AIBU to be completely fed up with my life.

[Fedupfarmerswife]

Gosh I'm struggling now. I know this is not really an AIBU but I'm at the end of my tether. Perhaps I'm having a bad morning but I really need to ask how others manage. We have 3 kids. 7, 4 and 3 and my husband is a farmer and works 7 days pretty much all year round. It's progressively getting worse as he seems to be taking more on. He'll have a few months of weekends off around November until January and then a few through from June to July. He is completely driven by money and needs to make as much as possible to take on even more land to farm which then needs more money put into it etc...

I'm starting to feel like I don't want this any more. I really, really struggle with them. 7YO constantly bullies 4 YO all of the time and 4 YO constantly irritates 7 YO and 3 YO and 3 YO has tantrums and rakes through things, escapes, breaks things and causes havoc. This goes on all day, every day and I don't get much of a break. Term time is a bit better but holidays are totally awful. It's just getting too much for me now and I don't know what to do. I have a few days away planned with the kids visiting a friend and I'm dreading trying to control them (again going on my own - as we do every school holiday - because DH won't take time off and doesn't believe in weekends away anyway.)

When DH is off he doesn't do anything with them. He won't take them to parties, to the park, swimming or anything like that, it's still me who does all this even when he is at home. He just stays at home with them and they trash the house which I then end up tidying. He was brought up to believe this is what the mother does. I constantly feel like I'm yelling, screaming and telling them off and they don't listen to me at all. Then of course when dad comes home dad is the fun one who then winds them up something unreal and the house becomes chaos before bedtime. (again even him being home for bedtime is seasonal!) He does sometimes take one of them away on his tractor. I try and make it our 4 YO because she is the trouble maker and when she's out of the equation the other two are slightly easier to manage, but then this causes issues with them because the tractor to them is a treat and not the relief for me it is intended to be! MIL does take them one afternoon a week too, she's more of a husband to me when it comes to looking after them!

Also DH never takes me away from this. Not even out for dinner! In the 7 years we have become parents the only times we have been away together have been for funerals or weddings. He believes that you only do things as a family and anything else is selfish so on the rare occasions we go out for tea together it's always with the kids. I'm his good farm wife woman cook washer slave and he doesn't listen to my feelings. If I mention things to him he shouts me down and tells me how tired he is and that is the end of it.

Our sex life is shit. We go to bed at the end of the day tired, he will give me a grope and then when I tell him I'm not in the mood he turns over in a strop. There is no romance or effort in our relationship. He just expects me to put out to him when he feels like it and doesn't like it when I don't. He tells me we're in a sexless marriage (I try to pleasure him at least once a week and I know it's not enough, but I don't feel he makes the effort with me in anyway so it's hard.)

Surely I can't be the only one in this situation? I just don't know if I'm being pathetic or unreasonable. I know he works hard but it's getting worse and he's taking on more and more. I really do feel like walking away from it all and that scares me a bit because I don't feel like I'd miss my children or my husband I'm that sick of it. I just don't know what to do. I can't speak to him because he gets angry and defensive. I have not a penny to my name because everything he has goes into the business and I'd not have any money to leave him. I'm stuck here like this forever. I feel so envious of all my friends with children who's partners and husbands are so much more hands on and although I know every relationship has it's faults and none are "perfect" I just want to feel my worth and not the skivvy I feel I am instead.

I'm sorry this is so long

Show him this post and others like it. Think 3 young children must be hard whatever the situation, and I'm sure things would naturally improve but you still deserve more

How sad for you OP. You husband seems to have forgotten that you are his lovely wife, not a robot in the house.

I think the advice on these situations is to take two courses of action. One is to quietly seek legal advice, so if events did lead to separation, you would be in strong position by having copies of the correct financial documents, etc.

The other is to try and repair the damage to your relationship. This does rely on your husbands cooperation. I'm not really sure how you do this, but I think giving him a serious wake-up call is necessary so he realises how bad things have gotten for you.

What would happen if you took the day off?

talk to your hv about some parenting courses to get strategies for dealing with the dc. assuming they have no special needs of any kind then it should be strightforward. and a few sessions will help you realise you not alone and learn some strategies.

go to counselling yourself to talk about your dh and strategies for dealing with him. if he has deep seated beliefs about your role then it may be ahrd to get him to see differnetly, unless you clear and firm and let him know he stands to lose you unless things change.

Blimey. 'I try to pleasure him once a week'.

Why, for the love of God?? It isn't his right just because you are his wife.

I know it doesn't solve the actual problem (that your husband is a selfish twat), but can you hire some help with the house and/or kids to ease things a bit for you?

I cannot imagine being with anyone so overbearing - you literally have no say in how you live your life :(

"Never marry a farmer" - advice given to me, seriously, by a farmer's wife when I was younger.

Why on earth did you marry him OP? Has he changed? Did he promise you more than this?

tbh if you left you would hardly be in a worse off position than you are now...at least you're still young enough to make a life for yourself. It sounds like total drudgery, more like he has got himself a free housekeeper/childminder instead of a wife that he shares things with.

You sound so sad, you poor thing. Yes, someone should show you some love and consideration, not just sap all your energy.

Are the children affectionate with you? Just a cuddle once a day from them could help you feel less lonely.

Is there somewhere in the house that could be cordoned off from them? Just to give you some space of your own? That could be important as clutter and mess can bring you down, so just having somewhere peaceful and tidy you can escape to might help. Also if you stop tidying up during the day and just have a blitz in the evening it could remove some stress.

Could your MIL help more? Could you confide in her that things aren't good and you need some more support. Maybe not saying directly that your H is an uncaring twat but just that he's so busy etc etc, so as not to put her back up!

Personally I'd stop even trying to consider his feelings about sex unless he was prepared to consider mine. Basically no sex until there is affection and love in the marriage. No reason at all why you should put out for him and no real reason for him to change if he's getting it on a reasonably regular basis.

And if nothing else changes is there some way you can withdraw from him? I know you say you can't leave but you can emotionally pull yourself away. I have noticed that a lot of selfish people respond very quickly when the person they rely on suddenly isn't available. So no chatting or even trying to chat with him, no eye contact. Treat him as just the person who brings in the money, treat him as a lioness treats a lion! You need his service for that (currently, not always!) but you don't need anything else from him. Let him see what it's like to not be considered important or relevant in your life.

Then if he changes his ways you will have something to work with to mend your marriage. And if he doesn't then you'll already be able to deal with whatever you decide to do next.

I wouldn't ask him to go to counselling or anything at the moment. Don't give him any reason to think you'll compromise any more or that you particularly need him in your life.

I'm not sure I could stick around in this situation. He doesn't sound like much of a husband. . I don't know what to say but I think he needs to be around more or at least agree to spend some time alone with you if this is to continue. If you can get away for a weekend alone to have a think, I think you might come up with some answers as to what you want/need yourself. I think you should insist on doing this, actually, stress that it's make or break for you.

This is no life.

I am certainly not one of the 'leave the bastard' crew here on MN...but in this instance I really cannot see that this is a good place for you or your DC.

Why do you stay?

I'm sorry Fedup, that sounds awful. I think you need to ask your MIL to take the kids one evening that your DH is free and insist he sits down with you and LISTENS!

Make it clear how unhappy you are and why, and how close you are to walking out. Write a list so you don't get sidetracked:-)
If he refuses to discuss things or gets overly defensive perhaps you could go away for a night and leave him to it but don't tell him where you're going etc- it might give him the jolt he needs.

Please do something before you end up walking out on your children when you could probably cope with them fine if you had a supportive husband.