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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

4 year old DS went "missing" at home time-Long sorry....

54 replies

wakemewhenitsover · 17/10/2012 09:50

Ok, I need a reality check. Am I overreacting or not?
I collect my Ds from the school gates every day and he is escorted by 2 teachers with about 9 other children. Yesterday I waited and it wasn't until the last 2 pupils when his teacher said "oh where's wakeme's child? He's probably slipped out of line and gone to a different gate, why don't you come into school and look for him?"
So I ran through and searched but he was not at the other gate, he was not in the other lines in the playground. I did eventually find him in the school front office and when he saw me he burst into tears because he got lost. His teacher came and it went like this;
Me: I'm not happy you didnt know where DS was
Teacher: (laughing) oh we have a great safety record here, nothing would have happened.
Me: I think you need to implement some policy to ensure that children can't just "wander off"
Teacher: Oh we do have a policy, and it is your Ds responsibility to stay in the line too...the teachers know if there's somebody in the line who shouldn't be there and would take them to the office.
Me: But if he's not supposed to be in that line would they even notice him or think it strange if he left the line? (assuming he was going to join the correct one)
Teacher: They wouldn't let him wander off, they always know who's in the line
Me: Well that didn't happen today!
Teacher: Oh, well he must have slipped by the other teacher...
Cue 2 other staff joining in with how great the schools safety policy was and generally dismissing me.
Grrrrr! What annoys me is the jokey manner in which they dealt with the situation. No apologies, just denial.
The school had volunteers in that day to help with the garden so there were lots of "helpers" (friends/relations) around the school.
Who would have questioned someone walking out with a child? (as there are always parents & children wandering around the school at home time).
What if he hadn't joined another line and panicked and went to toilet block which (unvetted) volunteers were free to use?
I know he was found ok but surely they need to acknowledge there is a problem?
How would you react?

OP posts:

halcyondays · 17/10/2012 10:42

If this happened I would be less concerned about unvetted volunteers in the toilet block than I would be about them getting run over by the cars that are parked on the pavement by parents who drive off without looking out for children. It's very unlikely that another parent would have tried to walk off with him.

lambethlil · 17/10/2012 10:45

Your child is safe at school, and what happened shows that there are checks and balances. Still really frightening and they should have apologised.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 17/10/2012 10:47

It's no wonder you were very worried, given what we've been hearing in the news lately, but I think you were overreacting a little. Sorry.

RustyBear · 17/10/2012 10:54

Teacher: Oh we do have a policy, and it is your Ds responsibility to stay in the line too...the teachers know if there's somebody in the line who shouldn't be there and would take them to the office.
Me: But if he's not supposed to be in that line would they even notice him or think it strange if he left the line? (assuming he was going to join the correct one)
Teacher: They wouldn't let him wander off, they always know who's in the line
Me: Well that didn't happen today!

But if, as you said in your later post, he was taken to the office by a teacher, then it looks like that is what happened - the policy worked.

SilverCharm · 17/10/2012 10:55

I wasn't checked when I went in to help the DC make Christmas decorations.

PedanticPanda · 17/10/2012 11:01

I'd be very angry with the way the staff reacted, they should have been more apologetic and assured you it wouldn't happen again, not just laugh it off. You were clearly worried, your DS is only 4 fgs, they should have dealt with the situation far better.

maybenow · 17/10/2012 11:01

Plan a is the kids do what they're told, Plan b is that they either go or are taken to the school office. It sounds like the policy/proceedureds worked perfectly.

Teachers hand over the kids at the gate, if he wasn't at the gate he wouldn't have been handed to anybody.

I'm afriad you're overreacting quite a bit - the teachers were pretty casual becuase they know the policy worked and there was no danger (though perhaps they could have read the situation better in terms of your worry and been more thoughtful to your feelings).

PedanticPanda · 17/10/2012 11:02

Teacher: Oh we do have a policy, and it is your Ds responsibility to stay in the line too...

he's 4!

VinegarTits · 17/10/2012 11:07

i would have been really pissed off at the flippancy of the teachers, they should have apologised

AlwaysInWonder · 17/10/2012 11:11

Something like this happened to me with ds. He was about 4yo too.
He came out of the classroom and went to see me. I sent me back to the classroom to pick up his pack lunch again. The teacher saw him coming back in.

After a while, as I still hadn't seen him coming out, I went and asked. Me and the teacher went in and looked, no ds.
Cue for another teacher to get involved to look for him.
Meanwhile, knowing ds, I started to make my way back home to see if he was somewhere there. I fund him as he was coming back to the school (but outside the school).

He had just rushed past me, the teacher, didn't say a word and just made his way back home on his own! He stopped when he was suppose to cross the road and was making his way back when I wasn't coming.

Reaction of the school:
The two teachers involved in looking for him both had a word with him about how you can't run away like this.
I obviously did too.
I know they also looked at their procedure for picking up and they were more careful to check if the child is with a parent even if they were but had to go back in class (which tbh is far from unusual at that age).

I am surprised that the school didn't take it more seriously. Having a good record doesn't mean that the system was good on that day.
Also your ds was worried and lost (in his own school! ) which means that actually they haven't explained to the children what they should do if they loose their line (eg go back to the classroom ..).

AlwaysInWonder · 17/10/2012 11:14

OP how did your son ended up at school office?
As this wasn't the first thing that they checked, I am assuming this sin't the 'standard procedure' if a child looses his line.

So did someone foind him and took him there? Did he find his way there on his own? Does he know the school well enough to go there on his own?

RyleDup · 17/10/2012 11:16

I wouldn't be happy with that. He's 4. And the teacher was rude and flippant. She should know where he is until he's handed back over to his parent at the end of the day. Coupled with the fact you think he could have left by the other gate (the fact that he didn't is irrelevant), would prompt me to make a formal complaint.

Lancelottie · 17/10/2012 11:23

Let's hope they were just overdoing the soothing 'Oh, it's fine, never mind, my lovey' act that teachers perfect after years of dealing with five-yr-olds, and that they will in fact think about this and tighten up what's going on.

We had an incident years ago when the school was having some building works done, and a truck drove through the playground during playtime. headteacher came to me very crossly after school to say that they had 'told all the children to stand still out of the way, but MiniLance was very naughty and kept playing, and he could have caused a nasty accident, you know, you really need to work on discipline with him.'

He was four. He's autistic, had glue ear so wouldn't have heard her, and loved trucks. Somehow I didn't think they were putting the blame in quite the right place!

halcyondays · 17/10/2012 11:26

If there are two teachers and about ten children, then there really shouldn't be any opportunity for them to slip out of line without somebody noticing. And if it somehow does happen, then the teachers should be apologetic.

And yes, if the policy was to take me to the school office, why didn't they tell you that in the first place?

straighttohellymelly · 17/10/2012 11:31

Well i don't think you are over-reacting actually. He is four, not fourteen, and very small children do wander off. The school should be vigilant enough to ensure this doesn't happen, not relying on a four year old's sense of what he should be doing. Yes he was safe, but he might not have been, and they need to learn from that and accept that a mistake was made, or it will happen again. I would write a polite letter to the Head stating that you are unhappy he wasn't accounted for and you want to know that the staff are really on it when its pick up time.

oldraver · 17/10/2012 11:36

They lost your child were flippant and dismissive with you THEN were frosty this morning ? You could sort of forgive one but I wouldn't be happy with their attitude.

What do you mean by frosty ?

Original poster

wakemewhenitsover · 17/10/2012 11:52

Some sound advice, thank you everyone.
Think I may speak to the Head, it can't hurt to review the policy and ensure that all the children know what to do if this happens again. I would have felt better if they had acknowledged that they didn't know where he was (rather than "come in and look for him") and reassured me that that they would be looking at ways to prevent this happening again.
It's a fairly big school so there would have been upwards of 250 kids (not to mention, parents, relatives and volunteers) milling around at home time so it's probably just luck that he joined another line (didn't seem to be their policy for him to do that). He could easily have been missed in the crowds.

OP posts:

sashh · 17/10/2012 11:55

What if he hadn't joined another line and panicked and went to toilet block which (unvetted) volunteers were free to use?

Just like they were free to use it at break, lunchtime and in fact all day.

He wasn't where he should be, he was taken to the office where you found him.

Original poster

wakemewhenitsover · 17/10/2012 12:06

Oldraver: sorry, keep writing replies which disappear when I hit post.
DS was upset going in to class this morning yet both teachers ignored us which wouldn't normally happen but I'm not going to make it into a "thing" until I've seen how they are with me today at pick up where I will make a point of saying hello. I did apologise to his teacher yesterday for being wound up (which I'm annoyed at myself for but is fairly typical of me).

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 17/10/2012 12:09

When ofsted inspect a school they send a questionnaire to parents. One of the questions is 'do you think that the school keeps your child safe'. At the moment your answer would be negative which should be unacceptable for the school. It's not just about keeping children safe, it's about parents being confident that the school is keeping the children safe.

The question that must still be addressed by the school and not simply ignored is 'Could the OP's child have left the school site through another gate?'. Are all the gates manned until all children are accounted for and handed over? Could a child in school uniform tag onto a family that they don't belong to etc.
The school should be confident in their response, not just say 'well he went to the office so it was fine this time.' That's not a complete risk assessment.

snooter · 17/10/2012 12:14

Worrying few minutes for you but no harm done because he went to the office, which is where he was supposed to go if for some reason the line thing didn't work. I suspect the teachers were laughing it off because they felt embarrassed.

RyleDup · 17/10/2012 12:18

Thats fine apologising to the teacher, when you were understandably wound up, but she also needs to apologise to you. The teacher doesn't have the moral high ground here, whatever she might think.

Icelollycraving · 17/10/2012 12:28

I would be really as upset as you I think. I do think they handled it badly.

HoratiaWinwood · 17/10/2012 12:54

Even if the staff thought you were overreacting they should have said something along the lines of "ah well our safety policy means he should have been taken to the office - oh he was? Great, it's working then. We will have a chat with Reception tomorrow and remind them what they need to do. Would you like me to get you a copy of our policy, to set your mind at rest?"

In other words, they can defend their policy and tell you there's no need to be worried, without patronising or dismissing you.

As it happens, I think he was safe, but in the circumstances I can see why you thought he wasn't.

socharlotte · 17/10/2012 13:18

YABU. Her hadn't left the premises he was in the school office!!

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