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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how bad wd it be to not go to dd,s first nativity play

51 replies

stella1w · 25/10/2012 23:20

It clashes with the release of a major report/presentation which is a huge deal for our firm, my dept, and my boss.
My job insecure.
I will ask for the time off but the last time i asked for leave because a close friend had died, he agreed but reluctantly.
Want to work out if any consensus on first nativity play trumps work event or not
So wondering

OP posts:

Boomerwang · 26/10/2012 00:48

Judge your DD's enthusiasm. If my kid was bursting with pride about her spot in the play I'd cross my fingers and just go.

MrRected · 26/10/2012 01:02

Personally, I think I wouldn't miss it. It would be a huge issue for me.

Having said that I totally acknowledge that I have the support of my DH. Your situation is very difficult.

At the end of the day - feeding and clothing your DD is more important than a nativity play. If I were you, I'd be looking for a different job. I have never worked in a job (and I am a senior manager) where personal priorities were so under-valued. You shouldn't be scared to place value on your family because you feel your job is insecure - to me that a form of professional bullying.

halcyondays · 26/10/2012 07:59

I don't think it's early to have the dates, we've already got ours, it makes it easier for people who need to arrange time off work. They also have it on two days, which helps. Evening performances might be a bit of an issue for some young kids who would get overtired, plus some parents work in the evenings and so it may be a problem for them to bring their kids out then.

I'd hate to miss it because I love seeing them in the nativity, but I can't even remember if anyone was there to watch any of mine or not, my mum was a teacher so probably not, and can't remember if my dad came.

halcyondays · 26/10/2012 08:01

I think it's pretty poor of an employer to only agree reluctantly to time off when a close friend had died. Most employers would be a bit more understanding.

jamdonut · 26/10/2012 08:12

Try working in a school...employers even less sympathetic about funerals of close friends etc...that's because we have the "holidays" to do personal stuff. So please, if you know me well, don't die during term time.

MrsCampbellBlack · 26/10/2012 08:16

How difficult but you know I'd go to work in that situation - having a job next year probably more important than seeing nativity. But I bet school will let you see dress rehearsal and our school video it so parents can buy afterwards.

Its unfortunate but not the end of the world.

Acekicker · 26/10/2012 09:08

Honestly, given the situation with work I wouldn't even ask about getting time off. I missed DS nativity as I was a 4 hour flight away with work - neither him no me were particularly bothered by it. I've also not been to a single sports day either and he seems fine about it.

I had parents who were teachers and because they were always doing their own school plays, sports days etc they never came to anything I did at school either - it's not a big deal from a childs perspective in my experience. I understood from a very early age that it didn't mean my parents didn't love me as much as other kids' parents, weren't supportive etc, it was just that they had jobs and they had to be there. I suspect you will probably feel worse about it than DD will.

If at all possible try to make sure there is someone there for DD, either another family member or another parent who you could ask to wave especially to DD etc. I've done that a few times and DS seems to appreciate it. Also ask the school if there will be any photos / recording etc made available.

WilsonFrickett · 26/10/2012 10:07

You say 'it clashes with the release' - is there a chance the bulk of the work will be done and dusted and you could nip out for an hour to see it? (They only last 20 - 30 minutes, not sure if you knew that with it being your first). Often in my work the actual 'day' of the event is sort of the non-event, iyswim? You could maybe say to your boss 'I'd like to put this on your radar, obviously if things are still up in the air I won't go, but if x,y and z has happened, how would you feel about me nipping out for an hour or so'. Sort of paving the way, but leaving you to make the final decision on the day?

I hope you can work it out, but as a lone parent, keeping your job trumps the nativity, obviously.

GhostofMammaTJ · 26/10/2012 10:10

I am so lucky in that in working nights, the only thing I have to miss out on for things like these is sleep!! That is an easy choice to make.

I don't know how you can ever make this decision. Ask your boss for leave but don't be surprised if you don't get it. Your job has to come first in the current climate. Ask the HT is they are videoing it. Hopefully they will.

TunipTheVegemal · 26/10/2012 10:11

I wouldn't even ask. There are a staggering number of events at schools these days - it's not just once a year. Ignore the social pressure that says you have to go, and concentrate on keeping your job.

I am so fed up with the bloody rule that says women have to be in the shit or feel shit whatever they do

BlueberryHill · 26/10/2012 10:13

Whilst difficult, work needs to be the priority this time, agree try to get GP to go. I know my DS loved having someone there to see his, but I managed to go and DH went to the evening one.

BookieMonster · 26/10/2012 10:43

Feeding and clothing your child trump attending a 20 minute performance. It's a horrible dilemma and I feel very on your behalf.

giveitago · 26/10/2012 11:33

I missed ds's first nativity thing at at school as I'd just started a new job. Had to miss it. Felt bit sad but a year along the line it really means nothing in the bigger scheme of parenting.

Depends on how you feel about school plays and all that really. I can't get involved as much as I'd like but I also have responsibilities at work - that thing that keeps roof over head, keeps us fed clothed etc.

My view is is that if ds feels it, then I feel it. I keep it light and he doesn't feel left out in that way so it's not so bad. I do my best but I can't be everywhere at every single moment of the day. Plus our school is not great at giving lots of notice.

What I wring my hands about is when the school gives you three days notice for some weird outfit that has to be cobbled together. I just can't do it as I can't get to shops in time and I don't want him to feel different. It's not even enough me to try and order something on line.

12ylnon · 26/10/2012 13:13

Is there a grandparent/ aunt/ uncle/ family friend that can go? I misses DS's christmas show in reception and while i would have loved to have been there, i just couldn't get the time off, and he was more than happy to have his granddad and nanna there to watch him.

I would say, if your job is insecure, it is more important to be feeding your family than to be attending a half-hour performance that your DD probably wont remember in a few short months.

apostropheuse · 26/10/2012 21:30

worra I'm grateful for your appreciation. It's amazing what you can do if you really try

I can assure you it was a feat of endurance!

Ithinkitsjustme · 26/10/2012 21:36

I've been lucky enough to always been able to work around one showing of the play, whether the formal "Parents" version, or the one for the rest of the school, or even just a dress rehearsal. Our school also releases a fund raising dvd of the event (maybe you could suggest this if it isn't already done). I think in your situation I'd try to find someone special to go on the day but try to watch an alternative format.

FizzyLaces · 26/10/2012 21:40

As the mother of a teen (and a wee one), I would miss the nativity if I was in your position. Make sure a Granny/someone who loves your child enormously goes in your place which will be just as special for your wee one in a different way.

And get used to it, things like this happen a lot when you are a working parent

Your daughter will not mind too much and a trip to santa's grotto or similar will fix it :)

3bunnies · 26/10/2012 21:55

I have been lucky enough to go to all the plays etc, but in your situation I would sadly miss it. What will make a happier Christmas/New Year, you seeing the play or keeping your job? You could float it as an option if all is well with the launch, but there will be another play along soon, your dd probably already understands that mummy has to work. Our school also allows videoing, although they don't tend to say it until you are in the room, so send a video in case, but don't promise in case the person isn't allowed to/cant operate it/ runs out of memory etc.

lucyellenmum · 26/10/2012 22:04

My DD would be devestated if i didn't go to her school play, I would just take the time off as annual leave, can you just take the morning or afternoon off?

You will notice that the first things children do when they enter the hall is look around for their mummy's and daddy's.

Could your DH go instead?

Bigwheel · 26/10/2012 22:20

If another family member can go then get them to, no major issues then. If not how important is it to your daughter that you are there? Could you get another parent that you both know to give her a big smile and wave and go out for a nice treat together after work? Could another parent / teacher take photos / videos for you? It's tough but you need to keep your job.

BambinoBoo · 26/10/2012 22:22

Go to your DC's nativity and start looking for a new job. Seriously, your boss was reluctant to give you time off for a bereavement; sounds like an utter twat.

I went to DS first nativity last year. It was pretty dull, but when we it got out he said "I saw you mummy,but didn't wave because I'm a boy".

BambinoBoo · 26/10/2012 22:23

big boy that was meant to say. Stupid iPad.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 26/10/2012 22:29

I missed my DD's first Nativity and I was a SAHM. Because my DS2 was just 13 days old, exclusively BF, and no babies were allowed. Not even at the dress rehearsal. I remember that I wasn't there. She doesn't!

By Y1/Y2 she would remember, and it'd be highly unlikely that it will clash AGAIN.

This year, you have to work. Get her Nan, or a friend you both know, to be there in the audience so that she has a friendly face to smile at. And don't beat yourself up, you will more than likely be there next year. And she might do more than dance across the stage in a star costume next year, too!

Cahoots · 26/10/2012 22:30

Send DM and all get together later so they can tell you how it went. I don't see this as a biggie at all. There will be plenty of other opportunities to watch your DD perform.

MrsCantSayAnything · 26/10/2012 22:32

Go to the Nativity. But if you don't PLEASE lie and tell your dc that you were there and they were wonderful.

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