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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this friend isn't actually a friend?

20 replies

jollyholidays · 29/10/2012 17:09

I have been 'friends' with someone for around a year or so. Initially we spent quite a bit of time together and then it tailed off a bit, probably as you'd expect. We have a few other mutual friends, although they are more her friends than mine really.

I felt a little uncomfortable with the friendship as she quite actively slagged people we both know off, who she appears to be friends with. Also, she confided in an affair or fling to me and I felt dreadful knowing this as I have met her DH a few times. However, she had a dreadful and abusive childhood and ended up in care etc and still seems to suffer the effects of this so I put it down to that really.

However, there have been a number of things we had arranged to go to together and she'd often let me down at the last minute. The last thing like this I text her on the morning of the thing to confirm she was going as I had got up late etc and probably wouldn't bother if she wasn't going afterall, which I told her. She said she wasn't going, but then later I found out she had gone after all. There have also been quite afew nights out with the mutual friends to which I haven't been invited.

Then I found out that she had arranged a party on Saturday night and hadn't invited me. I text her and asked if I had upset her in some way as I hadn't been invited and she said she just hadn't seen me (she has my phone numbers etc) but I was welcome and of course I hadn't upset her. So, I went along and when I arrived I rang the bell a few times, one of the DC finally let me in and I went into the living room to say Hello and she ignored me. There was loud music etc, so I assumed she hadn't heard me and went and got a drink. Later on she seemed fine, chatty etc. However, today one of the mutual friends asked what had happened to make A ignore me at the party as when I had rung the bell she had heard and said, oh, that will be jolly' but then not got the door and ignored me when I came in. Confused

There are occasions where A does ask if I am going to a toddler morning or something, so I find it all a bit confusing and feel I should just distance myself, but I don't have many friends really. I just don't understand what is going on and I feel she doesn't really want to be friends with me?

OP posts:
BonVoyageCharlieBrown · 29/10/2012 17:27

She sounds a bit toxic. Leaving you on the doorstep and then ignoring you is pretty childish.

I think you should try and distance yourself from her. Are there any other toddler groups that you could go to so you can meet other mums. I think you deserve better friends

HeinousHecate · 29/10/2012 17:28

find other friends.

Friendship is supposed to be fun and nice. If it's making you miserable - it's not worth it!

wheredidiputit · 29/10/2012 17:32

She using you when no one else is around.

I would see her if she out with mutual friends but not make any arrangements to see her by yourself.

It's good that your other friends a noticing her behaviour, so you know it not you.

pigletmania · 29/10/2012 17:33

Just have nothing more to do with her, does not Sunday like much f a friendship

pigletmania · 29/10/2012 17:34

Who needs shallow friendships like that. She does not value as a friend

Shutupanddrive · 29/10/2012 17:35

What a bitch, dump her!

kige · 29/10/2012 17:36

She isn't your friend at all. Don't bother with her - just be polite if you see her about, if she invites you somewhere say you're busy. She sounds awful and you should distance yourself.

If I can be really blunt, I am not sure whether you should have text and asked why you weren't invited to the party/if you had offended her. The reason why you were not invited to the party is that she didn't want to invite you. It is as simple as that and this really sounds as though you should put some distance in.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 29/10/2012 17:38

Dump her, move on, don't worry! Smile

avivabeaver · 29/10/2012 17:42

don't just dump her, run and don't look back.

Pincushion2 · 29/10/2012 17:50

What a dreadful person. YABU to even consider still being friends with her. Please have nothing else to do with this person - it will only lead to more hurt.

Original poster
jollyholidays · 29/10/2012 19:22

Thankyou. I feel a bit reassurred I am not being paranoid now.

I felt it was fairly obvious she didn't want to be my friend, but then she'll do things such as the morning/day after the party text to see how I was etc. So it gets confusing. Confused

OP posts:
Autumnchill · 29/10/2012 19:28

Move on from her, not worthy of your friendship.

thebody · 29/10/2012 19:33

Errrr op said this woman had 'a terrible abusive childhood and ended up in care'!!!!!!

She may not have the tools or social understanding of most people who had normal childhoods. Social norms and manners are learnt.

Personally I would just take her as a casual acquaintance but lend her a friendly ear or shoulder if needed. Find other friends and not over think things so much.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 29/10/2012 19:53

So you said you weren't bothered about going to the thing, she gave you a get out and yet you still got upset? Maybe she just realised you didn't want to go?

Original poster
jollyholidays · 29/10/2012 20:19

I didn't say I wasn't bothered about going to the 'thing'. I wasn't bothered about going, but was going to go if she was going so we could catch up, she knew this. I assume she wasn't giving me a 'get out' but was trying to avoid seeing me.

Yes, she had a dreadful childhood. This is evident in her day to day behaviour and how she is with her own children etc. I am not sure if this is the reason she behaves like this or not, although I do wonder if she is very insecure, she seems to have a need to be popular.

However, I also had an abusive childhood and was in care for a while, although mine was a different situation entirely, but I don't treat people like that.

An other thing that I am not sure if it is relevent or not is that in this group of friends all of our DH's work together and my DH is ultimately their boss and my DH thinks that maybe she is trying to stay friendly with me because of this? Confused

OP posts:
LeChatRouge · 29/10/2012 20:32

Now I am old I have realised that there are three types of friends. The ones you keep at arms length - you see them occasionally, have a chat about surface stuff, maybe cross paths at work dos, be polite as your DHs work together. The second kind you let up to your elbow - you might be in the same friendship circle, you get on fine, you have a laugh, you exchange small birthday gifts. The third kind - you let into your heart, you trust them, you love them, they look out for you, you could go on holiday with them.

I think you should consider trying again to make additional friends and demote her to arms length.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 29/10/2012 20:47

Fair enough, sorry for the misunderstanding

kige · 29/10/2012 20:54

Yes you're probably right re the dhs. Just get rid anyway but do it subtly and don't make an issue of it.

pigletmania · 29/10/2012 20:58

Just because she been in care does not mean she treats people like rubbish. I would not have anything to do with her

justmyview · 29/10/2012 21:50

Be polite but keep your distance. I usually think it's not very helpful to send texts saying "Have I upset you? Why wasn't I invited?"

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