my kids are grown up when she does.

AnaisB · 02/11/2012 02:21

Yanbu
There are advantages to having your own kids, but also disadvantages - such as over-generalising from your own experience. Personality factors like empathy and good communication skills are more than experience.

Loveweekends10 · 02/11/2012 05:21

That's like saying a lawyer has to be a criminal to understand criminals. Or a heart surgeon has had to have had heart surgery to know what advice to give and how to operate. It's bloody ridiculous.

44SoStartingOver · 02/11/2012 05:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jacksmania · 02/11/2012 05:42

Of course people without children can have a view. YADNBU about that.

However, in my experience, their views are often (but not always) full of shit.

I'm a health care professional and former nurse and I'll happily include my pre-DS self in that category :o

dondon33 · 02/11/2012 06:12

In my first pregnancy I had a MW with 5 DC of her own so should have been able to give expert advice. She was in fact an utter witch - she judged me immediately because of my age (I was 16) and made many snidey and unnecessary suggestions and comments. Her advice to me one week after I'd given birth and was struggling with breastfeeding - was to give up! as according to her, I couldn't do it properly. (I persevered myself) I didn't feel able to complain about her though.
I had her again for my second pregnancy a few years later and quickly begged my GP to let me change to another MW (who was lovely) based with a different Dr in the same surgery.

Oh, my HV for all 3 DC's was MALE, so I can safely say he'd never been pregnant nor given birth :) although he did have DC's
He was fantastic in all areas and really was a huge support to me, he would offer advice based on not only tried and tested 'medical' opinion but would say things like ' another of my ladies has told me she tried XYZ and it really helped '
All the mums I'd met at the baby clinics and clubs never had a bad word to say about him.

IvorHughJackolantern · 02/11/2012 07:16

I'm surprised how many of you know whether or not your midwife or HV has children. It's not something it ever occurred to me to ask or that they've ever volunteered

Coralanne · 02/11/2012 07:27

You don't have to know how to make a watch to tell time.

Proudnscary · 02/11/2012 08:19

I knew my HV had children because I asked her. She was AWFUL. Made me feel inadequate in every way (luckily I am pretty proud and scary robust so ignored most of it) and was horribly passive aggressive.

I have no idea if her being crap was because she'd not been through childbirth/having a newborn.

Proudnscary · 02/11/2012 08:19

Didn't have children I mean, sorry.

BeeWi · 02/11/2012 08:36

Dysfunctioname 'People without kids shouldn't be allowed. They haven't got a clue.'

What a ridiculously over-generalised pile of shit.
You can get some brilliant healthcare professionals that have not personally experienced the hardships their patients are going through. (Would you, for instance, dismiss the advice of a psychiatrist if they had never had mental health issues?)
My midwife, who was with me right through pregnany, birth and for 6 weeks postpartum, had nearly 30 years experience but had been unable to have kids of her own, was brilliant.
She also was the person that finally helped me get my latch sorted for breastfeeding after several other midwives and a lactation consultant (who all, incidentally, did have kids) had failed. It is down to her patience and practical advce that I am still breastfeeding 8 months later.

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