... to fancy DW after a 2xMX bc

[thingydoodad]

sorry. I know all the terminology about bc . DW has had a bc 2xMC at the age of 32. She had beautiful thrupennies before hand now she had big fuck off scars running slightly diagonally up either side where her boobies were.

She's, to me is gorgeous. She's changed, her bodies changed but I lover her physically, emotionally and well badly described bloke stuff to say she everything I fancied before and after.

I'm pissing her off deeply by not being worked up by the lack of boobies... they were big 34EE now they gone she weren't defined by tits. she's the person i married.

I've seen the scars I know she so headfucked by it... c'mon birds tell me how to make her feel beautiful loved wanted needed and we;ll everything I still want and btw im trying very hard to be PC and MN here but we have a very active lovelife but AIBU to ask her to take her top off when she gets on top every now and again... not evry time just one in a while, she's got curves and shoulders and hips and hair back and I fancy her like rotten. AIBU to want to see her nekkid?

but fwiw i doubt there is much you can do to encourage her to get 'nekkid', except don't go on about it. She'll be comfortable when she's comfortable and if you badger her you'll piss her off even more.

I'm not sure what to do, but I think it's a common thing for the wife (in this case) to not be as accepting as the husband. Try imagining how you'd feel if you had to have your bollocks removed and aggressive treatment as well, and if you'd feel sexy and willing just because your wife told you she didn't see the problem, you were still the same person.

You're not wrong - neither of you are - but there is nothing you can do to stop the way you are feeling right now so I think just love and affection without being touchy-feely and wanting a shag all the time (generalising, but you get the idea!) is probably the way forward.

Despite the bird comment I think you sound lovely

Maybe its harder for her because it's not an issue for the rest of her family.

What a massive head fuck to go through this and at such a young age.

Maybe she feels you're pitying her or just being nice but not genuine?

You sound like a total rock to your wife, and I'm sure she really appreciates how supportive you are. I think you should carry on as you are with the compliments and encouragement, I don't think you can do any more at the moment.
Maybe try not to mention the topless thing too much though, and in time when she has gained some confidence back, she may be more up for getting naked with you. You never know, she may just surprise you one night.
You've both been through a hell of a lot, but for her it will take a lot longer to come to terms with it all.

Hello OP
Do let us know if you would like us to move your thread out of AIBU

fuckwittery I would like to see DW nekkid... love to she's gorgeous and yes ME wants it. I don't force her its not minitue by minute I ask every now and again that the lights go on, we get out from under the devet and she doesn't wear a tshirt. She can grieve as long as its necessary my point probably badly made is how do I help her to get on with life and realise that my internal topography and vision of her is no different. Objectively i can look at the scars and then remap it to the woman I know before and still love now.

Ok I'm fortunate I've got a stash of pics of her in all stages of our time together. Her boobies we different when we got to gether , differnet after each of the children and different now.

BeauNeidel I comprehen and take on board your points. also sorry about my use of the word bird Its from my lower working class, sink estate upbringing. sometimes I slip back into the gutter.

Paintedinred I'm not much of a rock just an ordinary bloke trying to go about life in as much of a resonable, obvious and sensible way as possible.

I know DW is really worked up about what others think the thought to her of her prosthese bra being visible to others fills her with dread, I can understand that... as to the reconstructive surgury I'm trying to help pay for it when she takes that step (I don't trust the NHS to do a decent job and I think botched reconstruction will fuck her up 10 times more.

My mum had NHS reconstructive surgery after cancer. She looks great and the surgeons were fantastic.

I suggest you at least have a chat with the NHS surgeons, as most of the people I know who had botch jobs had gone private.

Don't be afraid of an NHS reconstruction. Many of the best surgeons work in both the NHS and private sector. I have seen brilliant NHS reconstructions. Save your money for something like a special holiday today. Have lots of cuddles, sit together on the sofa. Just be close physically and tell her you love her to build up the trust and intimacy again.

You seriously referred to us as 'birds' in your OP?!

Yes we're 'birds'. He's already explained the way he talks. Get over it.

The guy has a serious problem and he's asking for help.

To me, it sounds like its all about you - what you want, how you feel. You want your wife to feel like 'herself' because that version of herself is sexually uninhibited and sexually confident.

Now, I may be off-beam - but if that's what I'm hearing, it could well be what your wife is hearing too. Its just another set of demands being made on her body. Again, I don't think this is what you mean but it could bewhat she hears. You need to give her time. Lots and lots of time.

And I would definitely go NHS for reconstructive surgery btw. The best surgeons work both NHS and privately. And you want someone highly experienced in reconstruction, rather than cosmetic if you see what I mean.

I think there might be confusing things going in your wife's head, OP.

Firstly, she probably isn't feeling very sexy. You don't say how long ago she had her mastectomy (unless I missed that...?) But whenever it was, she is still obviously getting her head around it. Maybe she's still in pain. Maybe the scars feel awkward or ugly to her. Maybe they itch or feel irritating. So right now she doesn't feel sexy. But you do, and that's going to be problematic, even if it's no-one's fault. Maybe she feels guilty. Maybe she feels pressured. Maybe she feels stupid to feel the way she does.

(I know that when my mum had her mastectomy, which she really had not wanted, she showed me her scar often and wanted me to reassure her that it wasn't ugly, and that she wasn't ugly :( )

I think three things might help here: (a) Time, (b) Take the focus off her breasts for a while - not just when you have sex, but at other times. Tell how how sexy you find her brains, her sense of humour, her hair, her bum, whatever... Help her see what you have said here: that her breasts are only a tiny bit of what you love about her... And (c) Imagine how you'd feel if you'd had to have your penis removed. Seriously. Her breasts are every bit as important to her identity as that and possibly more so, since I guess your penis isn't quite as visible to other people! If you can empathise with what she's feeling, it might help you understand some of the complicated things going on in her head...

The other thing that jumps out at me is that your wife is caught up in other people's reactions and 'mixed messages' - not just yours, but across the board. She (and both of you) will probably have been through a whole gamut of feelings: fear, anger, relief, grief, etc... Meanwhile, she'll also be trying to 'manage' other people's reactions and emotions, and that adds to the confusion. For example, she'll be protecting your children from the fear, but simultaneously pretending that she is smiling at them dancing around with her prosthesis on their heads. Friends probably help her relax, but also pity her. Even you are giving a bit of a mixed message, simultaneously saying you think she's sexy as she is, but also saving for a breast reconstruction. It's an almost-impossible balancing act, and it makes it hard for her to work out and work through her own feelings.

Of course you can't change what goes on in anyone's head. But you can reassure your wife that whatever she is feeling is OK. (The jargon is 'validating her emotions') If you can let her feel whatever she is feeling - accepting the bad as well as the good - it will help. :)

Sorry you've been through such a rough time. Cancer is horrific.

However, you're coming across as very, very pushy and impatient (even though it sounds like you love your wife very much). It sounds like you're saying "get over it right now. Forget about it, I still fancy you, what's the problem?" But she's probably traumatised, and it might take years, if ever, to get over it. Sex is probably the last thing on her mind. It sounds like she needs lots of peace and no demands, rather than someone expecting her to immediately feel inhibited and swinging from the chandeliers. I would back right off. And maybe gently stop the children from swinging her prostheses around laughing about her "boobies", which probably isn't helping her confidence in any way.

I think I read it differently from other posters. I think you deeply love your wife, find her attractive and you want to help her feel comfortable, and sexy again, in her own skin. Although your OP did concentrate on sex, I am getting the impression that you want help with how to make her feel comfortable in her skin, so that you can see her naked eventually, but also that she will feel comfortable.

I do agree with other posters that actually her body has been through a hell of a lot and her mind might it have caught up yet. She will be upset at the loss of her breasts and might feel uncomfortable for a long time yet.

What I would recommend is being sensual rather than sexual with her. It's great that you find her attractive but I doubt she believes you right now. Work on massages (her back if she'll let you), continue the compliments but make them about how great she is, not just how sexy you find her, give her hugs that are just hugs, not leading to sex etc. be generous with kisses but again not leading anywhere. Do small things that make her feel valued and loved, and most of all let her become happy in her own skin. If she gets to that stage then maybe she will start being more open with you. Things like paying for nails, hair treatments, giving her flowers.

These things won't work overnight. She has to feel loved, special and secure first. She has been through so much, it isn't really a surprise that she feels anxious about this is it?

Also ask her about constructive surgery and find out her thoughts about the procedure (she may want it, equally she may not want more surgery). She has to lead these talks and you have to listen.

I think you sound caring and it's clear that you love her but this is just another stage of cancer and you have to continue to be there for her, and let her know that you support her and any decision she makes. Good luck for you, your dear wife and your DC.

Cancer is a bastard x

Ok - I had a C-section to have dd and struggled for a while with accepting the scar and my body.

As a result when we had sex I wanted dh to avoid the scar area when he touched me. Which he did even though he wasn't any more bothered by it tan I am by the scars on his left hand from where he fell off h's bike and smashed his hand up.

But when he got near the scar I would immediately think about it and wonder if he truly didn't mind, and wonder hw bad it really was, and if it would improve ever. All of which were slightly off putting for what I was supposed to be thinking about!

So just gve your wife time and let her get used to it in general. During sex is not the time.

I think you come across as awful, impatient, rude and insensitive. Stop going on about her "boobies", stop going on about your needs over hers and stop trying to pressure your wife into fitting into your vision of how she should be.

Let her grieve and get used to her own body and her new body shape. Your desires are not relevant right now. Support her. Ask her outright. "I realise I've come across as very pushy and insensitive over this, and for that I'm sorry. I love you and wanted to try and help but I realise I approached it badly. What can I do to help? How would you like me to support you through this?"

The best thing you can probably do is back the hell off and support her in other ways. The rest will come.

See, I dont see the OP as awful, insensitive or rude. I see a guy who loves his wife for who she is, not what she looks like, has supported her through cancer, is still supporting her, and just wants her to be happy. He sounds frustrated that there's nothing he can do to help, and is doing the best he can. He may not be doing the right thing, but its better than ignoring her.
Can you imagine if his wife posted "Ive had a double mastectomy, Im having trouble coming to terms with it, my husband won't look at me, doesnt mention it and Im feeling really alone"?

I don't know which is worse, the husband who won't look at his wife or the one who won't stop pestering her. She's clearly not in the right head space to process everything atm (and who can blame her), so he should allow her some emotional space instead of keep pressuring her to get "nekkid".

Well... the OP came here asking for advice. I say good on him. He obviously cares very deeply and realises that the way he is handling things isnt working. You cant knock him for that.