To not want to pay for family to come to UK

[Beaverfeaver]

My PIL's have booked a house for BIL/SIL and their two children to stay in over Xmas week as none of us have enough room to accommodate them.

PIL's don't think they will pay for it, which I think is bad enough, but now other BIL's who live in UK have got wind of this and have asked us all to contribute money towards the cost of the house so that PIL's aren't footing the bill.

My opinion is that BIL and his family are grown ups. It's their choice to come back and they should be footing the bill.
We payed a lot of money to go over to them last year for their wedding and no one contributed to our costs.

We also are not in the best position to be helping them out as we paid out for our own wedding this year and my job is very much on rocky ground at the moment.

This sort of thing drives me up the wall an makes me want to call MIL and explain what all her sons are thinking of doing.
It doesn't feel like it should have been my business at all, but they made it my business when it will affect me financially.

BIL and his family are perfectly well off too, much more than we are, so I feel very annoyed by being asked.

AIBU?

BIL from abroad is happy with house choice

Don't pay. You were not asked about the arrangement. Whoever booked the house is liable to pay for it. It should have been discussed before the booking. Suggest they cancel it if they can't afford it. And then they will only lose the deposit. This thinking people are cheapskates is quite ridiculous. The cheapstakes are the people who book holidays and then want other folkl to pay for them.

Rather a cheapskate than a mug!

Does BIL want to come over?

If someone booked something for me without asking I wouldn´t expect to pay.

But Blu is far more diplomatic. I'd go with that. Don't apologise!

Your DH doesn't have to say he can't afford it. He can email back an "I don't think that's appropriate." message. With onimous hints at how rude UK BIL is being to their parents and Overseas BIL if he thinks he can get aways with it.

I don't really think you should tell MIL. Though your DH should if he thinks she would be annoyed/upset/horrified by UK BIL's plan.

Also agree with others that your DH spending money you can't really afford in order to save face with his brothers would be out of order. Hope that isn't really on the cards.

then if BIL is happy with the house choice, it must be within his budget. If he agreed to pay for something but was lying, then that's your PIL problem, not your DH's to fix.

I like Blu's e-mail, possibly add "has BIL's financial situation changed since he agreed to rent this house?"

It could well be overseas BIL fully intends to pay for it and would be surprised/embarrassed to be told it's been paid for him.

I am confused. If your BIL is concerned about your in laws being stick with the costs, why doesn't he speak to the brother who is coming over and incurring the costs? Why speak to your DH?

Hermione - exactly!

This is all a bit strange.

Why isn't BIL paying for the house hire? Can they not afford it? Do you normally all get together for Christmas or is this a super-special one-off occasion?

Where I am trying to get to if that if BIL and family are very short of cash and this is a big one-off special thing, then I think you should actually bite the bullet and contribute, even if it's a token gesture and what you can afford. This is on the basis that it's Christmas and it's a one-off and it will be wonderful for PIL and BILs to have their whole family together.

I would write an email to BIL and copying the rest in saying:

"I'm so sorry to hear you're having financial difficulties, we know what that's like as I'm currently worried about being made redundant and we haven't finished paying for our wedding yet. We would love to see you but please don't feel you have to visit if you're finding it a struggle at the moment. I hope we all get the chance to meet up when our financial situations improve".

BIL from abroad have already paid thousands of $ on flights, so they are definitly coming back.
They are plenty well off enough to pay for the house.
They wanted to stay with family, but no one can fit them, and this is why PIL's have booked the house (which is just with a friend of a friend, so i dont think it would be a big problem if it ends up getting cancelled anyway)

Why don´t PILs think that it will be paid for?

Have they reason to think that, would you say?

If so, then of course they should just have passed on details.

We live abroad and wouldn't dream of getting anyone else to foot our bill for us!

Just say no! No one can forcibly take the money from you, so just stick to your guns.

Ridiculous that you are being asked.

Email everyone ASAP before things get rolling and the accommodation is paid for and the expectations laid in stone. Maybe just email all the BIL's at the moment and let them decide if they need to approach FIL for extra cash.

Dear all,
We are really looking forward to seeing BIL family very soon. DH and myself would love to have helped towards the visit costs but finances are very tight at the moment. Regretfully we are unable to give any money. I am not sure you are aware but my job situation looks rather rocky at the moment and we have already had a very expensive year due to two special weddings.

Your DH needs to man up. BIL's wont like it but in the long run it will mean that the relationship is more honest.

It sounds like some very sensitive politics behind the scenes.
Like PILs are insisting on paying even when they can't afford it, but why does no one want to tell BIL who lives abroad that, would he mind paying?

If PILs can easily afford it, then why do BILs-in-UK want everyone else to club together?

I´d just tell them "no can do".

Maybe BIL is pissed at not being put up by someone, FIL taken it upon himself to book & only thinks he won´t be paid for it.

It is tricky when people live tousnds of miles away, and I can see that ideally PIL would like to invite them over and invite them to stay with them, and that paying for their accommodation is another way of hosting.

Also, culturally some families see family money as communal money to some extent, and that paying towards other family members is a way of life rather than a pragmatic or needs-based thing.

Do you normally exchange presents with them? Perhaps contribute the cost of the present to the cottage in lieu of a present? This is the only circumstance in which I would pe parted with any money.

Otherwise, what they^all said.

Similar thing happened to my dh and i. His dsis and her dh came over fron Spain with their three children. We were unable to accomodate them at the time because of lack of space.
MIL expected dh and i to contribute to hotel costs for sil and family. I was against this, because at the time, myself and dh were experiencing financial problems. I also think that if one cannot afford to travel, then one should stay at home and not expect everyone else to foot the bill.
Dh eventually told his mother that he was not in the position to pay the hotel cost, but would be willing to have them stay at our home, if they didn't mind
the cramped conditions. Sil refused and ended up paying for a hotel....

You are not BU. just respond by email that you are not able to help out due to a heavy year with your own. Wedding.