To not talk to my mum as she is having an affair

[Fishqueen]

Hi there - first time on mumsnet and looking for some advice! My mum has been having an affair with a married man for the past 2 years. She divorced my Dad after he has a series of affairs over a 12 year period. When I was 18 I found out about one of the affairs he was having and was the one to confront him and tell my mum who was understandably devastated after over 30 years of marriage. There followed a few traumatic years of them trying to work it out but ultimately they seperated.

This happened about 10 years ago and since then my mum has lived alone and I've always felt worried about her and wished that she would meet someone and have company again, particularly as I'm an only child and have lived quite far away. So a year ago when she told me that she had been seeing a married man I was initially relieved that she wasn't lonely anymore. I gave her my blessing because although I knew it was wrong, especially given the experience we had been through with my dad, I could tell she was in love and I hoped that they would soon tell everyone the truth and perhaps they could build a home together.

But as time is rolling on and the sneaking around continues all I can see is that he is having his cake and eating it too. They are both in their late 50s and my mum says its complicated and that she has to be patient and will wait for him. I know what she is like and while she asks him for nothing he will continue to do nothing. She says he has a bad marriage but as far as I can tell she only has his word on this, and I think its irrelevant anyway. He has two adult children who are none the wiser and I hate to think they are being lied to as I was for so many years by my dad.

I have recently moved closer to my childhood home and am spending more time with my mum and as a result we are arguing more and more about this. I stormed out of the house tonight and said I didn't want to talk to her as I am so exasperated with her, think she is deluded etc. I suppose I am doing this as I hope it will be a bit of a reality check and she will realise the damage her affair is doing - to our mother-daughter relationship and to the other people who are ultimately being hurt even if they don't know it at the moment. Am I being an unreasonable brat!? Is this going to achieve anything? Or should I just accept that she is doing something that a lot of people anyway? I'm worried that she will be the one who is hurt the most in the end and she has been through a lot of hurt already.

As morally wrong as it is and seeing as she has been the party that's been hurt she should know better however SHE is not having the affair, he is

My mum has been doing this for ten years. I say nowt. They are both late 60's.

It's not your place to jusge anyone. You don't have to condone or get involved but no-one is above others.

She's not with your father now so I don't think she owes you anything really. It's destructive and no doubt she'll regret it but I wouldn't be too judgemental. She's your mum. She may be deluded but she must have been lonely to have entered into this. She probably had a low self-esteem after your father cheated on her repeatedly. That's not an excuse, but I would just leave the married man to worry about his teenaged children. Do things with your mum that will make her feel less lonely, less old, more confident and more in control of her own life. 'Other Women' always get such a hard time on mn but they don't have affairs with married men because they are in a great place, with self-respect, a healthy self-esteem, power and independence etc...

Well your Mum is in a lose=lose situation.

She either puts her life on hold and waits patiently for this lying, selfish wanker to leave his wife even though it might never happen.

Or

He does leave his wife and your Mum ends up in an 'official' relationship with a lying selfish wanker.

Either way, since you originally gave your blessing to it I don't really see what you can do about it now.

Not talking to her won't help, that's just a bit childish.

That sounds so difficult for you. I think all you can do is tell her that you'll be there for her, but ultimately she is an adult, and it's up to her. I would find it really difficult too. Could you agree not to talk about it?? It would be sad to stop talking to her, as she sounds like she is lacking in self esteem and needs support really. Could you suggest counselling for her?

Oh dear,what a mess. Perhaps it suits your mum,having a part time partner who she can view at his best presumably.
I would feel the same as you.

It feels pretty childish not talking to her, but I suppose its just out of the frustration of not knowing what else to do. I feel like I'm the parent sometimes and I want her to pull her head out the sand and realise that this is not going to have a happy ending. But ultimately, she's my mum and we will probably just have to agree to disagree and then i'll be the one there to pick up the pieces when it all goes to shit. There isnt anyone else so I'll have to be. Thanks for the responses :)

you have to weigh up which is worth more - a moral principle or your relationship with your mum.
lets say you won't speak to her, so she drops the bloke, then spends her last years grieving. can you make that up to her? can you be her lover, her friend? can you comfort her?
she must have thought about the rights and wrongs, and decided to go with having a man rather than living without one. some people wouldn't make that choice. but she has. do you know for a fact that she wants him to leave his wife? she might be happy with a semi-detached relationship.
do you love her? can you forgive her?
or do you have to walk away from her because she isn't perfect?