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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my son's teacher?

28 replies

DoITellTheTeacher · 17/10/2012 21:20

Ok - not quite sure what to do about this so would welcome all views on this one :o

DS's class teacher uses a system to reward good behaviour children - once they've received 25 stickers they get to choose a small toy/treat from a jar.

Tonight DS disclosed that his friend has been regularly sneaking into the classroom at breaktime and taking treats from the jar. His friend asked him to do it too and he did. He feels terrible and doesn't know what to do. I'm pleased that he felt he could tell me about it - but equally disappointed that he did it without thinking that it was wrong. Further questioning revealed that his friend has been doing it for a couple of weeks and another friend in their group has also done it a couple of times. He is convinced that his friend won't stop doing it.

He is distraught - he knows that the right thing to do is to tell the teacher, but he is petrified about the consequences - and falling out with his friends. He's quite a shy boy, a bit of a swot, and this is really out of character for him.

AIBU to make him tell his teacher about what he's done and take whatever punishment they deem suitable? This will of course mean that he also drops his friends in it.

Or should I let him try and talk to his friend to get them to stop.

Or should I speak to his friends' parents? I chat to them at the school dates but only as far as pleasantries.

DS is 8 so well aware of right and wrong. I work in the probation service so he is very aware of what happens if you steal/break the law.

OP posts:
LadyMaryCreepyCrawley · 17/10/2012 21:22

I'd tell him to write an anonymous note to his teacher, then he's upsetting no one.

LynetteScavo · 17/10/2012 21:25

Personally, I would send the treat back into school with a letter saying what your DS has told you. I would tell DS I'd done this.

Let the teacher deal with it. She's probably aware the jar of treats is going down quickly.

JustFabulous · 17/10/2012 21:25

He needs to tell the teacher or you do. Definitely don't speak to the other culprits parents.

Roseformeplease · 17/10/2012 21:26

I would trust the teacher to handle it and speak to him/her but get your son to confess at a time when the other children are not around and with you there for support. Agree his punishment and then leave the teacher to "find out" however she can without dropping your son in it with his friends.

TheOneWithTheHair · 17/10/2012 21:27

Go with him to show him support and he can tell the teacher.

ILoveSparklers · 17/10/2012 21:27

He's only 8... Tell the teacher you think some kids might be taking rewards from the jar. She/he can then discuss tmwithnthe kids that it's wrong. Notnthenend of the world. All children have different levels of understanding and a warning would be a good first step...

waitingtobeamummy · 17/10/2012 21:27

I'd have a word with the teacher. Explain what's happened. Say you are happy for son to be punished but you don't want others to pick on him for "dobbing" them in. The teacher wouldn't have to go into much detail about how she knows, just that she's found out and they can be punished.
I wouldn't t alk to the parents as their boys might deny it etc.
Hope that helps.

ILoveSparklers · 17/10/2012 21:28

Kids do these things... It's not that bad, they just need guidance.

schmee · 17/10/2012 21:28

Is there any way you could get him to tell the teacher with you there? I would hazard a guess that if he tells the teacher himself he won't want to dob his friends in.

highlandcoo · 17/10/2012 21:29

I'd go in with him to talk to the teacher. Then hopefully she'll handle things carefully eg "discover" what's happening and put a stop to it without your son's name coming into it. Do you know your son's teacher well enough to trust her to sort this out sensitively?

All credit to your DS for coming to you and being honest about the situation.

Btw 8-year-olds shouldn't be able to access the classroom at break times if they're being supervised properly. That needs to be put a stop to really.

Bigwheel · 17/10/2012 21:40

I would ask to speak to the teacher before or after school with your ds. Ideally get him to tell her whats been going on, if not you need to infront of ds. If you don't do pick ups / drop offs I would write the teacher a note explaining all and inviting her to call you if she wants.

Original poster
DoITellTheTeacher · 17/10/2012 21:43

Thank you - lots of super quick responses - he is worried about what is going to happen to him if he tells the teacher. And that he's going to get the others into trouble.

This would be the first time he has ever been in 'trouble' at school. I don't really know his teacher very well as she's new to the school and I'm rarely there at pick up time due to work so don't really know what her approach is like. Half of me wants to protect him, but more strongly I want him to learn that there are consequences to his actions and that he has to take responsibility.

Interesting point re: unsupervised access to the classroom at break times.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/10/2012 21:45

Yes I agree. Go with your son and talk it over with the teacher. He can make his "confession" and you can discuss how to handle it going forward

All credit to your ds for admitting what he's done. In sure this wont make him a wrong'un for life Wink so try not to worry too much

Goonatic · 17/10/2012 21:48

Oh bless him. The teacher will be proud of him for telling the truth and I am sure she will keep it to herself, especially if she asks her to. He needn't name the others but just say that he knows some other children are doing it.
She can then keep an eye on it and do a psche lesson on being honest and telling the truth etc without explicitly bringing him into it.
That's what I would do (and have done).

He is a good boy for telling you the truth.

SilverCharm · 17/10/2012 21:50

You need to make a massive deal about how great it is that he told you....massive...then in the future if he ever gets in a bad situation, he will always be happy to tell you.

Don't whitewash the teachers reaction....let him know that the teacher may be cross...and there may be consequences...but that you are very proud that he told you.

Bless him.

member · 17/10/2012 21:55

I'd have a word with the teacher & say ds was upset because some people were taking things from the jar & that he didn't think it was fair/right but didn't want to mention names. Hopefully, that will give the teacher the idea of having a general chat about noticing the contents dwindling & encourage her to have better arrangements for who can access the jar & when! I actually don't think your ds should be punished as the guilt of doing it once has upset him enough & he has highlighted a wider problem.

QuickLookBusy · 17/10/2012 21:58

Lots of good advice, I'd definitely go with him to speak to the teacher.

I would also get him to buy more treats to replace what he took. He can then put them back in the treats jar.

rockinhippy · 17/10/2012 21:59

I'd second the unsupervised access to class being very odd + needs looking into. Slain I'm wondering does your DSs school have some sort of system where DCs get to put their name down to discuss worries in private with their teachers ?? - my DDs school call it "bubble time" if so that might be a way for him to open up?.

  • well done to him for speaking up, bless him he sounds just like my DD, she stresses so much over things like this, even when its not her :)
rockinhippy · 17/10/2012 22:00

Also - not slain - damned autocorrect

BatterseaGirl · 17/10/2012 22:01

My son did exactly the same when he was in Y4. He told me and I said that he needed to tell his teacher what he'd done (but not about the other boy). He wrote it in a letter and gave it to the teacher the next day - he also said how sorry he was in the letter. The teacher was brilliant. She thanked him for telling her the truth and said that she could see that he knew what he'd done was wrong and that he was sorry and therefore they would take it no further.

BatterseaGirl · 17/10/2012 22:02

I forgot that we also went to a shop on the way to school and he bought something (with his pocket money) to replace the sweet he'd taken.

RobynRidingHood · 17/10/2012 22:03

I'd tell him to write an anonymous note to his teacher, then he's upsetting no one.

that teaches him to be gutless and not stand by the courage of his convictions. Very bad message to send to a child.

maddening · 17/10/2012 22:05

Tell her and ask her to be discreet - e.g. she could pull you son up with them and punish them all

ScarahScreams · 17/10/2012 22:12

The anonymous note is a dreadful idea. I don't know what is the right one, but definately not this. Very cowardly.

Scarynuff · 17/10/2012 22:13

My ds and 3 other boys broke something at school when he was 8. The head teacher spoke to all of them and said that it would cost £40 to replace so she would be quite within her rights to charge their parents.

My son didn't mention any of this to me but he took £10 out of his piggy bank and gave it to the head the next day. I only found out about it as the head asked me if I knew he had brought the money into school. None of the other children paid anything but the head still kept my son's tenner Grin

It's good for children to face consequences and I admired my ds for taking responsibility and trying to help towards putting it right.

I agree that you should speak with the teacher on her own and tell her what your ds has told you. Also, good idea to offer to replace the things he took. Hopefully, she will admire his courage and good judgement (with hindsight) and deal with it in a sensitive way that does not alienate him from his friends.