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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I shouldn't be the one moving.

45 replies

advance01 · 16/10/2012 15:10

So we have an almost 4 week old dd. I am breastfeeding and therefore doing all night feeds. Makes perfect sense as dh works long hours with long commute.
initially he slept in spare room but futon not very comfortable so back in bedroom.
Last night was a particularly bad night to dh asked me to take baby out as she was disturbing his sleep.
AIBU to think he should be one moving.

OP posts:

MrsMuddyPuddles · 17/10/2012 10:44

wipearses It's always the mother's turn for feeding. For cuddles, the 3 am "it's wakey time!", and nappies, he can have a turn.

I personally support the division of labour that mum is in charge of input (nursing), and dad is in charge of output (nappies)

For the OP: we have a small flat, and I was actually most comfortable nursing sitting up on the couch, so the idea of dragging DD into bed with me those first few weeks didn't even occour... that said, yes you need to stick to your guns on this one. I like the "buy a spare bed you do like, DH" option!

IWipeArses · 17/10/2012 10:45

What happened when your dp laid down with the babies? DH would get his skin scratched off.

JazzAnnNonMouse · 17/10/2012 10:46

He should move.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/10/2012 10:54

I don't know what happened when my ex took our babies, I was blissfully asleep! whatever it was, they don't appear to have suffered any ill effects.

QueenStromba · 17/10/2012 10:55

If you have any spare duvets put one of them under the sheet on the futon - makes it a lot comfier. If that doesn't help then get another bed as it's important for both of you to get as good a night's sleep as is possible with a new baby (congratulations by the way).

IWipeArses · 17/10/2012 10:59

Mine have always fed back to sleep, 0 point in DH being awake, they never do random night playtime.

mollymole · 17/10/2012 11:00

Simple - new bed in spare room. Will come in useful later as surely you do not expect guests to sleep on the uncomfortable futon.

AThingInYourLife · 17/10/2012 12:15

"They are a couple, they are on the same team. "

Not all couples are on the same team.

A man who wants to put his wife onto a futon he thinks is uncomfortable 4 weeks after she had a baby is not on her team.

He clearly thinks he wins the tiredness competition.

She needs to nip his inconsiderate and entitled behaviour in the bud.

GhostShip · 17/10/2012 13:17

There's got to be some compromise surely? It's not fair to expect either of them to sleep in an uncomfortable bed.

This site doesn't half out me off having children ha

IWipeArses · 17/10/2012 13:23

The compromise is to replace the spare bed.

impty · 17/10/2012 13:58

Why can't you be together?
No one moved out when we had babies. Baby grumbles (not even cries) i wake feed and change. Dh sleeps through it. Bed side lamp bulb was changed to the lowest brightness. We used a moses basket but this would work if you co sleep too.
We may have had the odd bad night where i would roam the house with a grizzly baby, but not many.
Any way don't move out of the bed room!!

impty · 17/10/2012 14:07

Oh ok just re read op post! Ignore above! Apart from if it is a bad night he's welcome to leave bedroom.
Buying a new bed for guest room is a plan.....as is making futon more comfortable.
It can be hard the lack of sleep in the first few weeks...as can the realisation about making a new baby (Im thinking of DP does he feel a bit over whelmed/ over tired etc.) Reality with a new baby can be a bit of a shock. Add that to long commute and long working hours and i can see why dp is asking for the bed. Its not reasonable iron right but it is understandable.

impty · 17/10/2012 14:08

*Making - having!

impty · 17/10/2012 14:09

*or- not iron...

Throws phone across the room!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 17/10/2012 14:25

No don't leave the room!

I used to do the whole feeding with the lights down, not taking baby out of the bedroom thing to teach them its nighttime. Both of mine slept through from about 10 weeks and i think that helped. I think if you are taking them downstairs and putting lights on to do that safely then they get too woken up.

I agree with whoever said that he should do the nighttime stuff that doesn't involve feeding. You just need to look at the amount of posts on here from women whose husband have never had a sleepless night and see the baby as the woman's responsibility to know that you need to start how you mean to go on. Start now or you may well regret it! (that sounded a bit like a threat!

If he starts now with perfect nights sleep then he's now going to suddenly volunteer to help when/if you have more than one baby to jungle, and can't catch up on sleep during the day. Those situations don't end well and i can't tell you the amount of mums I've met with that problem. In one case it ended in divorce due to the resentment!

Also its just not right or fair that one person gets the same amount of sleep they did prebaby and the other can hardly stand with exhaustion.

Personally in your situation i would start expressing if you feel comfortable to do that and have breastfeeding well established, and get him to do the feeds once a week or so, perhaps at the weekend, so you can catch up on sleep.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 17/10/2012 14:51

he should move. if he wants a good nights sleep, he can organise a new bed for the spare room. he gets to do both mornings at the weekend though to make up for your disturbed sleep.

knitpicker · 17/10/2012 14:59

This reminds me of the first night after we brought DS home from hospital, I was demand feeding as well. DH woke me up to tell me he was having trouble getting to sleep , I ended up spending weeks sleeping on our futon in our tiny sitting-room so we didn't disturb him. After one spectacularly bad night's sleep I had an afternoon nap with baby (at about two weeks old) DH walked in and said grumpily 'you could at least have done the washing-up'. Remarkably we are still together, I might just have outed myself though as I tend to still bitterly bring up these incidents over a decade later.
OP - sort out the futon as others have said and make him move. Is this your first baby?

MainlyMaynie · 17/10/2012 15:01

I am so cross reading this! You had a baby 4 weeks ago and he wants to send you and the baby to an uncomfortable futon? YA DEFINITELY NBU,

AThingInYourLife · 17/10/2012 15:09

He can sort the futon himself if it disagrees with him.

The OP has a newborn baby to deal with. She needs her husband to support her, not create work for her.

Original poster

advance01 · 18/10/2012 03:23

Baby no 3 so we both should know how to deal with it by now. Other 2 are 5 and 6 so at school during day. So at the moment I can catch up on sleep.
Tbf this was never an issue with other 2. seemed to accept sleep disturbance more. Think part of problem is that this one wasn't planned and I think he does resent her a little.
Hope this gets resolved beceause if I have to choose it will only go one way.

OP posts:

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