To think the nursery should deal with this?

[hazleweatherfieldgirldetective]

Just started taking DS (10mos) to nursery for his settling in sessions. He had two last week (one hour whilst I was there, 1.5 hours when I wasn't). On Monday he was supposed to have 2.5 hours but when I dropped him off they requested that I collect him after 2 to avoid him being there at lunchtime.

Today was supposed to be his last session (3.5 hours) before I start back at work on Monday, at which point he will need to be there from 8am to 6pm three days a week. However, after two hours they called me to ask me to come and collect him because he wouldn't take a bottle and wouldn't settle.

When I got there he was grizzly and tired and lunged for me before immediately falling asleep in my arms. However, despite them having a quiet room they were attempting to feed/settle him in a brightly lit room with lots of under 2s pottering about and generally being noisy (as you'd expected from young children and babies). This obviously wasn't helping DS settle in a strange environment and they have offered another two sessions this week to assist him in settling in further. I tried to press for assurances that this wouldn't happen when I go back to work however they were unable to reassure me.

However, AIBU to think they shouldn't be calling me because he won't settle when he's a) so young b) only used to me/close family and c) he's only been there four times? Isn't it par for the course that he will be unsettled initially?

I am now incredibly stressed about going back to work next week as I'm concerned they'll call me every time he is unsettled and, frankly, I can't travel the 30 miles back every time he cries or refuses a meal/bottle/nap. I'm paying them handsomely to look after my son in my absence however, if I have to leave work early my pay will be docked and/or I will lose my job and I will simply not have the money to pay them. Should I persevere with this nursery or WIBU to just pull him out of there and find somewhere else? It seems faintly ridiculous that a company paid to provide childcare for mostly working parents would expect them to dash to the door at the drop of a hat just because their DC is being a bit of a pain in the backside.

Yes as a childminder I wouldn't dream of calling you unless your child was ill.

I would text u and be honest re grizzling but definatly see it as my professional job to help him settle.

Yrnbu...

Sounds rubbish - if they called the parents every time a child that age whinged, there would be no children left!

YANBU - ask them how they propose to handle it, and if they have no new ideas, find somewhere else.

Thank you both, I thought it was me being a bit hard faced about DS and having a 'chuck him to the wolves' attitude.

I have two dcs. Both have been in nursery p/time since about 6 months old. I've never been called to collect them do they are not there at lunch or because they were grizzly/unsettled.
Is the nursery understaffed?

Nursery should definitely handle this. My two went full time from 6 months (this was before 30-odd weeks paid mat leave) and were dreadful at taking bottles. The nursery just handled it - DDs happily ate solid food, drank water from sippy cups and made up their milk intake when I was around. Nursery should only call in case of illness, they should have strategies in place to settle grizzly babies and should definitely be using the quiet room - I would have concerns about staffing levels in this nursery if they can't take a baby into an appropriate setting when he is restless.

I agree, sounds a bit crap. My nursery just insisted he would settle with time and that they would deal with it. They were fine with his crying and gave him lots of cuddles and always managed to get him to sleep. I don't think they would have dreamed of calling me unless something was really wrong. He's been going since August and loves it now, big smiles at the staff when he sees them.

They have a staff ratio of 1:3 in the 0-2 room where DS is. I don't think they're understaffed. His keyworker just kept saying that she didn't want him to associate the nursery with being upset at such an early stage in his attendance.

I think they're being a bit crap overly cautious. Go and have a chat with his key worker tomorrow. Be honest and clear about your concerns - don't be fluffy, or apologetic, just very straightforward and spell out your (and his needs): he's 10 months old, he needs them to be in control, you need them to show you this week that they can look after him properly....so they need to think much more carefully: put him down in a quiet room etc etc.

Be very clear about his current routine, nap and feed times (if he has a fixed routine) and insist that they stick to that for at least the first few weeks, rather than trying to 'manage' him alongside whatever else is going on. Over a few weeks, he will gradually adjust to the nursery routine, which is probably different. For example, dd2 was 9 months when she started full time at nursery....first few weeks they stuck to her feed times and 2 long naps a day in the quiet room, then slowly moved her onto the nursery routine which was just one very long sleep in the middle of the day.

Good luck.

I would recommend a childminder over a nursery for such a young baby.

Hey. im a qualifies nursery nurse and hope yanbu! They shouldnt have called you.... unless your lo was HYSTERICAL for a long period of time. also why couldnt he be there lunch. settling in sessions should include one with sleep and one feeding!!!! They sound ridiculous! X

I have to say that it may be purely becuase he is in at a 'settling in' session.

When ds2 was having a settling in session, they called me after an hr ( knowing I was only in a local shop as the journey home wasn't worth it in the time) as he was upset. When I asked what they would do if he was unsettled when on full days, they explained their strategies, but said that duirng settling sessions they always called parents, so they were fully aware and able to assist if more sessions were needed.

He had a couple more sessions and then settled well to 3 full days ( he was 6 mths).

When he has his next settling in sessions, ask what they do to help settled your dc, and sek reassurance then.

I'm really hoping that's the case missmapp as I have to return to work on Monday and can't just pop back to see him due to the long commute. My bosses are not the most understanding and can be unpleasant enough over child illness. I can only imagine their reaction if I had to leave because DS was crying.

They are being overly precious or maybe a little lazy!! They will have to sort it out!!

My dd's nursery would handle this. DD had a rough settling in period too and I was never called back. Recently a new little one started and was lying in a bouncy chair grizzling whilst one of the nursery nurses sat next to her reading her a story and trying to cheer her up. I made a comment about the little girl being sad and the nursery nurse said 'yes she is struggling to settle, been sat in this chair all day and wont come out, but we will get there, just like we did with dd'. She absolutely loves nursery now, to the point that she gets annoyed when I pick her up! I would expect them to have a few more tricks up their sleeves to help your little one settle in.

I agree with missmap, my nursery did the same during settling-in visits, partly to ensure that babies get used to having nice associations with nursery. My 12mo loves the place and is ft now. It will be fine, but your misgivings are utterly comprehensible.

Just to add - the out of school place where the DDs used to go is also a nursery, they recently had a little boy of about 3 whose mum had just gone back to work for the first time. He took weeks to settle. And they did it - constant cuddles, reassurance, distraction, activities with other children. It was a long, gradual process but he is now completely happy.

It's part of a nursery's job to make it work.

My ds started nursery around 6 months. I didn't get any calls about him being unsettled. I on the other hand did a lot of calling! We had a 2 week settling and then a week when I was at home but he did full days so I could be around. Some days he did look like he'd been crying but cheered up when i arrived to collect. Now he does the excited leg and arm kicking as soon as we head in the nursery door. I don't think it's a sign of a bad nursery that they call though, I suppose different nurseries have different ways of approaching things. I get the impression from my nursery that different parents also have different expectations of them. Other parents may have been annoyed in the past that they didn't call.

Have you tried sending him in with some of your clothing? I wear a scarf then send it in with him the next day. The nursery staff say it really helps when settling him (he snuggles into it resting on their shoulder) and they'll tuck it round him for a nap.

I'm sure he will be fine, hazle, ds 1 and 2 went to nursery, from 9mths and 6mths, and were fine. I was never called back after the settling in time and both LOVED their nursery, they were always more sad to leave nursery than to be left there!!

Well I slept on the blanket he naps with last night so hopefully it will smell of me/home and help him to settle.

IMHO the settling in sessions exist for exactly this reason.

You have the child for as much time as he or she is reasonably happy and if the child becomes distressed you call the parent because, at this stage, you can. This helps the child to settle without becoming too distressed during the first few visits.

The assumption of the nursery staff is probably that you don't want your DS to allowed to remain distressed for longer than is necessary. During settling in visits it is not necessary.

Once you are back at work they will be aware of the fact and will manage your DS the best they can until you return....unless you are a parent who tells them that they would like to know if their child becomes distressed in the very early days so they can come home early. That does happen because some people's jobs allow for it.

The nursery staff are trying hard to do the best thing for your DS. If you're worried that they might call you at work you just need to discuss it with them. If you think he would settle better in a quieter room tell them, although they may have tried this and brought him back out when it didn't work. If you think he'd settle better another way, e.g. in a pushchair tell them that too. The more information they have the better.

Giving them a blanket you have slept on is a great idea. I find it usually really helps children who are settling in to have something that smells of a parent.

I've been back at work 6/7 weeks now. Ds (10mths) was clingy, bf, won't take a bottle/formula/cowsmilk. Settling at my cm was awful and he screamed most if the time. I literally wasn't going back on the Wednesday, particularly as cm was going to be away for 3 weeks when ds had been there 2 weeks. But he totally surprised us all! He settled straight away, went to the holiday cover cm without a whimper......and is a happy, friendly baby.
Maybe yours will do the same. We did the blanket thing too, and also muslins as he's so dribbly.
Settling in sessions are great, but I wonder if they're long enough. A couple of hours is enough for them to realise where they are, but then they go home. That said, I'd expect the staff to be able to handle grizzling and milk refusal. That's basic stuff!!