AIBU or is he? Work/housework etc row

[newmummytobe79]

I?d like a bit of perspective on this please. I know we?re both tired and baby not sleeping isn?t helping, but I just feel that all my husband does at the moment is insult me. Yes I was p*ssed off that our baby was up again last night, but I just wanted a discussion about whether we should make baby stay in cot and cry it out or come in with us. This turned into a fight about work!

I?ve just gone back part-time and it?s been a bit of a shock to the system but I?m really enjoying it. He said something along the lines of ?oh just because you have to get up for work ? I?ve not stopped working!? as if I?ve sat on my arse for the last how many months.

He knows our child isn?t the easiest and in the past has admitted that there is no way on earth he could cope being at home with baby every day. It then escalates into a row about how ?of course you can still do all the housework on your days off ... (and here?s the corker that drove me bonkers!) ... because that?s the woman?s job!!! I was fuming! I do all the cleaning and washing etc and I?m knackered. I just said I?d maybe like a bit of help! I?d like to take my baby out on my days off but always feel there is something to be done in the house (and it never seems to look any tidier!).

In the light of day, I?m not as angry as I was at 2am, but his words and sexist pig opinions have really hurt. I just feel he sees me as ?the woman at home? when in reality my maternity pay paid half the mortgage and so will the pay from my part-time job so I?m hardly a kept woman , shopping and lunching every day!

Is he being unreasonable or am I?

I am in the position where I work full time-DS is in paid care for 3 days and 2 days with DP (so possibly similar to OP)
I do all evening meals for DS, look after DS full time all weekend -generally on my own as DP tired- oh and DP finds it difficult to do household tasks with DS around so doesn't - with the result that I do it at the weekend.
After putting DS to bed in the evening I tidy the house etc- during bed time/tidying time DP sits and watches the tv as a day spent with DS is tiring ( i would point out that I literally don't get to sit down and watch tv until 10.30)- today I am working from home- so have been up from 5-9am with DS while DP had a deserved lie in

I find my weekends infintely easier than my workdays- but i guess its personal

No it's not a competition Annakin, but you said you can't care for a whingey baby properly and do the housework, which implies that those who do are neglecting them! I disagree!

Tomverlaine

That's not really an aspirational lifestyle you have going on there

Just because you have a rubbish DP doesn't mean anyone else should be encouraged to put up with one

No what I am saying is that its not as clear cut as everyone else seems to be saying.
i was too strong in my first response (it has been a bad few days at work/home) but I think you have to look at the work loads objectively (and i think women's work comments are despicable) and work out how to allocate fairly for you and for DP. It gets distorted in my house as looking after DS counts as work for DP but fun for me- so the allocation is a bit off.

When does your DP actually spend time with his child tomverlaine?

If you are happy fair enough but it sounds more than "a bit off" IMO

tom - so you are married to a useless twunt as well! Why is your DP 'too tired' and you aren't? Lazy twat IMO.

OP - get a cleaner, but your DH is being totally unreasonable. Did you not realise he was a sexist pig before you married him and had a baby?

It's very, very often the case that a man only shows his true colours as a woman-hating fucknugget after the first child arrives. Because up until then its been easier to gloss over or ignore the fact that he considers himself more important than her, and entitled to her obedience and submission. She will keep telling herself (and be encouraged by society and culture in general, still) to 'pick her battless' and 'not worry about the little things' every time she lets him have his own way so as to avoid sulks, rows or him threatening to leave her.
But once there's a baby to look after, and particularly if she goes on maternity leave or becomes SAHM, the man starts a) sulking that he's not her top priority any more and b) insisting on more service from her as now he is the Money Earner and therefore he owns her.

i think if one half of a partnership expected to do no housework due to working full-time then they should expect to pay for either a cleaner or childcare for the time that their partner is 'supposed' to be doing the housework. however, in a family, that money would obviously come from family budget and would need to be discussed and agreed by both parties. i wouldn't be happy, as the partner who was at home more, to be paying out of family money so a fully capable adult didn't have to transfer their washing from basket into washing machine, or to wash their breakfast dishes or hoover a room a couple of times a week.

My DH didn't want a cleaner as it "inconvenienced" him

Our discussion went like this

Me: "DH I am getting a cleaner"

DHH "Moan, moan, moan"

Me: She starts Friday. Make sure you shut the bedroom doors when you go out.

Its hard juggling work and small demanding babies - for both you and him. My recipe for harmonious parenting is:

• Avoid discussions on parenting in the middle of the night: they never end well.

• take it in turns to get up with the baby: both DH and I worked full time after DS1 and DS2 turned 6 months: we had to take it in turns as it was too knackering for one of us to deal with the night wakings each time.

• if you can afford it, get a cleaner - he should pay for this half and half with you.

• use slow cookers to do the meals at least twice a week - freeze leftovers and have a leftover meal from the freezer once a week. Ensure he takes turns to cook too! And whoever doesnt cook, sets the table/loads the dishwasher.

Next time he comes out with that gem about women's work, ensure you drop it into conversation with his mother/sister/feminist friend - my MIL and SIL would have skinned my DH alive for a comment like that. This may only work if they are feminists or working mothers who have been there, done that"

Threads like this make me a bit and there do appear to be quite a few where one partner expects more from the other when it comes to housework/looking after children etc

When me and DH moved in together 5 years ago there was no discussion over housework we just got on with it and still do now. We both work shifts and have 1 DD who is 20 weeks old. Housework has always just been something we have done either on our own or together. If we had a day off together then one of us would say "let's have a day in and blitz the house" or sometimes DH would be watching tv and I'd be upstairs cleaning the bathroom and vice versa.. If I decide to clean I don't expect my DH to jump up and do the same and again vice versa!!! Since I was pregnant and DD born I would DH has taken on a majority of the housework... Again not because I asked him or didn't do it myself just coz he wanted to and if he's there and the floor needs mopping or theres some ironing to do then he'll do it, The same way sometimes I'll clean up if DD is asleep or amusing herself or he'll phone me and say can you pls iron my shirt for tonight.. If I have time I'll do it sometimes I'll even iron it without asking (usually so I can pick the shirt )

It's just what we do, I suppose its a partnership. I'm not on here to brag at all its just before I joined mumsnet I thought that up and down the country this is how a household was run in 2012 (and probably a majority of households are run like this but no-one is going to come on and say AIBU to share the housework equally with my partner )

Gooeyhead my friend and her husband have a similar sort of set-up wrt housework as you do and i am very jealous of it. also, i'll be honest and say that for quite some time after they got married i was expecting to hear the 'usual' (to me) comments creeping in from her i.e; "that lazy git? doesn't even knwo how to use the machine" etc. only because it's the type of family i grew up in. my mum did everything and complained constantly and i really did think that was normal. i am very pleased to say that 4 years down teh line my friend and her DH are still running an equal partnership and both seem to be just as happy as the other with the arrangement. i have only been in one relationship where i lived with my partner and unfortunately my partner was of teh same mindset as my father. we aren't together anymore and housework was a big part of why we separated. i do have hope though that i will find my own version of my friend's husband

I had to leave the thread half way through your post. oh he is lovely isn't he.

What an utter twunt.

I do think that if you work part time and he works full time, you should do a greater proportion of the housework but that does not mean that you should do all the housework. And as for his "woman's work" comment... words fail me.

It does sound like you are starting to believe his BS though. You say in your OP that you would like some "help" with the housework. Using that language is accepting that housework is your domain and he would be doing you a favour by doing some of it. No! Housework should fall to both of you and you should both do your fair share (and I think in this case that means you doing a bit more than him, but not 100%).

Being yes I suppose its to do with how we were brought up too.. My dad is a shift worker and it was not unusual to see him with the Hoover or cooking a meal if he was off and my mum in work. I don't think I could be in a relationship were I was expected to do all the housework etc in fact if I lived alone I'd probably have a cleaner

you are right gooey. my friend's DH was raised in a home where his mum was the 'wage earner' and his dad was SAHP so seeing his dad washing clothes, and cleaning was normal.

It's very, very often the case that a man only shows his true colours as a woman-hating fucknugget after the first child arrives. Because up until then its been easier to gloss over or ignore the fact that he considers himself more important than her, and entitled to her obedience and submission. She will keep telling herself (and be encouraged by society and culture in general, still) to 'pick her battless' and 'not worry about the little things' every time she lets him have his own way so as to avoid sulks, rows or him threatening to leave her.
But once there's a baby to look after ...

It seems to me pretty clear that his true colours are shown in this situation BEFORE they have a kid together

I work from home with 3 children and a mindee. I entertain the DC's, care for the baby and do the majority of the housework while DH works full time (and then some). It works for us because a) I'm fairly houseproud and would probably redo tidying that a cleaner does, b) I mostly prefer children to adults anyway and c) the hours Dh works makes anything else impractical.
DH does do housework but as I said, the majority is down to me.
OP YANBU purely for the 'womans work' comment alone, I would have taken Hully's suggestion if mine had said that to me, pull him on that crap every single time!
If he thinks you have it so easy tell him to take a few days holiday and go out by yourself. Leave him to it and expect everything done when you get back, he may change his tune. Or...
Do a full timtable of everything you do for a week. Highlight when you get up and when he does. Write down every job, outing etc. go through it with a fine tooth comb and work out where things have to change. I did this very early in my relationship with DH. I only had to do it once. [hsmile]