to be upset at MIL for ignoring my repeated request..

[WhoWillDoMyHoovering]

Was a while back now but it is still bothering me....

Over a particularly hot sunny weekend at the end of summer (yes, there was one!) we went to visit MIL with 5mo DD. She had prepared a bbq for my DH to cook and expected us all to sit in the garden. So far so good. On arrival I handed over DD for cuddles with granny and mentioned to MIL to please keep her out of the [hot, direct] afternoon sun.

I have very fair skin and DH is quite pale himself although he tans, I burn! So MIL takes DD off me and holds her up, talking to her, right in the sun.

I let this go for a few minutes, thinking, a few minutes there's no harm, she's excited etc. When she continued to do this, I mentioned it again by suggesting we put something over her head. (I had forgotten her sunhat, my bad.) I put a muslin over, which she let fall off, and continued to hold DD in the sun. The whole story went on for about 1/2 hr in which I ended up asking FIVE TIMES for her to be kept in the shade.

WIBU to be or was there something going on here that I was missing? I'm so worried that at some point in the future she may want to take DD out for a day and my trust in her is completely out of the window!

Five times?! In that case, by the second time, I would say " I will take her in the shade now". And done so.

Everyone forgets the sunhat sometimes (don't they?). I would still have wanted her in the shade...

Get over it. Shit happens.

I still have the hump at my MIL for repeatedly taking the buggy off me with 2mo DC2 inside and thrusting it into the shade. Even though he had a muslim draped over the pram opening. And I was pushing the pram at the time.

This was over a year ago.

YANBU.

YANBU-mil or not she behaved rudely by ignoring you. If she genuinally thought baby could do with vit.d etc she could have explained, or asked if you minded, not just ignored you. This is just one event (which I happen to agree with you could have ended in sunburn) but if she ignores these simple requests when you are present, it will be hard to trust her to do things your way at other times. I probably wouldn't say anything this time, but see on the next visit if it's a recurring theme.

YANBU my sister had skin cancer as an adult which was directly attributed to being allowed to be unprotected in the sun as a small child and burning. Damage through over exposure can cause profound changes at a cellular level.

But, but you were there!
If she was ignoring you, why didn't you just march up, take back your DD and go and sit in the shade?

Then she would have listened!

Before there was sun cream, there were prams with large broderie anglais canopies (the sort with 'guy ropes') lined with close woven black cotton to keep the glare of the sun out.

So I don't think babies and midday sun have ever been an acceptable combination.

well, I'm olive skinned (mixed heritage) and spend loads of time in african sun when little plus in UK back then when our parents were not concerned about sun.

Now both my father and I have had skin cancer and we've both spent time in hot sun when young. I had a minor skin cancer when I was about 31. I cover my ds with cream. All this this about vit D well we do have enough daylight and our kids generally have enough exposure even when covered in cream. I wouldn let my almost newborn fry in hot sun.

I was told that my cancer was probably from years and years ago aka when we didn't worry that much about sun. Same with df and mum (who is very darked skinned asian and had a skin carcinoma removed recently). With dm it's probably that as she has been in our cooler climate for over half her life and she's lost her natural sun defence.

Never let your kids fry in any sun is my advice.

Your baby didn't burn so all turned out okay didn't it?

It was a little annoying. A little.

Honestly really cannot understand why you are dwelling on it.

YANBU

And the 'we all need vit D' is daft, of course! But at that age, after just a few minutes in hot summer sun they can burn.

My youngest is very fair. Less than 10 mins in the sun (which wasnt even at its hottest) and he burns.

Eventually, this 'summer' I had to put cream on before we left the house he started burning that quickly.

Incidentally he had a blood test 2 weeks ago and his vitamin D was one of the few things that was OK.

oven - I never ever burn but my carcinoma was put down to my younger years with no protection.

And it took me lots of arguing for the doctors both at gp and hospital level to take it seriously because of my darker colouring. Even after my cancer was removed there was a consultant who said they thought my diagnosis was wrong, would prove by again examinining my biopsy that it was not cancer and hence discharge me. She examined the mole biopsy again 3 years after it was taken off and confirmed it was a cancer.

We are all at risk and I'd never let a little one out in hot sun without massive sun protection and heaps of hydration.

YANBU.

I also burn very easily, and people who don't burn easily sometimes don't appreciate that other people have a lower threshold for sunburn. My in-laws are also a bit like this, but they do listen to my instructions to keep DS out of the sun even though it's clear that they think I'm being ridiculous and over-protective

But I think I would be more upset by MIL completely ignoring my instructions than I would be about DS getting a bit too much sun if I'd been in that situation.

Thanks all. Had to rush off for the night time routine....

To those saying I should have just taken her back, I did gently intervene to take her; there was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing as I took her into the shade & then gave her back only for her to be paraded around in the sun... but it made my original post rather longwinded to explain and the gist of it is the same.

To all the posters that share my concerns over skin cancers & burning - thankyou, your experiences recounted here reinforce to me that it is an issue worth caring about and being careful over.

I think Toothbrush, Bedlam and Lonely are right though, it's not so much the topic as the fact that she simply took no notice (combined with that the issue was especially important to me!) which is why I have deen 'dwelling'.

There's not much I can do about that now but just remember for my next visit that DD's priorities come ahead of upsetting my MIL and next time I should just be a bit more assertive and march in there!

YANBU - and yes, of course you could have taken her off your MIL, but that wouldn't have looked great, if your MIL was wanting to carry on with all the cuddling.

FWIW, my mother (not MIL) refuses to believe there are any dangers associated with sun. She is olive skinned, tans easily and loves being brown, uses sunbeds etc, and also hates the feel of suncream, so is very reluctant to apply it.

When we are out with DS, she rolls her eyes if I stay in the shade, put cream on etc (DS is blonde and pale skinned, like me) - she talks about children being molly coddled and how they 'all have rickets these days'.

I always cover DS in suncream, make sure he has has a hat and appropriate clothes (thin, long sleeves) when he goes out with my mother. I give her suncream and ask her to reapply it if need be - she rolls her eyes, pulls faces and never fails at the end of the day to tell me how she left the suncream in the car and he hasn't had any on all day. DS has had (mild) sunburn after a day out with her (DS is two) - I have been angry and told my mother this is not on - she thinks I am being fussy, says exposure to the sun will do no harm, and tbh it is only after shouting at her and doing the 'DS is MY son and he WILL be wearing sun cream' speech that she has reluctantly agreed to use it. All presented as an eye rolling sighing concession to my precious and unreasonable request.

The point I am making is (a) of course, this whole battle is easier for me because it is with my mother, not my MIL! and (b) if your MIL is someone who does not believe sun is harmful, you will not change her mind about that. You will have to be very insistent that she listens to what you want your daughter to have in terms of sun protection, even if she is dismissive. And put up with the facct that she might behave as if she is having to give in to your queeny and pointless requests.

Btw, I am someone who is generally very accepting of that fact that different rules apply in different houses, and in Granny's house, on both sides of the family, treats and sweets abound, and much telly is watched, and things are done differently! I tend to think, if they are helping out with free childcare, I can appreciate that and be flexible. That's fine - but everyone has a limit, and when you do insist on a rule, then that should be that.

5 month old babies don't need sunscreen, because they should be in the shade if there is any chance of burning.

It's only once they can move into the sun that you need to cover them in cream.

It is not unreasonable to forget a sunhat as long as you cover the baby's head with something.

What was your husband doing while his mother was putting your child in danger?

YANBU. It might be a generational thing. My mum has it in her head that babies need to be in the sun as some sort of vitamin D emergency. She used to take my 6 week old DS and say "let's go out in the sun". I read that babies' skins are 15 times thinner than an adult's and her generation really weren't aware of the dangers of the sun. I don't trust my parents to be sun safe with my DS which is sad. YANBU to not want a young baby in direct sun for any length of time.

Yanbu. I suppose you will have to avoid leaving dd unattended with MIL until MIL gets sensible.

'There's not much I can do about that now but just remember for my next visit that DD's priorities come ahead of upsetting my MIL and next time I should just be a bit more assertive and march in there!'

Agree, you can do that and still be polite and firm without upsetting anyone.
But you also need to plan ahead and make sure that you have what you need to take care of your child, be it suncream and hats or a snowsuit and warm food.
You were bothered about the sun but had no other precautions than being in the shade? That might be confusing for your MIL to understand, although she should have listened to you.

I

Sunscreen is for 6 months plus and is full of horrible crap. Shade for 5 months old the ideal. Cannot believe people are debating that...

Another Aussie here, I'm only 48 and have had 11 skin cancers removed or burned off already.

HTDO

The thing is, we have known about the dangers of sunburn in children for many years now. I had suncream applied as a child growing up in the 1960s. Yes I did get burned a couple of times, but that was because I lived in the country and didn't go home for hours at a time as we were out playing all day! My mother would be very annoyed with me because she went to great lengths to protect me. My younger brother had extremely pale skin and blonde hair and had to wear long sleeves at all times - and a hat as his scalp burned easily.

I actually don't think it's right that it's a generational thing -some people ignored the dangers back then as some do now.

Certainly bain the sixties people may not have realised that it can cause skin cancer in later life, but purely for the reason of the pain of sunburn we were protected from it.

My children were born in the eighties and by then we were even more aware of the dangers and they also never went out in the hot sun without it on. When on holiday abroad we kept them out of the sun when it was at its hottest. We also knew that you could get sunburned even when it was cloudy overhead. When they came out of the pool they put a t shirt on etc.

My grandchildren always wear protection, as most children nowadays do. My grandson refuses to go out without his cap on because he might get burned - he's now four.

Instead of the broderie anglais sun shade you used to get for the big coach built prams, then the umbrella types we had in the eighties, you can now get 95% UV protection all over mesh type affairs where the whole buggy is covered. This is the type my grandchildren use when they're babies - and often they have suncream on too. I think they were developed in Australia actually.

I do think that it's important that this issue is non-negotiable. It's fair enough that a grandparent mighton occasion give a couple of sweets or a bit more television than perhaps their parents might, but it's totally unreasonable to put them at an increased risk of cancer.

bain should of course be in

A hat and suncream would have saved you a lot of this anguish.

To all the people who are saying sunscreen, a lot of posters have said it, it is not really for young babies (all the ones I saw said not before 6 months or a year) and it is not something I want to put on my baby. The shade and a hat is best.

it's not the particular instruction it's more that she appeared to be deliberately ignoring you.

It doesn't really matter if she agrees with you or not about shade it's whether she has enough respect for you to adhere to doing things your way.

People talk about picking your battles but I think MILs need to pick their battles too! The end result is that now you are wary about leaving your DD in her care unsupervised.