Aibu to be concerned that my ds is going to be the preschool 'thug'?

[Onlyhappywhenitrains]

Ds (3.4) started preschool last week. He is only doing one five hour session a week to begin with but I'm planning to increase him to two sessions in November. The reason being that they could only offer me certain days and we already have something on the days that they had available until then.

Anyway ds seemed to settle ok last week but didn't want to go this morning which I know is pretty common. When I fetched him he was pale and his eyes were red and they told me he'd been upset because he didn't like the lunch so had tried to hide in the toilets so he didn't have to eat it. I asked if his behaviour generally had been ok and they said yes.

Ds has talked quite a bit about nursery - I was sad when you left me mommy, I cried when you left me etc which I have just glossed over as mich as I can. However when going to be tonight he said 'they don't like me at nursery they said I was a very naughty boy.' I asked him why and apparently he'd hit someone on the head (not sure why, he says he doesn't know but that he was upset because I'd left him) and then gone and sat in the tunnel because he knew he was in trouble. He then said 'when I came out the tunnel I had to stand by (his key worker) and she said I couldn't play with anyone and that I'd never have any friends and she was very cross.'
He also wet himself today but he has been dry for about six months and he was upset about that too.

I'm worried because I don't want him to be the badly behaved child that everyone dreads but I can't control his behaviour at preschool can I? I can only be consistent at home with him. Should I mention the hitting incident when I take him next week? I wish the keyworker had told me when I fetched him. Now ds is upset and saying he's not going back because no one likes him and they're all very cross. Despite the smacking the child on the head thing he is (believe it or not) quite sensitive!

Not sure. Worth asking though as five hours is a long day.

My son's preschool only let you change hours a term in advance.

If they don't let you change, I'd still have words with the key worker.

IS this his 15 free hours but they are going to increase in November ? nurseries are usually able to jiggle sessions about I think 4 is quite a lot especially if he isn't used to being away that long , as I keep saying I know I am harping on but do speak to them ,

I will give them a ring and ask them I think, I know when he is tired he is much more tearful and fraught. This also worries me about school, I don't quite know how he will cope. I think he might be on the floor crying by Friday afternoons. I sort of thought preschool might prepare him towards it.

I don't like having to send him somewhere where he apparently thinks no one likes him and that they all think he is a naughty boy. But on the other hand he shouldn't hit, it is naughty behaviour! And it is always worse because he is a giant for his age (5-6 clothes) so is much bigger and stronger than most children of his age. He is very verbal but I do know that when he is upset it is impossible to reason with him.

It makes me sad that they might have already labelled him as being a naughty problem child. Unless perhaps he is a naughty problem child and that's even sadder.

mrsjay I will try and send him two mornings a week for three or four hours I think. I can always increase them (if they have the space). Yes, it is part of his fifteen free hours.

I think trying to sort out his hours and 'bigging up' preschool he should be ok, I guess you are just worried and of course you want him to be happy,

Maybe they're subconsciously thinking of him as an older boy, but it still doesn't excuse their behaviour. It's disgraceful that they spoke to him like this.

I wouldn't make him go. A year is an awful long time in his life - think what he was like a year ago. He'll be much more able to cope next September. I wouldn't send him for the sake of it.

He is my precious first born.

I know he can be a pain, I know he isn't prefect, I know when he's tired he's like a completely different child. But I also know that he is kind, friendly, outgoing, sensitive and not (perhaps in my slightly biased opinion) a naughty child who will never have any friends!
I also know that if it gets into a negative cycle it will be hard to turn around. I haven't focused on the incident too much with him beyond saying that he shouldnt have hit and telling him that he has plenty of friends (which he does outside of nursery).

It doesn't matter if he is your 1st or 5th born he needs to be happy where he is and you need to be happy him going,

recall I didn't say that hitting wasn't concerning, I said that it wasn't on, but I really don't think that it is the concern.

I don't think that you should be concerned regarding the hitting, but I think it ought to be addressed, I have a 3 year old at pre school, and he has never hit anyone there. He has however been the victim of hitting, and as his Mum, I am too distressed because my son is also trying to settle in a strange place with children he is unfamiliar with and is being assaulted.

I think that children hitting is all too easily tolerated, and excused but remember that there are victims in this situation too. How would you feel if he came home crying and distressed because a boy had hit him on the head in the tunnel ?

If my son had hit a child, and the key worker had disciplined him in the way that you described, I would show my gratitude to the key worker, and follow up what she had said at home. If I was unhappy with the way in which it had been dealt with, I would discuss it with the key worker, and mutually negotiate a plan of action for future episodes. Then he would be receiving the same message from both of you that hitting is wrong.

Having said this, my son attends a pre school that his older sister attended, and I have a good rapport with the staff. We have often tackled issues together, and they have communicated well with me with a positive outcome. I am aware that it is not always the case.

That is why I wish they had told me recall because now I only have my son's interpretation of what happened, apparently the child he hit didn't cry so I'm hoping it wasn't too bad!
I have never known him hit a child anywhere else (such as at soft play, gym, playground) apart from on the odd occasion when he has been hit first, he will then hit back. I can only assume that he must have just been overwhelmed and I do know that sometimes he does become overwhelmed in busy or new situations. But obviously usually I am there to smooth the way for him. It's all part of a learning curve I suppose.
And I don't tolerate him hitting even in defence.

If my son had hit another child, and his behaviour been dealt with in the way your son described, the staff would have mentioned it to me at the end of the session.

If I was you, I would approach the key worker at the beginning of the next session and discuss it. If you I come away from that feeling uneasy, I would find a different pre school. Although my DD's interpretation of the bum wiping was wrong/inaccurate, she never really settled there, and we moved on. My friends all raved about the place, but my it wasn't right for us. No one was right or wrong, my instincts just told me to move on. I find it a bit odd that you can't stay, i stayed with all 3 of mine initially and gradually eased them in. It must be a hell of a shock for a 3 year old to be suddenly left in an unfamiliar place ( not criticising - empathising )

Um. For all those saying a five hour session is too long-many children are in childcare from much younger than 3, and for longer than that. My ds was in nursery 3 days a week from 2 yrs old.
For some people it is childcare, rather than pre-school.

Don't worry too much OP-talk to them and tell the pre school that you really need to be informed of any hitting/acting out in the future.

5 hours is too long when you've not done it before. And it is tiring for younger babies but at least they get naps.

Well, he has obviously remembered and taken on board what his key worker said. If my child hit another then I would (and have) told them that they were being naughty and that people who hit won't have friends. None of my children hit as I have dealt with it at the earliest opportunity. Fingers crossed your D's won't repeat the behaviour. I actually think you can feel quietly confident that he is a clever little boy who will quickly learn right from wrong.

Oh god I've been here OP its horrible isn't it.

have you tried omega 3? its not a miracle cure but my DS can focus a better now.

Thanks everyone.
Yes he is on omega 3 but has only been taking it for a couple of weeks and I understand it can take a couple of months to have an effect.
At home he is generally pretty good and is able to focus fairly well. I think that when he is feeling overwhelmed it comes out as aggression, which is still obviously inexcusable.
He's been on best behaviour since nursery and keeps saying "I'm being a good boy aren't I mummy? I don't want to let you down." but he is not keen to talk about nursery and just goes silent if I mention it.

Did you talk to the key worker?

It's obviously not the place for your son OP. Just reading your words make me want to cuddle him to death. The key worker should never have said what she did, she should have removed him from the situation and had a private word with him about it in a non acusatory fashion and shadowed him to give him support. Working in the industry I have seen people expecting larger children to act older than their actual years even though they know their age.

Key workers are put in place to guide their charges and help them deal with challenging situations. they certainly aren't there to tell them they are too naughty to make friends

OP you need to raise all this with the centre manager. You should be able to be completely frank with them and they should be open with you, too. It is the best way for your child's wellbeing. It may be that the worker said something she shouldn't have and that the manager is unaware of it. She may v well thank you for letting her know. The point is how your son feels and clearly he does not feel welcome or at ease. They need to work on helping him gain a sense of belonging. I feel v sad for him and you

That's interesting clipped I must admit he is huge compared to some of the others. They take them from two and a half so he is nearly a year older than some of the youngest anyway. Ds is in age 5-6 (occasionally bigger) clothes and dwarfs them. It was part of my concern about nursery because even when he hugs his smaller friends they will often topple over! I had visions of him charging around and knocking over the tiny ones (not on purpose, just because they wouldn't be able to withstand his nearly four stone frame)

I am going to mention it to the key worker when we go this week and ask to be told if anything like this happens. Ds is a bit of a worrier so at least if I know what has happened I know if it was nothing really or something I need to talk about at home with him.

He is still bothered by it although he hasn't mentioned nursery apart from to say he isn't going again! But he has a couple of times mentioned one of the children he plays with outside of nursery (they don't go to the same nursery) and said "x won't be my friend now because I'm too naughty." which is sad. But on the other hand if he hadn't hit in the first place it would have all been ok!