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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to tell my friends I think they are a bit shit

27 replies

Charliefarlie1192 · 15/10/2012 16:27

I am bi polar and just comi g out of the throes of one of the worse manic in to low episodes I have ever experienced. I haven't contacted anybody for weeks and didn't care but it's occurred to me that nobody seems to have noticed. I May as well have fallen of the planet. It's struck me that people are always there with their dramas when they need me, but can't be seen for dust right now!

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 15/10/2012 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rebecca87 · 15/10/2012 16:33

I know how you feel - not to the extent of bi polar - but I suffer from depression and have experienced the same thing with friends. i haven't really got any advice just wanted you to know that your not on your own with it x

EldritchCleavage · 15/10/2012 16:36

You haven't contacted them. They don't know why. They haven't contacted you. You don't know why. Bit early to be crossing them off the friends' list. Why not get in touch and find out what has been going on with them. Could be they can't be bothered, could be a real story to tell.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 16:36

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but maybe your friends didn't know?

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 15/10/2012 16:41

YABU
Your friends aren't mind readers. You need to reach out and ask for support not expect people to just know.

KellyElly · 15/10/2012 16:41

I think alot of people become tied up in their own lives and more selfish the older you get. Do your friends have kids? Partners? I'm a lone parent and find this a bit with some of my friends (all have partners and most young children) - I did try to address it with one friend in particular but was a bit emotional about it and it didn't go that well, I just ended up backing down. I don't think people do it because they are bad people I think they are just in their own bubble. I hate the phrases "oh I meant to call but..." and "it's just that I don't know where the times goes" etc etc. Hope you feel better soon Thanks

ThreeWheelsGood · 15/10/2012 16:43

This is tough - when I'm depressed I feel let down by my friends but when I'm not depressed there are still long periods without contact, but I don't interpret it in the same way, if you see what I mean.

Tell your closest friends why you haven't been in touch, give them the benefit of the doubt, and if they are still shit then ditch.

BeingBooyhoo · 15/10/2012 16:44

if you haven't contacted them how do you know they aren't all going through something aswell? maybe not all of them but quite possible that some of them could be needing you right now just as you could have done with them calling.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 18:08

I hate the phrases "oh I meant to call but..." and "it's just that I don't know where the times goes"
I know that phrase might sound hurtful but when you have kids, it really is true, the year goes whoosh and children take up almost every waking minute when they are young.

Suddenly six months have gone by and you think "oh dear, I haven't spoken to Friend for ages", or if you see lots of your friends you feel guilty because your kids miss you etc and so on.

It's not selfish to be busy, but if a friend rang me and told me they were having a hard time I would take time to listen and help. If I didn't know, then I can't help.

KellyElly · 15/10/2012 18:51

YouOldSlag I have a toddler who I bring up alone as well as work full time and I do make time to call my friends - esp if I know they are vulnerable. Maybe that's because I have time on my hands in the evening because I don't have a partner? Some people are better at it than others and like OP I have a friend who expects me to drop everything when she's in a crisis but the rest of the time is too busy with her son and partner to really make the effort - cancelling arrangements, not answering calls but gets irritated if I don't get back to her the same day. That's wrong surely? Friendships like relationships need effort and if its more one sided then inevitably there will be some resentment.

Everlong · 15/10/2012 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iliketea · 15/10/2012 19:00

Sorry you're having a hard time.

With respect to your friends - maybe they've got things going on that you don't know about and are thinking the same about you (that you haven't contacted them etc). I know you have your reasons, do they know that you are having a bad time? If they do know and haven't contacted you, then YANBU, but if they don't then YA probably being a little sensitive.

KittyFane1 · 15/10/2012 19:01

Agree it works both ways. If you've not contacted them and they've not contacted you, you're equal. Have they no idea that you're ill because you haven't told them? or have you told them? If you have and they have just ignored it that's a different matter.

Seriouslysleepdeprived · 15/10/2012 19:22

Have you been in hospital? If so are you sure you haven't been contacted? I worked on a psychiatric unit for a long time & friends wouldn't always be allowed contact. I also found people often couldn't remember seeing or hearing from relatives & friends, especially if they were really manic.

Hope you make a speedy recovery & they get in touch soon Smile

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 19:33

KellyElly, I am up to my eyes with my two and DH and I can barely speak by the time they are in bed. However if a friend in need rang me, I would listen to them and give them my full attention and try and help.

If I haven't heard from a friend, I can't guess that they're having a hard time.

Anyway most of my friends have got kids so they are as knackered as me. We make the effort when we can but we don't ring every week on the off chance one of us might be having a bad time.

Nobody rang me when I had miscarriages but then how could they guess what was happening if I didn't tell them?

maddening · 15/10/2012 19:40

But do you do this a lot? I have a friend who suffers with this and often drops out of contact - won't answer the door or phone and after a while when it happens you do leave him alone as he never responds anyway. If it's been going on for ages maybe they just expect you not to want to be contacted as that is what you display?

FourEyesGold · 15/10/2012 19:43

YAB abit U. My friends and I are rubbish at staying in touch, but we all know that we're there for each other if need be. That's how I know they're real friends; we can just pick up where we left off with no recriminations or awkwardness if it's been months since we last spoke properly. If my friends don't tell me they need support, I assume all's well.

coldcupoftea · 15/10/2012 19:50

Sorry to hear you have been having a hard time, but I do think YAB a bit U.

I can easily go for weeks without talking to some of my oldest friends. I work FT and have 2 kids, life is busy. BUT if any one of them called or sent a message to say they needed to talk I would (and have done) do everything I could to make sure I was there for them.

Why don't you just call and tell someone?

KellyElly · 15/10/2012 19:51

YouOldSlag I suppose where I see the difference here is that OP is bi polar which I would assume her friends know. If someone with an ongoing illness goes off the radar you would stop to think to check on them. I agree if you are having a one off crisis then people wouldn't know unless you told them.

FML · 15/10/2012 19:58

Probably a good idea to find out why. I know my friend is having a shitty time of late, and usually I am ALWAYS right on her doorstep to help. This time it is a bit different. I know she is stressed, but I have my own problems which I haven't told her about as I don't want to add to that stress. For example, I am awaiting on an appointment to see a Neurologist as my health has pretty much gone to pot. I am also awaiting on an abdominal scan. A lot of my time recently, I spend trying to look after my kids or I am doped up on pain killers in bed.

Don't write them off yet, find out why first.

maybenow · 15/10/2012 20:04

I have a friend with a MH diagnosis (usually pretty well controlled) and I sometimes get in touch when i haven't heard from her for a while but I sometimes feel like i'm badgering her and being needy when i say 'i haven't heard from you for a while' - because she is often also just busy.. and i don't want to say 'i was worried about you because of your issooos' so i try to treat her like any other friend without any MH problems... but it's a fine line to tread...

fuzzywuzzy · 15/10/2012 20:16

OP are your friends aware of your MH diagnosis?

I've a friend who has depression she told me she had been diagnosed with it, I make a point of keeping in contact with her and going to visit her if she goes silent becasue she's told me thats when her depression is really bad, she needs and appreciates friends contacting her.

On the other hand, I've been sick (regular run of the mill sick) and hate being disturbed when I'm trying to recover in peace.

You need to tell your friends you'd appreciate a call or text or visit when you are suffering a low eipsode. Otherwise how will they know?

monsterchild · 15/10/2012 20:23

I have a friend who is bi-polar, and I know she's going through a bad patch right now, (I do keep nominally in touch) but when it's really bad, I can't help her. It only makes it worse because she thinks that I have everything she wants and it throws her into depression that much more. (Or so she has told me) When she's on a high, she's not interested in visiting, too much to do!

So I'm a bad friend either way, really.

TinyDancingHoofer · 15/10/2012 20:24

They haven't contacted you and you don't seem to be worrying so why should they be worrying about you?
Give one of them a call and see what happens.

ChickenFillet · 15/10/2012 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.