ANOTHER weekend of bickering, rows and tears

[lucyellenmum]

Every weekend is the same, DP and i argue terribly, I end up in tears, DD ends up in tears. DP says he will leave, he doesn't, because i tell him i will change. He says i am making him into a Jekyll and Hyde and making him say horrible things to me. He has said some vile things to me this weekend and says that i am making him "lose it" and if i carry on he is worried about what he might do :( I hate seeing him like this but i try to explain to him that everyone argues but it is not normal to talk about splitting up every time we do it. We have been through so much and i thought we were coming through it. I don't want to split up, i really can't imagine my life without him but this cannot go on, its affecting our DD and i lived in a war zone i don't want this for DD. DD does play up when things are tense and of course this causes further tension between me and DP. It is such a vicious circle, tomorrow, everything will be fine and he will be telling me how i am his soul mate and he could never leave me. People have advised me to talk about it when things are calm but he says "why do you keep bringing it up, its done now" etc, but i can't talk to him when all hell is breaking lose and im trying to calm things down for DDs sake.

How can i make this right? I dont want to lose him, i have thought that we might be happier apart but aside from anything else we just can't afford to do so. I don't work, DP is self employed and barely earns enough to cover things (i am looking for work, have interview on tuesday, i wont hold my breath, i have a LOT of interviews!). The trouble is i just cannot hold my tongue when im pissed off, this morning it all kicked off because we were late for DDs activity, i was "nagging" him to hurry up - he was cleaning his teeth five minutes after we should have left, it could have waited FFS, so queue me being called all the names under the sun, in front of DD AND on the street DD joins in too, it breaks my heart.

How old is dd?

whoknows, i have a cleaning job, one hour a day, ive only done it for the past month. My not having a job is the main cause of our troubles.

He/we have had enough of the rows but we still love each other. I don't want to give up on him. Surely we can make things right again.

You both have to want to make it right. He isn't prepared to go to counselling with you, so he's not really showing that he wants to make it right too.

And why do you think your DD yells at you? Who has modelled and normalised that behaviour for her?

Allowing him to treat you this way is damaging your child. You need to stop it, now, or get out of this unhealthy relationship, for her sake?

Would he consider counselling?

It is because he thinks counselling is a pile of crap, to be fair, im starting to agree with him - i am having counselling at its doing nothing for me, in fact tomorrow i am going to tell my therapist that I am going to stop going. What i NEED to happen is for things to be OK wtih me and DP. That we become a strong and coherant family unit.

DP hates arguments, it is ALWAYS me that instigates the rows, ALWAYS, and it always ends up with discussions of us splitting, if i am honest it isn't always him that says it, but it has been lately. Neither of us want this, we just want the rows to stop.

Yes he has been a prize cunt this weekend and i have been shocked at how disgusting he has behaved towards me actually. I have never known him to be spiteful, but i could tell he was getting something out of hurting me :(

So you have got a job then, stop putting yourself down!
But your main trouble is not unemployment or your dd or any other external issue. Kidding yourself that these things are the problem are prolonging the issues for both of you.
Your problem is that instead of communicating effectively you BOTH nag,argue shout and threaten. THAT is what needs work

I agree with Cabrinha. He has to at least want to try and make things better. He has to be responsible for himself instead of saying to you its your fault.

yes, whoknows, you are exactly right - it has to stop. I think we both know this now. DP is unable to discuss it, he doesn't see the need to DISCUSS it, he just says - "we will stop doing it then". For him, it is that simple, it really is. I try and tell him that people argue but he doesn't accept this, we NEVER argued before, ever - we are both exhausted by it.

For me i can see that i should change the following:

If there is a problem, i need it sorting out NOW it can NOT wait and if it can't be resolved it fries my head.

If we argue i will cary it on, and on and on - he is right about this, I do this because i am insecure and need reassurance that he still loves me. This of course just makes things worse.

He needs to:
realilse that when im nagging him about the business its because i CARE, things NEED to be done, phone calls need to be made - he has real issues with this side of things. Where i can, i do it all for him, but often it isn't appropriate for me to make these calls. So he either needs to FUCKING DO IT, or accept that I will nag him until he does because this can mean the difference between the business doing well or going under. He is not lazy, he works so so hard, he works badly though and is disorganised. When i work with him, it goes smoothly and in that context he is quite happy for me to take control and say things like "get X done now, that is what you need to be doing Y can wait" or "come on, lets just crack this out now" So its not like every time i ask him to do stuff im nagging, that unfair, but I DO nag inappropriately sometimes, because of my own anxiety, i recognise this. I think HE needs to recognise that sometimes i do this because i am anxious and cant help it.

Like today, i just cannot tolerate being late, he thinks the world waits for him and that a half hour journey will miraculously happen in ten minutes No, we need to leave in time and we need to leave extra time in case soemthing happens (traffic). HOWEVER, i don't need to make a big song and dance and drama and upset DD by shouting about us being late when actually we arrived with ten minutes to spare

This is not me putting all the blame on myself, because he IS behaving like a cunt - I am not going to put up with it, but it is about me saying how i feel i contribute to the problem. Im sorry if it just goes on, i cant make a long story short, my specialism is making a short story long :(

You still have not explained what HAPPENS. Why are you instigagting arguments, why does he call you names?

He calls you names in front of your daughter, and then she does the same .
I am sorry, but to me, this would be the end.
Maybe you do have anger issues. He certainly does.
He doesn't respect you anymore. You probably don't respect yourself anymore.
He wont get couples counselling. So, how exactly are things going to change?
How bad does it have to get?

But what is the alternative ifnotnowwhen? Surely if we love each other it is worth fighting for?

He is putting DD to bed now, they are very close, this makes me . When he comes down i want to discuss it, but i know he isn't able to do so.

It's not going to change, leave now before it affects your daughter even more Than it already has. You can do better than this! Be strong

Please listen to all the good advice you have had on here. ifnotnowwhen sums it up

ifnotnowthenwhen

I know i come across as weak and pathetic but i do love him so very much. If i leave we will all be unhappy, but most of all DD will be because she loves him and i don't have the right to take that from her. I am going to fight for what we have, I am hoping to get some support to do that. FWIW if i read these posts written by someone else id be the first to say leave the bastard, but deep down, he isn't a bad person and we had something so very special, i refuse to believe that has gone. You don't stop loving someone after 20 years together you just don't and i cannot bear the thought of being on my own.

You have to stop the nagging, treat him as an adult and encourage him about the consequences. Make the roles clear.

DH, what role do you think I need play in the business? I will do that and put up with no shit.

DH, we need to leave at such a time. If you are not ready, I will be going out and you can explain to dd why you are late.

He knows you won't leave, maybe that's why he is being like this. I know it's easier said than done and I hope you sort it out. You sound very unhappy though.

Unless he is prepared to change and talk about it, how is it ever going to be different? If he just does what he has always done, the you would have to be certified to expect a different result!
He doesn't want to talk? TOUGH! Unless he does he is showing no commitment to you or your relationship

Your dd joins in calling you names? that's dreadful.

he is NOT your soulmate. That word is a quite bullshitty but whatever it means this man is not your soulmate. You fight about everything and you're not happy with him.

Nagging is a terribly dismissive word. It suggests that you continually ask for something and you're not being heard. Why is he not hearing you? Ask yourself that before you label yourself a nag too quickly.

There is no excuse for calling you awful names. I wouldn't call people I didn't like awful names, so how can you rationalise him doing it to you with him being your 'soulmate'.

I had counselling and thought it was excellent. I had the type where you just vent at first, and then psychotherapy. I thought it was very helpful. Can you find a different therapist?

Lucy I've been reading your thread in relationships too as you know and this is not going to resolve itself.

You know that deep down.

Go back to that thread and read it carefully.

Then read your op here.

Every post I read from you gets worse. I realise you may not want to or may not be ready to hear it but for everyone's sake you need to end this, you are now damaging your dd, is this what you want her to think a relationship should be like?

It sounds like the boundaries of your relationship have faded. Being together such a long time can make you so attached you lose where one stops and the other begins. Porto is right about making your roles clear.

Also there are any people who think that another person doing something 'makes them feel or do x". If someone poked a bear with a stick and got bitten, everyone would say it was their own fault. While your DH is not a bear and should be more in control of his emotions and able to be an adult, your behaviour sounds poor too. If you continually 'nag' then it will push his buttons. It is never OK to berate your partner but it's also not OK to badger and bother them.

My DH and I were in a very similar situation re the arguing. We went to relate. It has changed everything for us.

Also, please think about what you are teaching your daughter about 'love'. This really doesn't sound like love to me and you keep saying you love each other. What does that mean?! Are you saying it on auto pilot because you're scared of what it would mean if you faced up to the fact that you don't leave love him, or he you?

My x treated me very badly but I have made it clear to my children that that behaviour was totally unacceptable and that that was very definitely NOT love. I fear for your dd and the messages she's absorbing about 'love'.

leave him. take her, but make your standards clear. she should not call you names.

OP to me it sounds like 6 of one and half dozen of the other.

Things have obviously got quite out of hand, but I don't agree with others who have said it is all your dps fault. You admit it is partly you too, and I think you are right.

If things are this difficult at the moment, but you both still want to be together, then it will take an awful lot of work from both sides to put this right.

If you know that weekends are the most tense at the moment, and the main time when things 'kick off', then can you both talk to each other, and tell the other person the things that really trigger arguments and bad feeling.

Make an agreement that you won't 'nag' him, and he mustn't call you names.

TBH, if you know things are a bit rocky at the moment, I don't understand why you felt the need to start the day by nagging him about being late for DDs activity........is it really worth it? If things are the way you describe, why would you want to start an argument?

You have said that you are the one who starts the rows, and he doesn't want to row, so why do you do that?

There is no excuse for nasty name calling, and your DD getting involved, but I really feel that you need to both make a change here.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you need to bite your tongue sometimes, and try to get back on an even keel. Concentrate on the important issues, and pick your battles wisely. I don't think you will be together for much longer otherwise.