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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want the ring bk i bought my nan 15 yrs ago ?

41 replies

gobbymare · 29/10/2012 19:03

Its quite simple really, i bought my nana a ring about 15 yrs ago, with the thinking that when she passed i would get it bk and have something personal to remember her by, i feel guilty asking tho, and my nans wish was that all her jewellery be sold to pay for her funeral, so in finding this out i offered to buy the ring bk, do ppl think thats shocking ?

OP posts:
MORCAPS · 03/11/2012 20:30

YUP the way to 'win' this is to let your cousin know you support her in the decision to bury the ring with Gran and to just let it go.

If your mother has a tantrum, well then that is her problem and need have no bearing on you/your behaviour.

diddl · 03/11/2012 20:36

How horrible for you.

TBH, I still don´t see why your cousin couldn´t sell it to you-even if your mum had gone halves as your mum hasn´t asked to buy it, has she?

At any rate, it should be sold as requested imo-even if not to you as that is what your gran wished.

At least take heart that you can chose something else.

Adversecamber · 03/11/2012 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gobbymare · 03/11/2012 21:26

Thankyou for your replies everyone !

I have emailed my cousin to say that i would still like to buy it but that if she has chosen to bury it with my nan then i can only go with that because my cousin is going through a hard time right now and i do not want to add to it and that i will not cause a drama or fall out with her.

My mother has not asked to buy the ring back she just expects it, as she knows this will hurt me a great deal, sad as it may seem she thrives on this.
She knows she didn`t pay anything towards this ring and she also knew why i bought it back then.

I am now hoping that my mother does not cause a drama over the ring @ my nans funeral, my mother has always liked being centre of attention and gut feeling is telling me that it is all going to kick off.

I have not seen my mother for 7 years (other than my brothers funeral 2 years ago) and we have not spoken since that day. Due to the fact i sat on another bench out of the way.

Mothers meh, i was last in the cue for decent ones.

Ah well least i know how to be a good mother, just do the exact opposite of what she did.

OP posts:
ZeldaUpNorth · 03/11/2012 21:44

Buy a cheap ring as close as you can to your fans ring and ask your cousin to bury that one, then your mama will think your ring is being buried. You said she doesn't know what it looks like so would be none the wiser. So sorry you are having to go through this.

ZeldaUpNorth · 03/11/2012 21:45

Nans and mam not fans and mama. Blush

RyleDup · 03/11/2012 21:53

Well look at it this way, if your nan chose to wear that ring all the time, it must be because she really loved it, and the person that gave it to her (you). So if she is buried with the ring, then she will have a little part of you with her for eternity. So take some comfort in that. And ignore your rather unpleasant mother who clearly must be very unhappy to want to make someone else feel so bad. Choose something else that belonged to your nan, and then you too will have a little piece of her, just as she will have of you. And take enjoyment from knowing how special you were to eachother. No one can take that from you.

sparkle12mar08 · 03/11/2012 22:01

You know what? You will always have the unbreakable knowledge that your nan loved , and loved the ring bought her. Your mother will never have that feeling and knowledge, and more to the point, she knows that you know it. I know the ring itself is of irreplaceable sentimental value to you, but those sentiments still exist and always will exist. Your nan you, and nothing, no ring, no funeral, will ever change that. Best wishes OP, and be strong x

sparkle12mar08 · 03/11/2012 22:01

Okay I ballsed up my italics, but you know what I mean!

foslady · 03/11/2012 22:12

Totally agree with Ryle & Sparkle, think of it as a special bond between you and your Grandma that she wants to keep with her. And if you can't find a ring, two thoughts are a) Do you have anyone local who could make you something similar? or b) Did your Gran have a favourite, jewel/colour/flower that you could buy something that will make you think of her when you wear it to make it your Grans memory piece?

Morloth · 03/11/2012 22:18

Yes, keeping it with her is kinda nice.

If your Mum kicks off at the funeral, give your cousin a hug and be as kind and calm to her as you can.

Seriously, just refuse to engage.

It is that 'heap burning coals on her head'.

Stay pleasant, stay calm and do not engage.

It will make her crazy and you can walk away from this knowing that you are the better person. Wink

Inertia · 03/11/2012 22:58

Sorry for your loss, you obviously loved your grandmother dearly.

Have to say that I think Ryle is right - if your grandmother is buried with the ring, it means that she will always have that symbol of your affection with her. If it's with her then it can't be snatched by your mother, and it won't be used to settle bills -it's safe with your nana.

Original poster
gobbymare · 07/11/2012 15:47

Hey MN`etters , so... just a quick update and to say thanks to the people who helped me through this tough time.

So my nans funeral was yesterday and all went well in terms of my "mother & sister" being there, was a good service and i said my final farewell.

In terms of the ring, it was burried with my nan which now I am thankful for, altho my "mother had lied saying she paid half and said it was worth £500, my cousin had it valued at £20 so my "mother" shot herself in the foot with that one because i told my cousin how much it would be worth" so my cousin now knows that she was telling lies which makes me feel better.

I am glad it is over now and can get on with my life, i have a big picture of my nan taken 2 weeks before her passing and is worth a whole lot more than the ring, as i shall never forget her and i am reminded of her every day.

R.I.P nan, will see you again one day x

Once again thankyou to everyone who commented Smile

OP posts:
diddl · 07/11/2012 15:59

Glad you got through it OK & that you have a "keepsake" that you are pleased with.

TheSmallClanger · 07/11/2012 16:07

You are being the bigger, more noble and sensible person by letting it go, I think.

I ended up on the other end of a similar situation when my grandmother left me a specific item in her will, which another relative claimed to have bought for her, and wanted back. We weren't even sure whether it was the same item. I held on to it, as my grandmother was rarely openly affectionate to me, and I liked (still do like) the item.

I'm not speaking to the relative in question now, and my dad agreed to help keep the peace on the condition that I did not sell the item.

Your photo sounds like a lovely thing to remember your Nan by. I'm sorry for your loss.

Cahoots · 07/11/2012 20:01

I am glad everything worked out OK for you.

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