To think men switch off at the sound of a woman's voice

[Mybabyseyes]

And then if you say it again your moaning! How do you get them to do things without it sounding like a moan! I am the only woman in my house. 5ds and dh everyone just seem to switch off. Nothing gets done and the house is a tip. I am struggling to keep on top of it. I need some tips on getting men to listen.

OK, so the problem is not about men and womens' voices.

You have taught your children that 1) they don't need to listen when you speak because you will repeat it for them and 2) they don't need to do what you say because you will do it for them.

Your children need consequences. Tell them that from now on you will give an instruction once. If they ignore you, there will be a sanction (loss of privileges etc). Then stick to your guns. They will soon see you mean business.

As for your dh, well you just need a frank discussion with him about setting a good example and showing respect. If he doesn't man up, stop clearing up after him, stop washing his clothes and cooking his meals.

Yes, men complain but only when necessary but men say women are moaning about many trivial matters. Not all men but too many. Nagging is a term definately referring to women , whining is also what dogs do, means in a high tone of voice, so cannot possibly apply to men. Whinging applies to both sexes. And what about that expression " hen pecked"?! My male neighbour used it to describe another male neighbour but directed at his wife, to me, behind their backs. People are so jolly. I know men and women who can switch off when someone is going on too much, whether just non-stop idle chatter or nagging. I remember being nagged by my female neighbour, but can't remember a man ever doing it - except my dad yonks ago.

If he leaves stuff everywhere, scoop it all into a bin liner and put it outside the back door. The house will be tidy and it will give him an incentive to pick up after himself.

On a teacher's thread it advised Saying it as an order once.

eg You have to go and feed the dog.

Annnnnnd thaaaaaat iiiissss itttttt.

Ensure you are in the situation where they can't pretend they didn't hear eg sitting at dining table. Then say nooooooottthhhhing else. Absolutley nothing. No 'did you hear me', no justifyig eg 'the dog needs fed he is starving' or 'the dog needs fed and I don't have time'.

Just say it then say nothing else, just wait. And wait. And wait.

It works with my DH and DS. Just wish I'd known this earlier.

I also found that if I wanted to know what, for example, DS had been doing I would say 'What were you doing at X's today' and waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiit.

And evenutally maybe 5 mins later I would get the reply.

Strange beings these males.

Saw a similar thing on tv or somewhere where a gay guy was asked how he would get his partner to listen to him. He said when they were in the car together he would get him to pull over at the side of the road. Tell him to switch off the engine. Make him turn and look him in the face then say whatever it was. That way he knew he had heard.

So yoy need to pick your battles. And then ignore the rest.

Have a conversation with one specific thing . Describe it and say how it makes you feel. See what his reaction is and whether you csn agree a sifferent way in future. Dont then raise anything else, just that one thing.

Does he clear up after each meal for instance, if you have cooked?

If I say he has to do something he won't because in telling him what to do. It only works when I say I need him to.

Ok, so what things do you need him to do?

You really need to be specific otherwise it will sound like general moaning.

Does he do anything around the house?

If I say he has to do something he won't because in telling him what to do. It only works when I say I need him to

What? You have to say you need him to do the washing up? Is he usually this controlling?

He does do things but with 5 kids its not enough. This is what I try to tell him

But why do you have to use specific terminology before he will do something

Actually I wonder if you're being specific enough.

You've said nothing gets done, it's not enough.

What exactly?

Is it the washing up? Picking things up? Putting laundry away? cooking? Keeping an eye on the kids?

To get someone to listen, you need to be really clear about what you're saying.

Speak like a sat nav. My DH ALWAYS does what she says!!!

yy don't ask him to repeat it back

Though I'd like to see you try!

I wish these women would pack up with the "my husband always does it" shite in their perfect little lives and the "It's not OUR husbands it's yours" really get's my goat.

I feel for you OP. Always remember we DON'T moan or nag. If it was done the first time there would be no need.

Time to step up the anti and say it once then use the damn bin!

I will not ask dh to repeat it back! That would not work for me

I need to try and change my voice or tone somehow. I have a really low, slow voice that sounds like I'm complaining even when I'm not.

You don't have to change your tone, or change the way you ask! It's not about that, and by referring to that you are just making it worse.

Stop blaming yourself OP or your tone of voice. Who tells you it sounds like that anyway, bet its DH.

If it's any consolation i have a very low quick shot voice and if anyone said I was moaning, which my DS says purely because he has done something wrong, it would be tenfold of yours!

Actually, OP, it's more likely to be high pitched noises that sound like a whine. It's got nothing to do with your voice. After all, actions speak louder than words. You need to change the way you respond to them. Keep doing the same thing and you'll keep getting the same result innit

I think your dh just wants you to stfu and get on with the housework. Now and again he'll make a token effort but then it's back to 'normal'. Nothing will change unless you change.

So, let's be clear, what, exactly, do you want?

Not sure it's a male/female thing. Ds responds better to my voice than to dh's because he knows that after the second request I will be out of my chair making sure he does as he is told. Dh can go on asking ineffectually for an hour- which to ds means another hour for him to piss about. It is true that dh has quite a high pitched voice, but I really don't think that's the main thing; if he followed through a bit quicker I think he could squeak in any way he liked and ds would still have to get on with it.

Your DS's will be learning from your DH's example. As a teacher I come across lots of boys who have problems with taking instructions from women and this won't be helping.

Your DH is an adult and needing to be told to do something in a certain way before he'll do it is childish. If he knows what chores he should be doing and when (because they've been divvied up) then a) you shouldn't then do them and b) it should be 'you need to take the bins out' not 'I need you to take the bins out' because it's his responsibilty that the bins get taken out, not yours.