To throw away a good job?

[MargoThreadbetter]

Sorry for the pity-me post. I have insomnia

We moved a few years ago for me to start a new job. This job is well paid for what I do, or rather what I am able to get away with doing on a day-to-day basis. Is it selfish to throw a job like that away if my heart is not in it? Should I stay and make the most of the money while I can for the sake of my two young DC? Looking long-term, I am probably not able to sustain the job beyond another year or two. It's just not me.

Since we moved, DH has not been happy with his career direction. He resents my employer and the place we live, and this has driven a wedge between us. He earns more than me, is never happy, thinks I can do better than my current job and wants me to have ambition that I don't feel.

We have fantastic childcare, which has been a battle to secure, and live in walking distance to my work. But our flat is draughty and I think it's making the whole family sick. Constant low-level sickness, permanent sore throats, coughs and runny noses. Accommodation shortage means moving is difficult - our only other option would be better located for DH, but in a place where a friend had an attempted mugging last week, coupled with a rush hour public transport commute for me and DC.

I am so so so close to packing a suitcase and leave the struggles we've had to go through to set up our lives here, so we can recover our health, but then what? I think that abandoing our lives with no direction will only lead to more regrets, including the great opportunities DC currently have.

I feel like a fool to give up now, but when my marriage is not working and my heart is not in anything anymore, I don't see the point of fighting to keep hold of a job where I feel like I'm faking it (badly) every day.

You sound so unhappy I can't help but think you know that it's time for action of some kind.

Most major decisions boil down to money at some point & my advice is to work out if you can afford to walk & if you can, then really your decision is almost made.

I left an incredibly well paid job earlier this year & without even seeing the property moved our family away as our old house was slowly killing us. I can see now that it was the best decision we ever made, but the arguments & worry that got us to decision were just so awful.

Write on a piece of paper with DH what you want as a family & that is your blue print.

Have you said all this to your DH?

I think this needs to be a joint decision, maybe a chance to get singing off the same hymn sheet again!?

Your right that you need to change something, you can't carry on this unhappy :(

You sound like you need a holiday. Making decisions would be easier after a break from all this.

Are you and DH jobhunting? Why is your flat draughty? Can't you sort it out?

Thank you for your replies and letting me get it off my chest.

I do feel like I need a holiday HoleyGhost but I've only been back from mat leave for 2 months

We have been jobhunting for a while. I got an offer elsewhere which would get me back into my preferred field, but it would be such a pay cut for the next 2 years that we'd have to count the pennies to break even, and there would be no guarantee that DH would find a job in the new location. He'd need something really well paid to cover childcare.

Have been on to the agency managing the flat about the draught. The main culprit is a massive window-door in the bedroom that is not at all sealed at the bottom. You can practically stick your hand in the seal, think the wood may be warped. Will be moving us and baby out of that bedroom tonight, the cold weather's really started now so it's worse than ever. I think we got sick with usual daycare bugs and now can't get better in this flat.

Well it's not a good job if it's making teh whole familty miserables it?

you sound so fed up op.
I think you need a good talk with your dh and see what he feels about it all?
He might want to move also. The holiday sounds like a great idea, I know you just got back of maternity leave but even just a long weekend somewhere as a family would really help relax everyone.

as for the insomnia have you tried taking anything? I had it for 12 months and nytol (the one with anti histamine not herbal) really worked to knock me back into normal sleep cycle. Everything is so much worse when your not sleeping.

I really feel that if a job is making you totally miserable you need to fix it. Please talk to your husband and come to a decent plan for everyone xx

You need to make a plan with your dh then.
Where do you want to live and what do you both want from your careers?
If neither of you is happy then this could be the start of something much better for your family.
Good luck!

I sympathise and empathasise. My DH wants me to stay in my job because the money's so good, but the stress of doing a job I HATE, I think, is slowly killing me. I've put on 4 stone since working here and the reliance on readymeals and hurtling through life at 5,000 mph just to get everything done is detrimental to everyone. My DS has started wetting the bed again (every other night for the last 3 weeks) and my oldest DD barely gets any attention because she's technically old enough to look after herself. No she isn't. She might not need to be washed and dressed and given help with her homework but she still deserves time. Which I haven't got. And they deserve a mother and wife who isn't either in a filthy mood or in tears. I will be leaving at Christmas and sod the money. What do you want on your headstone: "Here lies a woman who sacrificed her family for a job she hates" or "Here lies a woman who couldn't give her family anything except the love they needed."

I hate modern life. It's shit for women unless DH/DPs do their 50% fair share of the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, taking time off when kids are sick, tidying up the kids mess, going to parents evenings, sorting out all the school stuff and generally just being there.

Be prepared for a hard time from DH until he understands how miserable you all are. It's hard to admit mistakes but sometimes it's more of a mistake to carry on avoiding the mistake you've already made. It was only by being constantly hysterical at 7am every morning for about 6 months that my DH finally realised how I just couldn't carry on doing this SHIT JOB that pays a 10th of what he's earning just so that he feels he can spend his money on golf clubs without feeling guilty.

Hmm... my mind is boggling a little here...

The money is so good (I'm thinking £30-40k), BUT it's a shit job that only pays a 10th of what your DH is earning. So that puts him on £300-400K.

Really??

I'm thinking that even if you're on £20k, that would still put him on £200k which is a hell of a salary, and one that would allow you to pay someone to do cleaning, for starters.

I earn twice what my DP earns, she works part time, and I still do more than 50% of the housework. Mainly because she has to do planning and marking in the evenings and her day off, and if I do housework while she's doing that, it means we can have more together time when it's all done.

Have been thinking all morning. My decision is more or less made as you said Doing. We can live on DH's salary, he wants to move from this area (hence the jobhunting), I can't see myself continuing my job in the future, so I want to cut the misery for the family for this period.

I showed my OP to DH and we talked. He is supportive. I feel my resolve weakening slightly, but I need to be brave and stop thinking about what other people do. I need to do the right thing for us.

monkey Yes. Really. Why do you think I'm so resentful? DH says no to an au pair, we "only" (in "" because I do appreciate not every can have cleaners anyway) have cleaners once a fortnight but this isn't a rant against my DH but whether someone's job is making them so miserable that no money in the world ever makes it so worthwhile.

OP: talk, talk and talk some more. Glad to hear that DH is supportive x

Teamumizumi I am so glad you are getting it sorted. It sounds awful, and the effects on DC and our marriage are the exact reason I also want to change how we live.

DH is very hands-on, he does his share where the children are concerned. And he is so patient with the eldest, in a way that does not come so naturally to me at that age. With regards to housework, I'm a tidy-as-I-go type and he's a once-a-month-whirlwind, so this will likely remain incompatible

The main thing for me is to want the same things as a family. We have ideas and things we want to do, but we'll never do them if we both keep being secure but miserable. Trying to firm up that resolve

I think a good rule of thumb with a job you hate but is well paid is to stick it another 2 years max, possibly less. And only to move to another job which covers your bills.

I wonder if your DH is just being pragmatic in wanting to ensure the bills are being paid.

But apart from that, if you are both working full time but still renting, and not even a particularly nice property at that, your jobs aren't really washing their faces IYSWIM.

geegee we live somewhere with an impossible property market. You take what you can get! It's not to do with the money, it's housing shortage. The renting point is irrelevant. Kind of.

Is it not then the part of the country you live in thats the problem? Can you both do your careers somewhere else?

Some jobs are expensive to do and some so expensive, time consuming and harmful to your standard of living, that theres little point (unless they are genuinely leading to something much better).

I once had a job with a much vaunted practice in a city centre location. It had an excellent reputation, and looked good on my cv. However the job wasn't anything special, my colleagues weren't pleasant, and it took so long to get to that city centre location that I came to the conclusion it simply wasn't worth doing.

I now work part-time but have more disposable income, after taking off travelling costs, money spent on expensive lunches, magazines, gym, etc to fill in lunchtime/commuting time because I was so miserable, extra smart clothes due to city centre location, etc..

Teamumizumi Blimey, I am agog! Considering myself so lucky that myself and partner are on the same page about work/life balance and money not being everything!

Yes, the place we live is definitely the cause of a lot of our stress. It's been so hard to get ourselves set up with a flat, job for DH and permanent childcare. An emotional rollercoaster that has done nothing for our relationship. One of the reasons I kept struggling on is because we invested so much effort and emotion into it, I didn't want it to be for nothing. Maybe we should have got out sooner, but better late than never. We still need a plan for next year but this is a baby step in the right direction.