AIBU to be angry about ex getting engaged after 7 week internet relationship?

[JoAlone]

Seperated last Jan, divorced Dec. Everything was amicable, and I made an effort to keep it so for DD (14yrs). Suddenly ex started dating girl in SA, (we come from there, moved here 11 yrs ago). He flew over 6 wks after first starting to chat and got engaged, planning to marry in Dec and move over there.

Few issues. I had a bit of a 'reaction' when I found out via fb of his new relationship, even though I was still treating him like a friend and had seen him that very day, without him breathing a word to me, so was insulted that he didn't tell me in person, out of respect.

Since then, after apologizing for my outburst (about the way he handled it rather than him being in a relationship), he has behaved as though I have a problem, and has started treating me worse and worse, eventually only communicating directly with DD.

DD has had enough of this, and of him, and has now decided she wants no contact with him whatsoever. I think they are just moving way too fast for her.

AIBU to think this is really stupid, engaged after 7 weeks, married after 5 months, and he is treating me like I am the one who is being difficult and turning his daughter against him? She is very independently minded and told him herself tonight when he told me over the phone that he didn't believe she was saying this, that it was all me.

I think you're both well rid of him.

I got engaged to somebody I had known a few weeks, he had been separated from his ex (they had a child together) for 7 months.

The ex created a lot of trouble, but ultimately it was a fucked up situation from the start and was never going to last for many reason (my recovering from MH problems and allowing a controlling fuckwit into my life, and him being a controlling fuckwit for one).

Leave him to it. It doesn't actually have anything to do with you (not said nastily) and I can assure you, the likelihood is that the whole thing will crash and burn as quickly as it started.

As for DD, that is one thing you do have a say over - stop contact with this woman - she has no right to a relationship with her. If they do get married and live happily ever after, then DD will be older and in a better position to decide if she wants contact.

If Facebook is causing problems, block the fuckers - ultimately shut down your account and start afresh, let your close friends know what you are doing if you need to.

In a way, he is still controlling you, let him get on with his own fucked-up life and you concentrate on yours.

Thanks for all the advice. I cut my fb account off from him after he announced his new relationship status, so no worries there.

I think I am just looking for reassurance in supporting my DD decision to cut him out of her life. I am so worried about making a mistake in which way to encourage or support her. Despite being a manipulate controlling emotionally immature twut, he always tried to be a good dad.

Thanks for the info on my claims once he goes to SA. I sort of was panicking about the financial implications. Whilst I don't give a flying hoot about the new woman and how they choose to conduct themselves with each other, it is his conduct in relation to his daughter that is the main concern. She has asked him not to contact her, only to supply information he feels necesarry for her to know. On Thursday he sent her a soppy text, ans she asked me to contact him and ask him to no longer text him. But he responded the next day with a long text to me and to her about his rights as a dad in telling her he loves her daily (manipulative as he hardly contacted her when he was in SA a week ago). I have given her assurance that I will support her decisions emotionally and legally if we have to. I called him and she made her point known as she chipped in when he said it was me saying these things not her.

She was worried on Friday to walk home on her own in case he was here waiting for her, or to go out to her usual ballet lesson, in case he came there to confront her. He hasn't done that before, but she has never cut contact with him before. Our next step would be to investigate a restraining order, but it all seems so incredibly dramatic. He will (hopefully) be moving away in December, then that fear will be gone, but I hate that my daughter is now feeling unsafe in her own home.

There is a lot of advice on moving on from him and getting over him. I don't want him back, and it has been very healing for me to see how he has handled himself in this relationship, helps me to see how he reeled me in, he basically became Mr Wonderful, but I know the truth about him, he is a spineless, controlling manipulative coward who is only concerned about others when they are directly influencing how people see him. Which is why the fight has sort of stepped up. Whilst I was being Mrs Amicable, it suited his ego well, how could he be a 'bad guy' if his ex wife was still having a friendship with him? But I soon realised that this too was a manipulation, and have now broken free. Now that I am standing up for myself and my daughter it doesn't suit his ego at all. Whatever he chooses to do, or how he does it only affects me in that his daughter is struggling with her realtionship with him. He is simply not respecting her need for space to process all of this.

I had my daughter in counselling last year (I aleady mentioned about her self harm), and have offered her more counselling. She says she doesn't want it now, she is talking to me, and to her friends and says this is enough for now. And the fact that she doesn't have to deal with him directly. I am talking it through with my friends and my sister who is a counsellor (although not in her capacity as a counsellor, just as sisters, but she is good at picking out the emotional links). I don't have to tell my daughter about how abusive he is, she told me what she saw. She has been trying to get me to see this for the last 2 years, but I have been looking the other way, trying to do the 'right' thing. So now I am being as honest as I feel is healthy with her, and she says she is relieved that she can finally be honest with me about how she feels about him.

I think what I am looking for on here is just to know I am not nuts, that what he is doing is not great for my daughter, and that he is the one making things this hard. I am not bitter toward him or his new partner, I just don't think my daughter needs to fight this battle on her own. There is no need for contact between the new partner and my daughter at this point, even if they decide to marry in haste, being his wife, does not give her any rights over our daughter. My DD is in her GCSE year and is stressed enough without having to deal with all of this

You're not nuts.

Your daughter could change her mobile number to prevent unwanted texts from her dad but I do think he needs to know why she's refusing contact, in succinct phrases that he can't misinterpret. I also think this should be termed as a feeling that she has 'at the moment' - he might be able to accept that a little better than face the prospect of never seeing his daughter again.

Re the maintenance thing - it was 10 years ago that I was told that. Maybe it has changed? I doubt it though.

My ex married an Afrikaans woman half his age a couple of years after we split. She has tried very hard to play the stepmum to my children - she's met them once - and that's fine. Unfortunately, they think she's very strange (which she is) so they don't respond but I wouldn't have a problem if they did. She's thousands of miles away and I'm right here. All the time. They know who their mum is :)

I'd be concerned that your girl is frightened her dad is going to leap out at her. Maybe you and she need to discuss what she would do if that did happen (even if it probably won't). 'Escape plans' are always good to have in the back of your mind and might help her to feel more in control.

Of course you are not nuts. Good luck to you and your daughter and the rest of your lives... xx

I know how you feel OP. My ex and I split in may, 3 weeks ago he changed his Facebook to 'in a relationship' on Sunday he had an engagement ring on. Ds1 (8) told his Dad that he wants to sirens time with his on. His own, not with the gf, and his dads response was that she is part of his life, and if ds1 doesn't accept that then tough!

You're not nuts and he sounds like a fairly sad individual. I think your mistake was to treat him like a 'friend' when he had been mentally and emotionally abusive. He's not a friend. He's a dickhead who didn't deserve you and your daughter. And if he wants to fuck his own life up with someone he's just met then good luck to him. Your daughter is a 14 year old who has every right to decide that she doesn't want to have much to do with him any longer and you don't need ANY contact whatsoever. I appreciate you wanted to keep things on a civil basis with him for DDs sake and that you have probably bent over backwards to do so and to accommodate him in the past. However, I would stop that entirely. I would back out of any kind of contact/relationship with him and simply allow your DD to negotiate the type of contact she wishes to have with her father with him. Any contact from him I would say calmly, 'this is nothing to do with me. You and I have nothing to say to each other'. Keep supporting DD with what she wants to do. You're doing fine. Good luck

Op when your dd tells you you need to end the marriage to her dad, its serious. Glad you listened. She's there for you.

Now its your turn to be there for her.

Take sowornouts stance.

Thanks Hissy, Swornout and Almost. I am supporting her in any way I can. DD is an amazingly perceptive child. Good idea on making a 'safety plan' will do that today, and we have sat down and discussed how to put her feelings into ordered words, so she can use her 'framework' when she is challenged.

He has decided to contact her school and is apparently seeing someone there next week! This has made her even more angry as this was one of her places that she could just be herself, and get on with school and friends without his interferance. Now he has crossed over that boundary. That's why we made up a list that she can draw from if challenged, to protect herself emotionally. He has a way of making her feel sorry for him, and then she gets angry that she didn't stand up for herself.

We discussed her blocking his number and her unfriending him on fb, she isn't going to block his number at the moment, but will unfriend him and new partner on fb. Will leave that to her discression.

It all feels so incredibly insane, and I think helps me to realise how much I kept him 'grounded', and that makes me feel empowered. Without me, he is making a real hash job of everything. In the meantime I am emotionally disconnecting from him, and myself and DD are making a very happy, peaceful, unmanipulated life together.

Jo

I know exactly how you feel too. My STBXH got engaged last month, three months after leaving me and DS for OW in June!

I haven't filed for divorce yet and he has only just set up a postal redirection, so talk about wrong priorities!

In your case, once the shock has subsided, it will come as a relief that he's so far away. Hope he doesn't wriggle out of paying maintenance.

Ineedagoldennickname, that makes me so :(, that he won't put his 8 year old DS's wishes first and give him the time and space he needs.

Why is he contacting the school? Wtf! What for? Your DD will get support from the school. She is (luckily) old enough to state her wishes and demand they are uphelp as far as he is concerned.

Don't be intimidated, your DD CAN handle this, and your support of her is all that she needs.

Agree with hissy absolutely (and I'm a secondary teacher). Contact the school and tell them that this is your estranged husband and that your dd is very anxious about him getting information about her from the school and that she does not want him doing so. Inform them that you are the parent with care and that they are NOT to arrange meetings with him to discuss your DD. They MUST accept this.

Certainly in Scotland, not sure about England the term"parent with care" is meaningless. All adults with parental responsibility for a child have equal right to contact the school and get information about a child's progress from the school and to attend parents' evening etc. You don't have more rights just because the child lives with you most of the time.
My ex contacts the school about my kids as much as I do, and he has as much right to do so. Usually we attend stuff together but the school sends us both copies of stuff.
With regards to health issues a 14 year old may convince a health professional that she can make her own decisions about her health and doesn't want her parents to be informed. This applies to either parent though regardless of which parent she mainly lives with. I don't think the education system gives teenagers this right but may be wrong.
If he is just showing an interest in her education this isn't a bad thing, although deciding to do that just before he moves abroad is bizarre.
He may be asking if they'll email him school reports etc, and informing them of the changed circumstances which isn't unreasonable.

YY to you contacting the school to deny him access to her teachers. The bloody cheek of him!

2Rebecca - I think that arrangement can work when both parents behave in a reasonable manner, not when the child is actively wanting to limit contact with one who makes her feel uncomfortable.

You must tell the school about the abuse, your dd must tell them clearly too.

Write letters to the HT, state his abuse, and that he'll use this school meddling to further manipulate you both.

don't be angry, just laugh. do get counselling, it helps.

Thanks again, this is really useful. Sowernout that is really useful to know and DD is very interested in what she can say to stop him coming to the school. He is basically going for 'counselling' or 'advice' on how to manage his teenage daugther who doesn't want contact with him. So it is all about him of course! (Grrrrr), and causing her tons of stress, she is panicking about going to school this week.

In health matters she can be proven 'Gillick competent', (I work in the health field), but it doesn't apply to social situations, only medical. She has considered becoming emancipated from him legally, but financially it concerns her as we depend on support from him (although if/when he moves that might be a non-issue anyway as he may end up not supporting us), and that would mean him being able to give up his responsibilities.

He does receive information on her scholastic progress, that is not an issue. We used to do all school stuff together (parents evenings, concerts etc) but in the last 8 weeks with arrival of new partner this has all dramatically changed. I have made peace with it, but he is the one having issues and persuing contact with his daughter against her wishes. She merely asked for 'space' and he is railroading all her requests because he feels he has a 'right' to tell her how much he loves her. I have pointed out as she was born after 2003 and as we are divorced that he does not have a right to any contact with her legally, and we may be forced to take legal action (restraining order) against him if she continues to feel unsafe in her home, and now the threat of him going to her school.

She is going to talk to her Pastoral lead on Monday, but she may want me to send an e-mail, will see how she feels/thinks. She is so angry that he is interfering with her school, as it is her privacy he is threatening, she doesn't want to be treated differently in school because of his decision to race toward a 5-month-meet-till-marry thing.

CremeEggThief I am so sorry your (almost) ex is treating you so badly, these idiots. Have been reading a fabulous book (In sheeps clothing, George K Simon) has been extremely eye opening on manipulative relationships, might be worth a look for you, although I don't know your full situation so may not be appropriate.

I have to joy of having to go and collect some remnant stuff from his house next weekend, so that will be another weekend lost on dealing with this #*. But luckily a lovely male friend has offered to come and carry my heavy boxes for me, so the presence of another male will probably be enough to castrate him a little.

Have a good week everyone. Any further info/advice will be gladly received.

How are things going, Jo? I hope the school were helpful when she spoke to them. I would re-iterate that (if you are in England) that if your DD is clear about the fact that she lives with you and that she does not want her father to receive information from the school about her then they must abide by her wishes.