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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect friends to "defriend" ex on FB

19 replies

BlackDaisies · 27/10/2012 16:48

I have namechanged for this.
I split up with my exh last year. The circumstances were pretty appalling really. I lost about 2 stone. It was the worst time of my life.
I recently discovered that a friend I would consider to be fairly close, though I don't see her very often due to distance, has not only remained friends with him on Facebook, but has added a few jolly little comments to photos he's posted up of our children. She's happily married, so nothing going on. But I feel so let down by her. I don't really know if I should say anything or not. She's one of the few people who know the whole story behind our split, and without going into detail, it was particularly upsetting and frightening.
Do you think IABU to have expected her to defriend him and say something to her (she lives miles away, would never meet him, and was only a friend through me), or should I just accept that adults can make their own decisions/ she's probably not as good a friend as I thought, and let it go.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 27/10/2012 16:54

Difficult to say without knowing the circumstances, which - fair enough - you don't need to go in to for us, but, if I am friends with a couple, them splitting up doesn't mean that I will stop being friends with / keeping in touch with either of them.

Purple2012 · 27/10/2012 16:55

Let it go. Friends on FB are not real friend, which is why I culled 200 off mine and just kept real friends and family.

Some prior like having a lot of friends as it makes them feel popular. I doubt it's done deliberately

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 16:57

I expected mine too, and they did. They were MY friends not his. Plus it caused all sorts of trouble when they were tagging me in posts and photos and he could see them.

YANBU.

I would have thought they'd show loyalty to you not him

ThursdayWillBeTheDay · 27/10/2012 17:01

If they were mutual friends of both you and your ex, then YABU.
If they were your friends who got to know him because of you, then YANBU exactly, but it's not up to you now, or ever, to tell anyone who can they can be "friends" (facebook or otherwise) with.
The fact that you have obviously thought through the "might there be something going on" scenario (and decided there isn't) says more about how hurt and sensitive you are still feeling tbh, and that's not going to change while you keep track of who he has on his FB.

Dededum · 27/10/2012 17:03

My brother has his ex wife, the 4 or 5 girlfriends he had after the divorce and new fiancée. All very wierd.

Think I would just say to your friend that you don't want her to be friends with ex. But then I always say the wrong thing so probably don't listen to me

Gimblinginthewabe · 27/10/2012 17:04

It is hard to say without knowing the circumstances. I had a friend that I thought treated her bf really badly, when they split up I didn't defriend him and I colngratulated him on his wedding on facebook. I wouldn't regard him as a real life friend but the difference is I have really distanced myself from her (although am still friends on fb).

I don't delete people unless they directly offend me. (Pisses of SIL that I don't delete people she falls out with)

digerd · 27/10/2012 17:05

All I know is, that if I were that friend, I wouldn't have contacted your ex at all. Sorry, I would feel just as you do, as if she never really cared about how upset and frightened you were. He wasn't her friend or a relative.
Do what you feel is right for you. Having a go at her on Facebook where everyone can read it? Could be a bad thing. I don't understand why she did that?

coldcupoftea · 27/10/2012 17:10

Hmm I am on the fence on this one- I am still FB 'friends' with my sister's ex and I comment occasionally on his pictures of the kids, but then they are my nephews after all.

If they had split up in really awful circumstnces I would have defriended him, eg if he had cheated or been violent. As it is, she just left him because he was a bit of a twat but I knew that already

PeggyCarter · 27/10/2012 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyGOLDDancer · 27/10/2012 17:12

I think this is a bit silly tbh. Yes, she's a grown woman and can make her own choices, and no, it doesn't make her less of a friend.

But furthermore, it's Facebook. People allow it to get far too into their lives.

Try not to let this get to you so much, chances are your friend doesn't understand how much of a big deal you think this is and therefore doesn't realise she's upset you.

digerd · 27/10/2012 17:13

ps. Yes, I think you it would be best to let it go.

crackcrackcrak · 27/10/2012 17:29

Yanbu. I didn't have to ask my friends to de friend exp (v nasty split/post split behaviour). I de friended all exp friends immediately too - no issue with them as such but more courtesy really - despite awful split we are both adults am entitled to privacy.

BillysBeastlyBogeyman · 27/10/2012 17:32

One friend asked me to, I did no problem. Barely knew him but tagged him in some photos of a night out. She found it weird another of our friends didnt and I agreed with her.

One friend currently getting divorced, only friends with her exdh through her. I asked if she wanted me to cull him and his family and she isn't bothered so I haven't. Don't want to now in case he thinks I am being mean

I would do whatever my friend wanted.

Original poster

BlackDaisies · 27/10/2012 18:36

Lots of interesting replies thanks! I do agree I probably should resist ever looking at his profile. I do it occasionally - not sure why really because I never feel happy after doing it.
I know it's only FB, and a bit of me hates the site anyway and I keep thinking I should remove my profile. Personally I wouldn't have remained friends with him if I'd been her. (She only met him through me, and only ever saw him when we were together. She even said once we'd split that she'd never liked him anyway!) Most of my close friends did defriend him straight away. I never actually asked anyone to. I guess I'm overthinking it and should let it go. But underneath I think it has changed how I see her as a friend. I only see her about once a year now though, so I suppose I can live with it.

OP posts:

RubyrooUK · 27/10/2012 20:10

I rarely think about who I am friends with on Facebook and never defriend unless someone drives me mad with their constant annoying updates. I simply don't really think about it that much.

So it's possible that when you split up, it never occurred to your friend that you would expect her to defriend her ex - simply because that wasn't at the front of her mind when using Facebook.

Are you still friends with your ex on FB too? I wouldn't think automatically that it was wrong for me to be friends with someone's ex if the couple were still friends themselves as that would imply they'd got a civil relationship.

And is it possible that your friend is commenting on the pictures because they are your kids? I always comment on pictures of my friend's children even when her ex posts them. Because they are her kids and I love them.

I might have got this all wrong OP but in any case I'd leave it. I don't think it sounds like your friend is deliberately trying to hurt you. Sounds like you are well rid of your ex though so good luck for the future!

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2012 20:17

People use facebook differently - you are assuming she uses it like you do, which is just close friends and family - however a lot of people their 'friends' list arent their actual friends, but their contacts. Some people have thousands of people on there, they don't defriend unless someone has caused them massive problems.

If she's the type that has a large number of friends then I wouldn't expect her to defriend him. It could be that she wouldn't want to seem to be petty if you are still 'friends' with him. Or that she is still expecting to be part of your DCs' lives and didn't want to cause bad feeling with their Dad regardless of what she thinks of his behaviour....

Original poster

BlackDaisies · 27/10/2012 20:25

Thanks Rubyroo. I'm not FB friends with him anymore, but I can still see some things on his profile. My friend is a lovely person really, so I'm sure she's just not thought about it. It's only the kids I've seen comments about, so maybe she's like you. It's just something I'd never do under the circumstances, so I find it difficult to understand. Another close friend agrees with me - she was shocked about it (because the split was horrific - think on a par with dv - he just doesn't deserve jolly little messages from my friends).

I am well rid of him. 18 months on and I still feel so much relief at being out of the marriage.

OP posts:

INeedThatForkOff · 27/10/2012 20:43

Sounds like she's one of the millions of FB idiots users who don't distinguish between a friend and a 'friend', iyswim. Personally I can't stand to remain in FB contact with anyone I realise I don't much like, and would almost certainly unfriend someone's ex in the circumstances you describe.

However, there seem to be a huge number of FBers who are really only interested in the numbers, and how apparently popular they are. As for the chatty comments on his pics, I think I'd be pissed off about that.

3LittleHens · 27/10/2012 21:14

I wouldn't be at all impressed if she was my friend.
It would really make me question the friendship.
Is she really a good friend of yours, or just very very shallow?
It must be very gutting for you especially after what you have been through, and particularly if she was there for you when it was all happening.
I wish you lots of luck for your future.

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