to ask you to help me help my DH with severe stress issues

[brighteyedandbushytailed]

Posted this in employment issues but having had so much support (really!) on AIBU in the past and knowing that many people who don't look at that topic might have advice, posting here as well.

DH is suffering from extreme workplace stress. There are several causes of this - his anxious personality, hangover from bullying in his previous job, tough time in his company. This has been slow-burning for months (since say June) but has become more acute over the last 4 weeks.

His symptoms include - neck and shoulder pain (he had a massage and the masseuse found 6 muscle knots!) pins and needles, losing sensation in hands or feet or getting patches which are extremely cold, twitches, hyperventilating, extreme avoidance, self medicating with alcohol, using the internet on his phone to distract himself for hours before he gets to sleep and on his way in in the morning. Last week he was floored by the type of cold which would normally be a low level sniffle. He suffers what he describes as "low level panic attacks" (ie symptoms exist for 2-3 hours but he tries to ignore them and carry on with his work. Several times it has culminating in his ringing me from the alleyway behind the office hyperventilating and in floods of tears).

He keeps describing himself as an awful person. Noone, none of his colleagues thinks that. He is on the waiting list for private and NHS CBT, neither yet come throug (private hopefully later this week). In the meantime he is refusing to go onto anti-anxiety medication because of some incidents which happened in the immediate family which have made him scared of the side effects. He is refusing to go off sick, partly because "the stress will still be there when I get back" (I see where he is coming from but think he'd be better able to do deal with it) and also because there is an issue at work which he thinks will become a performance managament/disciplinary issue for him if he doesn't keep on top of it. I don't know what the issue is for definate but I have my suspicions and, knowing the industry and company well, think that at most it is likely to be a slap on the wrist, that it is important he has a record of his psychological state in case it is worse than that and that his current lack of judgement due to stress is more likely to create more serious problems.

He has twice, not for several weeks though, made comments about how he wishes he'd the guts to self harm "mildly" to "let it all out" and "bring everything to a head".

His line manager and line manager's line manager are both very decent people. The LM has an inkling of the situation. DH is refusing to discuss it further with the LM or HR to look at ways of minimising his stress without him going off sick. I am seriously considering ringing the LM myself. DH has made me promise not to though and I don't want to do anything which will make him feel more under attack.

I am seriously worried. Does anybody have any advice?

Yes. A problem shared really is a problem halved.

Tell him it would be more stressful if he had his own business. Man up and deal with it!

OP, I'm sure you wouldn't dream of it, but please don't tell him to 'man up' I can't imagine how rejected and alone he would feel. Somehow I sense that's not your style though....

Useful advice there sadie3, thanks

Sadie, I'm sure you meant no harm but I really hope that you never say that to anyone who comes to you in life psycologically sick and in despair.

Everyone else - thank you very much. DH has significant trust issues outside of immediate friends and family, in large part due to the bullying issue. Tomorrow's session is going ahead with the therapist and I am going to try and persuade him to speak to work about the problem either directly before that (so he can offload to the therapist) or directly after (because she might have some advice which can help).

The problem, in a nutshell, and hopefully not removing my anonymity, was that he over-promised something to a client. Easily done, and only dawned on him over time that there was a drastic misinterpretation. Issue now with him admitting it is that it has been such a period it will look like he has tried to hide it. He thinks that he is an idiot, a stupid awful person for this, that he will be sacked, we will run out of money and I will leave him. I know enough about CBT to see all the cognitive errors he is making, I just cannot persuade him of this fact.

I am so angry with the people who bullied him in his old job. It was very clever, very subtle - ignoring him, his emails and meeting requests where authorisation was needed until projects collapsed and then questioning his competance ("why didn't you come and talk to me?") and taking the piss out of his superior qualifications. Giving subtly but fundamentally different instructions to his face from the ones behind his back. I could go on. He never told me. It is only since starting the new job he has come to realise that he isn't totally incompetant - he's actually very good - but his trust and self esteem are rock bottom and then this comes along.

Obviously, he had told me now, but never at the time. I used to write off the snippets he gave as whinging. I feel awful.

Can't tell you how much I want to give both of you a hug.

Have you ever heard of gaslighting? Get your DH to look it up on Wikipedia. It will come as a revelation to him.

You couldn't have known brighteyed. Very for you both. My DP does that spiralling thing too, where he becomes convinced that if just one thing goes wrong then everything in his world will unravel, including me leaving him. It's a hell of a lot of pressure for you to have on your shoulders! Do you have friends you can talk to in RL?

I think the best thing to do is sort out this problem/mistake at work because;
a. it will take off the acute pressure
b. ensure his colleagues dont find out he's been trying to do a cover up and therefore decreasing his reputation
c. (most importantly) help him feel confident in coming through a mistake, rectifying it and coming out the other side

We all make mistakes and as long as he handles it maturely then people will respect him. I suggest he thinks about a strategy to rectify the mistake and goes to a manager or colleague with the SOLUTION (rather than going with a problem). Concentrate on how he thinks hes made an error but he has some ideas on how to sort it out. Focussing other peoples minds on the solution is always best in these scenarios. I always found that the best way to sort stuff out and found people came on board with me more easily and it became a learning experience for everyone (that sounds cheesy but it's true!!).

I doubt he'd get sacked surely? and would think the worst would be a written warning (but as he has not intentionally done something wrong - and could be as a result of not enough training..? then colleagues may not even go that far).

Even if its pants for a while he will get through it -and come out a stronger person which will do wonders for his self esteem. Good luck - and remember that adage - 'it will pass'

Another one whose family has been thorough something so similar I could have written the post op.

I persuaded dh to get signed off sick, and yes it did blow up in his absence, so he resigned. (without consulting me, wasn't impressed )

Best thing he ever did. He is now retraining as a mature uni student in a subject he loves. And is back to being the man I married.

It has been, frankly a fucking horrendous couple of years for us all, but so many amazing positives have come out of it. Not least he is training for his dream job instead of stuck in a high pressure environment he hated.

We struggle for money at the moment, but - and this sounds so trite but it's so so true, we have eachother, the dc's and a roof over our heads. And our health. He was losing that, and no job is worth it.

Ps also agree with the poster above, in a couple of places I have worked, the managers would only settle down and trust you once you had made a couple of substantial howlers. They needed to see if you could own up and sort out the damage limitation. Any idiot can cope when things are going well, you need someone who can bounce back from a ssubstantial fuck up.

I haven't had chance to read everyone's posts but the thing I picked on was his self-medicating with alcohol. There are some lifestyle changes which he can make which will help him, drinking alcohol, playing with his phone wont be helping how he feels particularly as alcohol is a depressant.

If he is stressed about work he needs a mechanism to help him switch off from work. Does he have any hobbies (or did he have any previously)? Encourage him to find ways of distracting himself with hobbies / interests outside of work. Drinking alcohol I presume is his way of distracting himself however this will be disrupting his sleep patterns, might make him irritable, tired, cause poor concentration the next day which will exacerbate his feelings of anxiety.

Apologies if I missed this but us he drinking coffee? If so encourage him to cut down on this as it can mimic the symptoms if anxiety (racing heart etc) it is recommended that people who are anxious cut their caffeine intake down to under 300mg per day.

Is he able to talk to you or maybe his friends about how he is feeling? If not encourage him to do so.

There is a really good online CBT programme which is free www.livinglifetothefull.com - this might give him a head start whilst waiting for NHS talking therapy.

Is he doing any exercise at the moment? This is the best way to immediately reduce stress, it doesn't have to be the gym, a brisk 30 minute walk will help. Maybe he could go out at lunchtime? Encourage him to take regular breaks at work.

Maybe trying relaxation techniques, the mental health foundation has some fantastic free podcasts with different relaxation techniques. This is something he will need to practice but once he can do it this technique will really help if he feels panicky as a way of calming himself down.

I understand his reasoning for staying at work but encourage him to think about what is contributing to his stress at work and are there any mechanisms which can help him, for example how much control does he have over his working day? Simple things like doing a to do list, prioritising workload etc can make a big difference.

It is concerning that his symptoms appear to be escalating (thoughts of self harm) from your post I think he has seen his GP? It is important that he keeps the GP up to date with his symptoms, particularly if he has thoughts of suicide or acts of any of his thoughts. It is great that he has such a caring partner :) I hope some of this is useful.

Hi Brighteyed I know you have probably said this already to your DH but however grim it seems for him at the moment, there are a number of big things in his favour. He has you being a magnificent support, his LM has an inkling of what may be wrong and with his LM seem to be decent people and his sessions with the CBT therapist where he can offload knowing NOTHING will go beyond the 4 walls.

I think if he has been carrying this around for so long it is time to discuss it with the LM so solutions can be found. Also he does sound if he needs to take time off work, because he will otherwise just burn himself out.

I defy anyone to say that they have had a perfect working relationship with their colleagues and that everyone at some time or another has'nt made a mistake or two. He has'nt been alone in something like this happening and I am sure that very soon it will get sorted and he ( and you ) will be much happier for it .