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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little put out?

28 replies

CoolaSchmoola · 28/10/2012 16:29

My DH and I have recently moved back to our home town. My ILs have complained that they never see enough of the DC and that they were looking forward to seeing more of them when we moved.

Shortly after we moved back we took all the ILs (PIL, BIL, SIL, DN's) out for dinner and have visited regularly. We have also had a party to which they were all invited and all came.

Today my DH has gone away for a couple of months (work not prison lol), so it's just me and the DC in the house. The ILs are aware of this. I've just discovered that they have all gone out for a meal to celebrate BILs birthday.

DC and I weren't invited.

AIBU to be a little put out that we weren't invited given that we include them in everything, and visit regularly? DH was there all day yesterday helping with something, even though he had to go away today, so didn't see much of the children. I accept they needed help, and I don't begrudge it, but this may be part of the reason I'm a bit peeved by today's development. Could be I'm feeling a bit sidelined all round.

OP posts:
PeppermintLatte · 28/10/2012 16:31

Yanbu. It seems very rude of them. I'd get your DP to mention it when he calls them.

mutny · 28/10/2012 17:07

Was it somewhere that wasn't best for kids?
Tbh I don't see anything wrong with thier son having a so meal with his family (wife and kids) and parents. You could arrange something with just your pils.

Original poster
CoolaSchmoola · 28/10/2012 17:48

The restaurant was fine for kids - it was the one we took them to.

It was the ILs who took the rest of the family out. It was all the family, not just the brother/wife/kids whose birthday they went out for (actual birthday is Weds), everyone, except me and my children, and DH obviously but he isn't here.

If it had just been the ILs, BIL, SIL, and the boys then I wouldn't have been bothered. But it was everyone except us. All the siblings, partners and kids.

They have spent the last three years complaining that they don't see the DC's enough (twice a month), but even though we're now home it's us that goes to them, us that invites them out etc. I just get the feeling that if I didn't make the effort they wouldn't bother (and would then complain they don't see the children enough.)

OP posts:
Vinomcstephens · 28/10/2012 17:49

I think that's sounds rather mean, really - so all of your husbands family have gone out to celebrate a birthday and you, his wife, and his children weren't invited? Does this mean even if your husband hadn't been going away that he wouldnt have been invited either? I know that no-one has the right to be invited to anything etc but seriously, to leave you out just seems, well, mean!

expatinscotland · 28/10/2012 17:49

YANBU. How rude of them.

PickledFanjoCat · 28/10/2012 17:50

Aw that would upset me too. Sad

onedev · 28/10/2012 17:51

YANBU - I'd be seriously peeved too & would get my DH to have a word with them as I actually think that's out of order.

Kitty5824 · 28/10/2012 17:54

Would upset me. Similar situation here, we moved back when ds was born after 5 years of hassle and other than our housewarming and a family wedding we've hardly seen Dh's family. Nowt as queer as folk!!

Yama · 28/10/2012 17:55

Horrible thing to do. However, now you have good reason to see them less, or on your terms at least.

ENormaSnob · 28/10/2012 17:55

Yanbu

That's really mean, more so as your dh has just gone away Sad

flossy101 · 28/10/2012 17:56

Yanbu, I would have been upset too and do think its quite rude of them not to include you.

Goldmandra · 28/10/2012 18:01

YANBU and I imagine you won't be making much effort to take your DCs to see you ILs while your DH is away unless said DCs are asking to go. I wouldn't.

Original poster
CoolaSchmoola · 28/10/2012 18:31

I've spoken to DH and he wasn't impressed either. Something similar happened before years ago, and he had firm words then. I think he is angry that it has happened again, more so as they have complained so often about not seeing the children enough. He is also angry that even though he spent all day yesterday helping them out instead of with us they have responded by leaving us out today.

He's not suggesting that there are conditions to his helping them, more that we changed our family plans for them yesterday, and today they excluded me and the children from their family day.

And Gold - nail on the head. It's always us that arrange things. I'm not going to stop taking the children to see them, that's wrong. But I'm going to wait to see if they actually bother to contact me first so it's highly likely they won't see them at all until he's back. The children are used to not seeing them all the time so they won't notice. If they ask though I'll take them because I won't punish my children to make a point they won't though.

OP posts:
SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 28/10/2012 18:31

YANBU. Do they not like you?

Original poster
CoolaSchmoola · 28/10/2012 19:01

They do like me, but they are inconsiderate in general.

I do think that we get sidelined until we can be of service a lot of the time. Not because they don't like me/us, but more because if we aren't doing something for them (including taking the children to see them) then we just drop off the spectrum until they want/need us again. The rest of the family are all involved with every aspect of each others lives so are constantly at the forefront.

OP posts:
degutastic · 28/10/2012 20:07

Sounds harsh of them to me Sad Unkind. YANBU.

squeakytoy · 28/10/2012 20:18

What time was the meal and what time was he going away today? Perhaps they thought that you would all be wrapped up in that and not bothered about going for a meal.

Goldmandra · 28/10/2012 21:57

I think you're being perfectly reasonable Coola. You won't stop them seeing their DGCs but you won't be making an effort to spend time with people who are completely self-serving. Who would?

MrsMuddyPuddles · 28/10/2012 22:52

Are you certain they sidelined you and it wasn't a case of them asking DH yesterday, and him being daft declining the invite as he was going to be away?

Original poster
CoolaSchmoola · 28/10/2012 22:52

He went this morning Squeaky - the meal was this afternoon.

My DH is in the Army - he goes away a lot. Although he's gone for a while it's nothing new, so there were no big goodbyes to get wrapped up in. He packed, hugs and kisses all round, got in the car and went, and we got on with our day. All very much situation normal, and they know this, he's away more than he's home. The only difference is we would normally have had a family day yesterday (if possible we like to spend a day all together before he goes anywhere), but couldn't because he was sorting out their car.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 28/10/2012 22:56

YANBU they are bloody rude ,personally I wouldn't put myself out to do anything for them in the near future.

Original poster
CoolaSchmoola · 28/10/2012 22:59

I was at their house yesterday MrsMuddles - spoke to all of them, even said Happy Birthday for Wednesday to BIL as I knew I wouldn't see him again til the following week due to his work.

Spoke to DH today - he knew nothing about it. He's not impressed and he knows better than to decline anything on my behalf without asking me hehehe!

OP posts:
ALittleBitOfMagic · 28/10/2012 23:01

YANBU ! And tbh I think they had a cheek on them allowing him to sort their car yesterday knowing he would normally be having a family day . They have been very mean leaving you out I hope you weren't too upset Sad

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 23:18

they sound like shits of the first order

yanbu

I think you and your H need to stop being quite so accomodating to them

Loveweekends10 · 28/10/2012 23:20

How rude!