To think we've caused this?

[BobbysBeardOfWonder]

DD is 2.3. She has always been a little shy in new surroundings, waits her turn for toys at playgroup etc, but once at home/with people she knows is very boisterous, carefree and confident.
DH and his side of the family have always been the type to say 'be careful' or 'that's dangerous' over the smallest of things. Eg running , jumping, in fact most toddler-typical activities. I get very exasperated with it but now mostly let it wash over me.

However, I'm started to wonder whether all this 'being careful' is actually affecting DD's normal personality. For the past few weeks she has been increasingly clingy, refusing to do normally-loved activities like swimming & jumping in the pool (she just wants to cling to me), climbing on soft blocks at playgroup (wants me to hold her hand, whereas she has previously climbed all over them on her own), and starts crying when any other child plays with something she wants to play with.

This could well be standard 2-year old behaviour, but it's the clingyness and restraint that I'm worrying we have caused, due to excessive 'be careful's all the feckin time

I mentioned it to DH yesterday after an unhappy swimming lesson; he seemed blissfully unaware that a) she is becoming this way and b) he says 'be careful' or 'dangerous' far too much.

It's making me sad to think that we're inadvertently numbing our DD's wonderful playful self. :( I'm also hoping it's just a phase, but would love to have some clear reason why DH should stop his alarmist parenting.

I'm not entirely convinced it makes much difference if you say "be careful" to kids.

DS1 aged 7 is a very cautious child. I never had to tell him to be careful, he was naturally careful and rarely does anything remotely anxiety-provoking.

DS2 aged 3.5 on the other hand, is wild. I'm constantly telling him to watch out, be careful, mind the wall/road/hedge/cliff edge/train track etc etc, and he doesn't take the blindest bit of notice of me, just goes ahead and does what he wants.

Kids also go through phases. Something they loved last week can suddenly seem scary to them.

To be honest, I'd be inclined to think that a constant background voice saying "be careful" would be easy to block out after a while, so paradoxically it would have far less effect than I parent who rarely got anxious suddenly shouting "be careful".

Right, so when DD is having a risk-averse moment, what is the recommended response? Encourage her to do it anyway (even though she might cry/whinge/etc) ? Or try again later?

go with the flow - let her do it as long as she is safe but let dh have his say too

don't overthink these things

"'you'll hurt yourself and then you'll have to go to hospital won't you'"

Well that´s quite a step up from the generic "be careful" that most of us who say/said it probably used!

Tis true I've heard SiL say that to her DC a few times.

You are right. I am over cautious because I was my mother's PFB - she had relaxed by the time she had my siblings. I have consciously not done it with mine and kept my fears to myself.

"so when DD is having a risk-averse moment, what is the recommended response?"

Well yes I´d encourage/help, but if they really don´t want to-leave it & try again.

Do whatever it is yourself . Pet the dog, climb the ladder, paddle in the sea. Within their comfort zone as well, of course don't go on a roller coaster where they can see you and they think you are being killed and scream bloody murder, great DM MrsTerry.

I'm finding this very very interesting to read. Although I don't have children yet, I'm 3 months pregnant and have always worried I'm going to be this kind of parent who's so bloody anxious about her kids wellbeing she turns them into simpering idiots. Which obviously I don't want. I think it's going to be tougher to avoid that than I initially thought...

When she's worried just tell her she can do it if she wants, make sure she knows help is available if she wants it and let her choose not to do it if she wishes.

Trying to spur her on to do something she's scared of will make her far more risk averse than nagging her about being careful.

When DH starts with the nagging could you add to his comments to make them more positive? E.g. "What Daddy means is, remember to keep your feet off other children's fingers" or "Wait until the slide is clear before you come down".

Then you're not telling her it isn't safe, you're reminding her how to keep herself and others safe.

If he says she'll end up in hospital ask him to look around him and work out how likely he really thinks that is.

Children believe what we tell them at this age - so 'be careful' is fine but "you will hurt yourself!" becomes truth - and of course your DD doesn't want to hurt herself, so she doesn't want to do the thing that will make her hurt herself.

Tell your H that she's internalized not "do this with caution and attention" but "this will hurt me." and tell him that unless he wants a teenager on anti-anxiety medication it's got to stop.

And I agree with the do it yourself response.

As a caveat, DS is 2.3 too and just coming out of a chronic clingy phase that lasted a month or so. Didn't even want his (usually beloved) Daddy, just wanted to cling to me. It's easing off a bit but it's been hard work! not sure what 's caused it, but hope it's a bit of a phase for you too.

I agree that it's relatively normal 2yo behaviour but he isn't helping.

But what he could do instead is to minimise risk without showing this to dd. For example if dd climbs a wall he goes next to her because 'he wants to join the fun' and so he can catch her if she falls. This should make him more comfortable?

That's brilliant. Also, providing risk-assessed opportunities to take risks IYSWIM - asking her if she thinks the road is clear while you are still firmly holding her hand, taking her to age-appropriate swing parks and softplay centres, etc.

I think some of it might be down to her actual personality as well as her upbringing.

DD1 was very similar to your dd, she wouldn't do anything that even looked slightly dangerous, she wouldn't even go down slides at that age. She is 8 now and getting better but still a bit cautious.

DS is the complete opposite. Will chuck himself head first down a slide if he has the chance.

They have been raised the same although dh is the more cautious parent whereas I tend to just leave em to get on with it.

DD2 is showing signs of being very similar to DD1.

you need to speak to him and demonstrate the world won't end if she takes a tumble or two, my mother in law still fusses around my h and worries about everything be careful, it's so dangerous these days etc she even phones each night to make sure he got home ok from work, my saying yes he's here and is just having a shower, changing etc doesn't cut any ice she needs to speak to him, he laughs about it but i can see it winds him up, still he very young at 49!

It might just be her personality. My ds at 8 is incredibly risk averse, he's Mr
Health and Safety. However he was always encouraged to be independent and take managed risks as a young child. My dd is always being told to be careful because she doesfall over a lot and always has been a very accident prone child, with many trips to the hospital. It doesn't stop her though and she's a very physical child who climbs, runs and jumps without thinking about it.

Try joining in with her with some physical activities. Maybe find something like a climbing centre which has parent and toddler sessions so she can find out that falling is ok and doesn't have to hurt!

She often climbs over the sofas in our living room & hauls herself along the seat like a slide maybe I should actively encourage this!

We go to a toddler group with lots of semi soft blocks to climb up & jump off; I'll try to not get annoyed with her reluctance in future as I think she senses my frustration . I just want my daredevil DD back

This is really interesting, I'm glad to read these replies. My 16 month old DD is very active and can climb ladders, run and jump off small things etc. I just let her (within the bounds of safety) because I don't want to be constantly saying 'no' or making her feel like she can't challenge herself. A few people have made comments or even worse, walked past me and gone to get her down from a chair etc. I'm glad I'm raising a fearless child!

I wouldn't encourage her to climb over the back of the sofa but purely because if my kids clambered all over my new sofa, I'd tell them off for potentially damaging the sofa!

But on things that are meant to be clambered on, e.g. trees, climbing frames, rocky bits on the beach, I'd encourage her to do stuff, but never push her to the point where you make her frightened. That would be unfair. Some people aren't physically courageous - but we don't live in a world where you have to go out an club a wolf for dinner - so what's the problem? Kids get opportunities to develop their physical skills through stuff like martial arts, gymnastics, and other sports once they get to school age. In the meantime, the important thing is physical activity - go run round the grass in the park, exercise and build up stamina, that's more important than having a 3 year old who does the zip wire :)